<p>Posting here, as less chance of inquisitive eyes, I hope.
D is to enter near by Ivy in the fall. Decided to apply there rather last minute, and I think at least some of her decision was based upon her experience at a “Shabbaton” and new friends made there. She is aspiring to orthodox Judaism once she escapes the VERY secular home of her mom and stepdad. She was asked to be a suitemate with Orthodox upperclasswomen. I refused permission- I really think freshman year should be a year of meeting other freshmen, exploring options etc. She was angry, but informed me that that she will ask for an Orthodox suitemate when she applies for housing. I really think a language floor (she is planning to major in a couple) would be ideal, and she could have her own room.
Not even sure a student can specify a suitemate by religion(!!), but this attitude is starting to get the best of my good temper.</p>
<p>Time to let go.</p>
<p>You’re not going to live with the suitemate, your daughter is. Also, this is a freshman pairing and not a marriage. I think you should step back and pick your battles much better than this.</p>
<p>At some schools freshmen are not allowed to choose their own roommates–check out the school’s website and see what the policy is; maybe it’s not even an issue. Not sure if other posters are Jewish, but I understand your unstated concern–and agree with the others’ advice; the more you intrude, the more determined your d will be. It sounds like she’s going to be exploring Orthodoxy, whether or not her roommates are Orthodox Jews, and while I know it will be difficult, you need to back off as much as you possibly can. It may be a phase, but it may not, and then it becomes a question of whether you support your child in her faith, or whether she becomes alienated from you–which I assume you don’t want. There are worse things than becoming Orthodox–and I believe it is the Orthodox Jews who will ultimately make sure that Judaism doesn’t vanish from the world. Good luck.</p>
<p>I think living in a suite with Orthodox upperclasswomen could be a very pleasant and informative experience for your daughter. </p>
<p>Coping with the restrictions of Orthodox Judaism adds to the already complex life of a new college student. These girls know the ropes – where to get Kosher food, how to handle the issue of swipe cards on the Sabbath, how to deal with problems associated with co-ed physical education classes, etc. They would also serve as a great introduction to the rest of the Orthodox community on campus. Your daughter will have plenty of other opportunities to meet freshmen, but these girls could offer her something unique. (Also, it’s pretty much guaranteed that they are not drunken idiots who do obnoxious things like having sex with their boyfriends while their roommate is in the room, which is a real possibility with randomly chosen roommates.)</p>
<p>I am not Jewish, but my best friend at college, whom I met as a freshman and shared a suite with during our last two years, was an observant Jew (she preferred not to use the word Orthodox, so I won’t use it to describe her). Although we were on a campus that is known to be a comfortable place for observant Jews, she had a variety of practical issues to cope with (such as, for example, a roommate leaving a light on in the dorm room on Friday and then going away for the weekend). I think the situation would be even more difficult for a student who has decided to become more observant than she was at home. To her, many of the issues will be new. A little support from more experienced students might be welcome.</p>
<p>I don’t know what college your daughter will be attending, but I suspect that she cannot pick a roommate by religion. However, what she can do, and probably will do, is join Facebook groups of prospective freshmen at her future college. There, she will probably find girls who are entering freshmen and are also observant Jews. All she and another girl would have to do is to agree that they want to room together. Then, they request each other as roommates – something that nearly all colleges allow. The existence of Facebook has changed the world when it comes to roommate selection.</p>
<p>OP, have you read Chaim Potok’s “The Chosen”, or seen the movie? Worth a (re)read, since it deals with a similar situation (orthodox family dealing with child who wants to explore more secular life in college).</p>
<p>I agree with Marian - I also went through a phase of investigating Orthodox Judaism (before ultimately returning to my life of secular hedonism ;)), and it was really helpful to have girls around who already knew where to get Kosher food, how to set up a Kosher kitchen properly, etc. It really did take alot of the stress off. </p>
<p>For me, it was just a phase - and it was exactly what I needed, since I come from a very unobservant family and hadn’t had a chance to ‘experiment’ in that way before. I’m still very close friends with those girls, even though I certainly wouldn’t describe myself as Orthodox. </p>
<p>I’d let your daughter do it. If she’s determined to be observant, she’ll find some way in any case.</p>
<p>Wow! I don’t understand how you had an opportunity to “refuse permission” - I can’t even get the bill sent to me, and I’m paying!</p>
<p>I think you are right, though, usually freshmen shouldn’t room exclusively with upperclassmen. I would let her request the Orthodox roommate - why not? This is the time for experimenting.</p>
<p>I could see my daughter doing this. I’d let her ask for the Orthodox freshman, not the upperclass people. If she’s passionate about this she’ll find a way whether you let her or not. I really like the rules about no sex before marriage.</p>
<p>One of my sons has been investigating a more observant life style. He tends to be more observant at home and a little looser at college–he keeps relatively kosher in that he will eat dairy or vegetarian in the dining hall or at restuarants, he will go to activities on campus on Shabbat and try not to ride, etc.</p>
<p>In the realm of “picking and choosing your battles”, this would be battle that I would walk away from. Your daughter is going to college, not you. She should be able to make her own roommate choices here. I do understand your thought process regarding rooming with other freshman, though. But the rest should be up to her.</p>
<p>This is the time for your D to make her own decisions regarding roommate criteria as well as religion. If she wants to do it then let her. She might learn to love it or to hate it but it’ll be her decision and her experiences. If you try to micro-manage her in this area she’ll likely resent it.</p>
<p>A lot of colleges (probably most) specifically request that parents stay out of the roommate selection process for good reason.</p>
<p>JMO</p>
<p>Actually, I think that this is a great question.</p>
<p>I agree with the other posters in that she has to live with the person and is at an age and time when exploration is inevitable, but it is exploration to her choosing. Besides, I assume that Orthodox Judaism places a higher value on moral integrity, so how bad can it be (I honestly don’t know though)?</p>
<p>I totally dislike the idea of my daughter rooming with a random stranger due to her moral values, and she feels the same way. </p>
<p>I think that it is unfair that you would have to live with (note live with, not just visit, take a class with, or associate with) some stranger whose values and behaviors that you may find objectionable. College is hard enough without putting up with that.</p>
<p>I am wondering what particular traits would an Orthodox Jew look for in a roommate? I ask this because, although my daughter is agnostic, she is a prude by the standards of the average teen. She is adamantly against drinking, smoking, substance use, and premarital intercourse. She is afraid that she will have to tolerate these things in a roommate and the thought of it is making her anxious.</p>
<p>I am now wondering if my daughter should ask for an Orthodox Jewish roommate.</p>
<p>I have watched my children fill out housing forms prior to each of their freshman years and there were no questions about religion or religious preferences. The questions tended toward “are you messy or neat”, and “do you go to bed early or late.”</p>
<p>This is kind of the oposite situation, I suppose but here goes:</p>
<p>My D attends Barnard which, IMO, has a wonderful method in place for first-year roommate selection. The new first-years fill out a rather long quiestionnaire the summer before starting school and then roommates are assigned accordingly. Study habits, hours kept, leisure-time preferences, among other things, are considered. My D roomed with a two young ladies who were complete strangers to her going in and one was an observant orthodox jew (we are protestant Christian).</p>
<p>My D learned sooo much that first year! They figured out ways to help their roommate deal with Sabbath issues (lights left on, etc), were very considerate with visits from male friends, and made sure things in their fridge were kept separate. When it came time to select people to room with in the subsequent years, however, her jewish friend elected to live with others who were keeping a kosher kitchen. It just made sense. </p>
<p>My D and her roommates from that first year have lunch together at least once a week, though. They are still good friends and would not have traded that first year together for anything! I hope your d’s college does as good a job as Barnard did in selecting her first-year roommates. I really cannot imagine a school choosing to allow a freshman to live with an upper-classman, though. I know Barnard would not at any rate!</p>