<p>I figured the perfect people to ask on here would be the parents. </p>
<p>Those of us currently in college are looking ahead to bright futures in fabulous, rewarding careers. And our schools are doing a great job of teaching us to be leaders in our respective fields. But the one thing our schools don’t teach us is how to balance work with being parents someday. </p>
<p>I’m 20 now, and I know that I want to have kids probably a decade or so down the line, but my mom was a stay at home mom, so the whole working-parent thing is an absolute mystery to me. I have no idea what I’ll do when the time comes. Take a few years off? Switch to a job with flexible or less demanding hours? Work from home? Keep my career as is and find some other way to balance it? Nooo idea. </p>
<p>So I was wondering if some of the parents on here could give us some advice (I’m sure I’m not the only one with this question). What kinds of adjustments did you make when kids came into the picture? If you had to do it again now, what choices would you make? Any advice at all I’m sure would be helpful to a lot of us on here. :)</p>
<p>If you read the current thread about marriage in the parent’s cafe, you will see several posters advise that women should try never to lose touch with their careers. This is advice I share with my daughters.</p>
<p>I kept working for awhile when the kids were little, but I hated not being with them. Everyone is different, though. I stopped working (I was fortunate to be able to do so, of course not everyone is) and don’t regret it for a second. Definitely my career course changed greatly because of that, but it’s a trade-off I would make again if I had it to do over. I won’t advise my own daughter one way or the other. It is her choice to make. It think it is difficult in different ways whichever way you go.</p>
<p>I have known a few people that had careers that let them work at home quite a bit. If you can work it out, that is another option if you’re really trying to have it both ways.</p>
<p>But I am thoroughly happy and content --and deeply grateful!-- for the years I spent raising my kids.</p>
<p>That really says it right there. At 20 you have no idea how you’ll actually react in however many years when you have a job you like and are expecting your first child. I took 6 months off after having each of my children but never considered not returning to work. I needed some time/space for myself. I was fortunate in being able to work part-time for many years while my kids were younger. (This is a wonderful compromise that I have recommended to many young women.) I am back to full-time, although work from home several days each week.</p>
<p>Would I have had a different career path if I didn’t have kids? Absolutely. But this was right for me.</p>
<p>However I do believe it’s important for everyone to get sufficient training/skills to support yourself financially, even if you do end up staying at home. So focus on school for now.</p>
<p>Everyone has a different situation and it’s impossible to predict at age 20. For 10 years I was a SAHM which I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be. But that was how my life turned out and I enjoyed it and was thankful for it. I did work full time when D was little and it all got done and I was very happy. I now work part time and love it. </p>
<p>There are many more part time/flextime/work from home opportunities available now than there were 20 years ago.</p>
<p>I agree with the posters that you need to plan to be able to support yourself and any children that you have because again, you never know.</p>
<p>I went from working 80 hours a week to about 50.</p>
<p>The women where I work do various things. There are several that work/worked 32 hours per week. They get benefits. We have incredible location and schedule flexibility here so people can work wherever they want to and this helps with carting kids around. The career track is a little slower though. We also have mothers on aggressive career tracks that have done quite well. They usually arrange favorable logistics to maximize their use of available time.</p>
<p>My sister alternated shifts with her husband for many years so that there was someone around for child-care and driving them around. Very rough on marriages. It may help if you have family around for support. Grandparents can watch the kids or take them places in a pinch or on a regular basis.</p>
<ul>
<li>Be firmly settled in your career before you have kids. I was 31 & 35 when mine were born. This will insure some financial security, as well as mental health.<br></li>
<li>Get the graduate degree out of the way (I did mine at 2-3 nights/week for 4 years in my mid/late 20s), as I can’t imagine having time for homework or group projects with little kids at home.<br></li>
<li>Have a supporting spouse that can step up if you are out of town. (when my youngest was 6 months old, I was out of the country for 2 weeks on business).<br></li>
<li>You and your spouse have jobs that both of you can be home by 6-7pm most nights. For 2 working parents, the kiss of death is one pulling the bulk of childcare duties.<br></li>
<li>Have solid, reliable childcare. We don’t have any family nearby, so we had a great daycare center (open 7-5:30, with extended care to 7 - they also provided breakfast & lunch, plus dinner if you went to aftercare - looking back this alone probably saved my sanity). We used this until the oldest was ready to go into kindergarden, then switched to live-in 20yo nanny from midwest, but still kept youngest in 1/2 day preschool every day.<br></li>
<li>Get a cleaning person to come in weekly to do heavy cleaning of bathrooms & kitchen. Also have them change sheets & wash towels.<br></li>
<li>Give up the fantasy of perfectly clean and organized house, although have your kids learn to put their toys away.</li>
</ul>
<p>I didn’t work at all for the first year and a half after my oldest was born. It wouldn’t have been so long, but for the first six months I had paid leave (we were in Germany), then we moved and that took time first to an apartment then to a house. While looking for a job I was also study for the registration exam. Eventually I found a part time job and did that for seven years. I quit that when I had babysitter issues and went in business for myself. I worked very part time at first, but have steadily grown my business. The idea was to be earning college tuition by the time the kids got to college.</p>
<p>I had my first kid at 33 after having worked for seven years.</p>
<p>I think quitting work all together is risky because it’s so hard to find a job when you are older. I loved working part time and got pretty involved in my kid’s elementary school.</p>
<p>I’m a 45 YO male with a 40 YO wife and we have two kids, both boys, ages 16 (in one month) and 12. Thanks for the question. </p>
<p>My advise goes something like this, first, at least one parent has to make work first. That is especially true if you work in Corporate America. You get paycheck and in exchange they own your soul. They don’t have a red suit and horns and a pitchfork but really what is the difference? </p>
<p>The other parent then is the compromise parent meaning the kids are first and work is second. You asked about planning to balance work/family, well, the best way you can plan it is to not bring more kids into this work than you can actually support. You are doing the right thing by getting an education first. That alone is good planning. Then do not marry poorly only to end up divorced, bitter and resentful at 40. Marry the right person. Don’t rush in. He/She might be hot now but that will fade. Marry someone who shares your values and life goals. Trust me on that one. </p>
<p>Theres an old adage: No one says on their deathbed, I wish I had spent more time at work.. IMO, this applies more with regard to family matters than anywhere else in life. Its all about setting priorities. </p>
<p>Heres some practical advice. Make yourself valuable to your employer. If you do your job well, provide your company with production they dont get from others, your boss will be more accommodating when you want to take time off. Plan ahead, meet milestones early when you know you have time off coming.</p>
<p>I agree with the advice to have your career firmly launched first, I was already a partner in my first law firm. I was 35 and 38 when I had my kids and that was nearly 22 years ago. I had live-in nannies until the youngest was 5, struggled with a patchwork of day-care and H help for a year until I gave up full-time work and settled into a part-time, telecommute position for the last 12 years. But I also changed law firm’s multiple times in those first 9 years before I found the balance. I realize I gave up money and a different kind of law career, but this worked for me. Now with my youngest about to leave home, I find myself unsure of what to do next. I think we all try different ways, it was difficult to achieve balance then and I think it still is. I just don’t think we really can have it all on a full-time basis.</p>
<p>I’ve been a working mom for more than 20 years. I wanted desperately to be home with my kids but finances wouldn’t allow. I can’t fully articulate to you how hard that has been for me. I’ve been angry at my husband and have deeply grieved the ability to be the type of parent I wanted to be for my kids and for myself. So my advice to you would be to have options, and the way to have options is to have money. Get your fiscal house in order long before you get pregnant. Pay down debt, begin a savings plan for the kids’ college, have good health insurance and have a nice nest egg. If you have to wait a year or two before becoming pregnant, it is fully worth it because kids are very, very expensive hobbies. You should definitely also have a partner who is on the same page as you. You don’t want to be committed to stepping out of the work force for a while and find out that your partner is having no part of that. Be prepared, set your priorities and lay the groundwork first. I tell my girls to be financially, maritally and residentially stable before getting pregnant, and then the details can be worked out. For example, you may decide to stay home and then have a boss who says (as I did with last child) “hey, I don’t want to lose you, let’s plan for you to come in two days a week and be available by phone for emergencies” which changes your plans. Through life experience, I’ve become a believer in being able to be employed, in that if the worst thing happened and you lost your partner you could be able to put food on the table. I’ve actually seen that happen to four families in my small circle in a small period of time, one through divorce and three through the death of a young parent. I’m a middle class person (meaning without substantial wealth to fall back on), so the thought of possibly being unemployable is scary, so keep that in mind. But the best thing to do is to be prepared and prudent. Good for you for thinking this through. That’s the first step to being the best kind of parent.</p>
<p>I think that you’re wise to ask this especially if (as I’m assuming by the wording in your question) you’re a young woman. I have two daughters & I’ve brought this up in conversation with them already. The reality is that, even with a very supportive husband, women end up being the primary childcare providers. Please don’t flame; I know a few SAHM dads or dads who have very creative jobs that have mucho flexibility that can carry the bulk of the duties but in my neck of the woods the moms that are the ones doing the heavy lifting.</p>
<p>When I had D1 I planned on going back to work but quickly found out that day care in my area was high; some basic math had me realize that I was going to clear about $100/week if I put my D in day care. I could make that working at the supermarket part time at night so I left my job (it wasn’t a hard decision; I was ready to make a career change anyway.) My DH took a job that required a lot of travel and along the way I tried working part time, but when it ended up that I’d have to get a sitter to work, it wasn’t financially worth it to me. I went back to grad school when D2 was in 1st grade (and the previous poster is right, try & get that out of the way pre-kids; it could be a difficult balance) and went back to work F/T when my youngest was in 7th grade. </p>
<p>During the 15 years that I was a SAHM, I worked p/t about 8 of those years. I also did a lot of volunteer work & made sure I kept up with my technology skills. One thing I have to say is that a lot of the decisions I made were because of how things affected ME. People get all verklempt about how day care etc. affects the kids, which is fine, but I was more worried about me. I couldn’t see making myself totally exhausted, stressed & guilty for the relatively small $$ I would make after accounting for expenses. And my being home allowed DH to concentrate on his career & he was able to move up the ladder; he was always supportive of my decisions no matter what I decided.</p>
<p>There are certain jobs that are more flexible with time than others: nurses can work night or weekend shifts; teachers usually follow the same school schedule as their kids. Owning your own business is tough, but you’re your own boss. Telecommuting is an option that wasn’t available when my kids were born. There are lots of ways that women are able to combine family & career; there’s no right or wrong, just what works best for you and your family.</p>
I agree with this. You can’t have it all at the same time, but you can have the things you really want if you plan accordingly. I’m less a fan of being an older parent because I was the child of older parents and I’ve lived the stereotypical downside. I think we’re coming to the point with the generation of women in college now and later in which a woman can step off the career ladder for a while, after being launched, and then come back and resume. I’ve been a hiring person in law firms for many years and I’ve seen in the last about three years that women are coming back onto the partnership track after taking time off or working part-time for family reasons. But it’s whatever will work for you, you know? Prioritize. For me it was always about wanting kids – I’ve never had any career ambition – which makes things a little less complicated.</p>
I think you’re totally right. It’s because my husband has been the one with the more flexible schedule that I’ve seen how unusual that can be. Which leads to all sort of consequences like the birthday parties my girls weren’t invited to because “we just don’t know her mom.” I sincerely believe that a woman should make the life/parenting priorities for herself and then communicate them to her partner because it’s the woman who will generally be pregnant, give birth, recover and taken maternity leave.</p>
<p>I agree with others, everyones situation is different. I agree with ACC, one parent makes work the priority, the other one does most of the compromising. I am a big proponent of one parent staying home to raise the kids, if possible.</p>
<p>My H took care of our S for about a year after he was born, he owned his own business so he had flexibility. I took care of our D for about a year after she was born. I took a LOA from work. For the following two years we had nannies til the kids were old enough for preschool. I cut back my hours and changed my schedule so I could be home when the kids got out of school at 3pm. Unfortunately for many working parents a lot of sports and activities are scheduled in the afternoon, if you can’t get your kid there for practice your kid can’t play. My kids have always been able to participate because I was there. Some days I have to work late or I have to travel for work, then my H pitches in or I solicit help from a friend.</p>
<p>i suggest you look into grad school asap and try to get that out of the way before you have kids. I didn’t and I can tell you trying to juggle work, school and home life was horrible. Hire household help if you can.</p>
<p>Don’t be afraid to take a LOA. At my engineering firm many women take years off to care for kids. Sure they lose advancement opportunities while they are out, but no one ever lies on their deathbed wishing they had worked more/harder. We also have a lot of guys cutting back on their hours or working altered schedules. I have lawyer friend who just quit her job. She was a partner in a large international firm and they refused to give her a LOA. Her kids are 8 and 12. Another laywer friend’s H quit his job when the kids were born, he is a SAHD going to college nights. They both love being home. </p>
<p>And the time drain doesn’t end once the kids enter school because then the sports, dance, music lessons and other activities start. I have a 10yo and a 17yo. There are piano lessons 1X a week, bball 5X a week right now between the two of them, sports conditioning 2X a week, driving lessons, PT sessions 2X a week for oldest, etc. Once school starts the activities may change but there is always stuff to drive to, watch, go to at least 6 days a week. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t overanalyze at this point. And there are many different ways to make it work, but thinking about things like grad school before you have kids will make it easier. And not going in over your head with a mortgage will allow you to do things like cut back on hours or hire household help.</p>
<p>I was told when my kids were young was that as they get bigger, so do the problems, logistics, etc. So true - when kids are under 6, you control all aspects of their life. After that, you become beholden to their school & extracurricular schedules.</p>
<p>I will not attempt a debate with any of the posters above about their statements, because everyone is different and what works for one person may not work for another. I personally felt that I invested too much time in my own education to give it up to stay home with my kids. I also don’t have the personality to be a SAHM. </p>
<p>I would suggest taking as much maternity leave as you can eek out and still keep your job. I went back to work when my kids were 6 & 4 months, respectively. By this time both were sleeping through the night and had started some solid food.</p>
<p>This is such an interesting question. Reading the posts on CC during the past few years (best scores, best scholarships, best college, best major, best blah blah blah), I have thought about this is reference to my daughter. There is so much focus on these areas, but there’s more to life, and sometimes I think it’s forgotten. Where will these things take our kids?</p>
<p>My daughter is an engineering major and will be a senior this year. She has worked so hard and my hope is that it will pay off for her. OTOH, I know that having a family is important to her. I go from thinking, “I hope she doesn’t have kids too soon so that she gets something back” (money, job satisfaction) to thinking,“I hope she can stay home with her kids because it was the best time of my life.” </p>
<p>Of course, there is the option of continuing with her career and having her kids in daycare. Who knows? What I do know is that she and her husband will have to weigh the options when the time comes and decide what is most important for them. </p>
<p>To the OP, don’t worry too much about the future. (Easier said than done, I know!) What you think might be right for you now, may be totally different by the time you get there. I worked with someone who was VERY career-oriented. Once that baby came, her priorities shifted and her career was no longer as important as it had once been.<br>
I worked with another person who was also very career-oriented, and we all thought she would change when the baby came. She was ready to go back to work when the baby was two weeks old! </p>
<p>So . . . enjoy college. You sound like a very thoughtful person. You will figure out what to do when the time comes.</p>
<p>Good advice from people who have been there and done that.</p>
<p>Here are my 2 suggestions:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Find a career that lends itself to part-time possibilities.<br>
You are not likely to work part-time successfully if you work on new product announcements in a large corporation. OTOH, if you are an accountant. physical therapist, etc you can work part-time.</p></li>
<li><p>Live below your means and start saving as soon as you can.<br>
Too many 2 career parents get locked into both working because they have a lifestyle that requires both to work. Working or not, raising children is expensive. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>As was said before, it is true in most marriages that career comes first for one and family for the other. Just be sure your husband recognizes the role you play and values it.</p>