Playboy kid with Senioritis making me really nervous

Parent Cafe
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Anyone else have this kid? The consummate under-achiever? He prides himself on how well he did, despite how little he did. “I barely studied and still got a 96% on my (honors) chem test.” “I missed the review day, and still got the third highest grade in the class (Spanish 3).” It worries me, and, of course, I’ve talked to him about where this could lead. He’s very smart (and so stupid too) and seems to know how to do the least needed to get what he wants…not just in school, but all around. It’s maddening to watch.

And there’s the social piece. He is more dedicated to playing and partying than he seems to be to anything else right now. He really does have senioritis, and seems to just want to play right now, and says this is his last chance before he has to hunker down in college. At least that’s what he said a couple months ago…haven’t heard that excuse lately. He is always on the go, putting in just enough time to do his schoolwork, but is otherwise, at the gym, at the beach, or hanging with friends or at parties. He is a slob at home, and all disgruntled when we get on him about even just picking up after himself.

He’s finally working…but only because he all-of-a-sudden needed money to go a music festival.

This kid has straight A’s in high school except for a rough sophomore year. His academic GPA is 3.66 with only two honors classes, no AP’s, and he was an all-CIF varsity football player, putting in 20 hours per week in his sport pretty much year-round since summer before freshman year. And he really is intelligent (like he actually is) and he can really enjoy some academic and intellectual stuff. He’s not just a dumb-head. He can work hard, and has, but…

He has also been doing the minimum he needs to do to figure out this college thing. Part of that is my fault because I tend to go overboard with the help (I love research, and am over-qualified to be a stay-at-home mom), and so he doesn’t probably take enough ownership of it all, expecting me to direct him with tasks. But even when I tell him to do stuff, he doesn’t do what all needs to be done, because he “has to” go to the beach. No, I don’t do it for him (ok, I’ve done a couple minor things)…I just nag him until he does it. I have let some opportunities fall away because he is not following through.

So, if any of you have seen my other ongoing thread, we’re trying to make college decisions, and we’re planning to spend at least 100,000 dollars on this kid over the next few years. It is not feeling like a good investment right about now, and I’m feeling like pulling the plug, and saying, nope, community college for you, and kicking his butt out of the house if he can’t be more courteous in his ways. I hate to say it, but part of what we hope college will accomplish is teaching the kid perspective and appreciation. I hear it actually does help a lot in those areas.

I would love to hear what people think…but I really think it won’t be too helpful hearing from people who have the perfectly studious kids, who seems to perfectly gravitate toward responsibility, and who have perfectly woven their social, club, and sport interests into now focusing themselves on this college thing. You will say, “I would never send THAT kid to college on my dime.” I know, but you probably don’t know really this kid. I would really love to hear from people who have had this kid, and what your experiences were. I know there has to be plenty of imperfect (in this regard) kids who do study, and like learning, and yet like the social A LOT too, kids that go off to school and find enough focus and actually get an education.

How does one know if your kid is going to be the crash and burn kid, or the pull-it-together kid? How much weight do you put on current behavior such that I’ve described when making college decisions? Do you send them off and the proof will be in the pudding, or pull the plug before that? I was going to sit down and do extensive research on the schools that are the ones in the final running, and I just can’t bear to put in that work, when the kid ran off to the beach with nary a care about all this. I can’t be the only parent who sometimes feel like I care more about this than the kid. (And lest anyone think we’re pushing him…we regularly tell him all the benefits of community college, and that that is a good option for him, and he says he doesn’t want to go that route.)

Thank you for your honest and hopefully gentle too responses.

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“This kid has straight A’s in high school”

If he can do this and still pull off a grand social life, good for him. Better than being a grind with his nose stuck in the books. He sounds bright. Many successful people achieve because of a combo of intelligence and people skills.

I think the one thing I would like to know is how rigorous is his high school and has it prepared him well for college work? How are his test scores?

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Sending you a PM.

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That sounds like me when I was in high school…I managed to pull it together in college. A couple of my friends however…not so much.

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I can relate, Jesse’sgirl! Recently, I seem to have one of those “street angel, house devil” types my mother used to talk about, lol! Our daughter is really pushing it lately - doesn’t even really pretend an interest in hw anymore, is completely absorbed by her phone, can be very surly with us, and hardly wants to spend any time at home. She’s as sweet as she can be at school, however, and works hard at a local cafe, but at home, lately, is a real PITA.

My hope is that she pulls it together when she starts college this fall – I find myself swinging wildly between sadness at the thought that she will be leaving us so soon and wishing that September were here already!

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Thanks @doschicos . He got a 25 on the ACT. To assess his intelligence, I have to disclose a little secret: he was homeschooled up until high school, and we follow a philosophy called unschooling. (I may be losing anonymity here now…) Bottom line, he never did specifically academic stuff, nor ever took tests of any kind until high school. I think 25 is good-ish (even if CC averages are way higher), considering that, and that it’s not higher is more a reflection of not spending all his prior years in school, rather than a reflection of his intelligence and potential. His school is supposedly very rigorous; he’s only in the 4th decile in his class of over 700. BUT, as I said, he has only had two honors classes - chem and Alg 2/Trig. He has always been in the top of his class in math and science classes. He started in “college prep” classes, but not in the higher classes, because of having never been to school before. I am worried about his writing, which is not very strong. Oh, and if he’d get around to following through what he needs to do, he will take pre-calc at the CC this summer.

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So you unschooled and expect him to be Mr. Studious instead of Mr. Experience? :wink: :smiley: I have some extended family that does unschooling so very familiar with the concept.

I think whether you should feel concerned or not will partially be driven by what kind of college he attends and the level of academic rigor.

How does he do with independence, both in personal things needed to be an independent college student and in his own time management/study habits? I know he doesn’t study a lot but does he buckle down and get it done when he needs to? It’s not too late to work on developing those self-management skills over the coming months. As far as the writing, I think that can be a weakness for a lot of first year college students. Does his college offer a freshman seminar type writing class or some other writing heavy course designed to get new college students up to speed?

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By the way, @CU123, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. :confused: It was me too, in high school AND in college, and even in grad school…moving more toward the studious as time went on, but always with plenty of fun, and magna cum laude at the college level. :confused: I don’t want a ME kid!!!

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@jesse’sgirl

ummmmmmmmmm…you got a ME kid. :D/

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I did a lot of the research on the college front for my senior too…He should have been more involved. But that is in the past. May 1st is fast approaching. I’m not sure my son would have make a decision yet if we hadn’t asked for it. I know you are worried about how your son will do in college. I think most parents are on some level. But right now I would ask him if he is going to sit down and decide where he wants to go or should you just go ahead and sign him up for CC. Do not make this decision for him. He needs to decide this one on his own. If you make the decision and it doesn’t work out then he could come back and blame you.

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No worry OP. He will most likely succeed beyond the moon. He seems to have all he needs. And what he is lacking is maturity. And that comes with, obviously, age.

My S has half of your kids attribute. My S is very smart, very handsome and very talented in music and theater. But he lacks the social piece you talked about and any drive. Mostley, the drive or initiative. Your S is an extrovert and has lots of friends. Believe me, I think he will be OK.

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Did he not want to take more honors or AP classes? Is he looking to do the bare minimum?

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I think part of the question (or answer) here is …what is the rigor of the college he plans to go to in the fall? Does he know others going there or no? Is it near to home or far? Will he be living on campus? So many aspects!

I’ll be honest and say it seems he hasn’t had much challenge - nor was he convinced by anyone that he should challenge himself in high school. These two facts alone: he hasn’t taken pre-calc even as a senior and that he has trouble with writing - are two red flags for college - even if the college is not too rigorous.

I would also be concerned about him and the college social scene - either picking up where he is leaving off in high school - or, sometimes even harder - the adjustment of all of a sudden being a small fish in a big pond.

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I’d make him fund his own spending money & books for sure (and if he joins a frat, all that expense is his). That way you are not actually paying for the partying part, and he will likely need a summer job at least, which will be good for him. I’d set some firm max on what you’ll spend on tuition/room/board, a minimum GPA he is required to keep for you to keep paying, and tell him you are in financially for 8 semesters and no more. I wouldn’t be too draconian on the GPA, as college is hard – maybe a 3.0 for a STEM major, and a 3.2 for non-STEM?

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I think that this could go several different ways. I think that the two most likely university outcomes are: (i) He succeeds very well, with you not noticing any problem; (ii) He mostly succeeds, but has a bad semester or two, which serves as a wake up call (and motivates the rest of the “mostly succeeds”).

Thinking of the second, I would try to budget to avoid financial disaster if he ends up needing 5 years of university. Considering the entire US university population, less than half of all students actually graduate in 4 years.

“How does one know if your kid is going to be the crash and burn kid, or the pull-it-together kid?”

I don’t think that any of us can know for certain. I would bet in your case on the “pull-it-together” outcome. However, you will need to find out over time.

“I am worried about his writing, which is not very strong… he will take pre-calc at the CC this summer.”

It sounds like there is some catch up to be done. At the risk of being simplistic, for STEM (or at least the TEM part) you need calculus, for everything else you need to be able to write. He needs to take the pre-calculus very seriously , since it will be the basis for calculus, which will be the basis for a lot of things going forward if he goes into technology, engineering or math.

You didn’t say where he will be going in September (unless I missed it). I would avoid MIT (too much stress) and would also avoid community college (not enough of a challenge). Fortunately there are about 3000 universities in the middle.

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Unschooling can be great but you can’t raise a kid like that and expect him to suddenly be a rule follower. How rigorous is his chosen school. If it’s not very rigorous then he’ll likely be fine.

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You would have hated having the salutatorian of my HS graduating class as according to undergrad roommates of his at MIT, that was basically his undergrad career as an EE major.

Never pulled a single all-nighter, had plenty of free time to enjoy Boston/Cambridge, parties, campus ECs, etc…and managed to graduate near the top of his undergrad/Masters classes with a BS and MS in EE in 4 years. Later returned to MIT for his PhD and now heads a technology firm in the NE.

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@jesse’sgirl Short of the unschooling, you have described our situation two years ago. We had some of the same worries. We told our son he could go to his dream school, and he would have one year to figure it out (only one semester if he completely bombed). We gave him a year because I think there needs to be time to adapt to being away from home.
He went away and he adapted very well socially. Absolutely no issues there. Academically he was struggling. Found out that it’s not as easy to get by on natural abilities.
Low GPA first semester and we reiterated at Christmas break that if we did not see significant improvement second semester he would not be going back on our dime. He turned it around second semester, recovered his GPA and got accepted into his major.
He is still very social,and maybe doesn’t study as much as most on CC would want but he is doing well and has a good balance of his social and academic life. He is finishing his second year and we are starting to see the maturity process although we know he will always be the laid back happy go lucky kid.

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Isn’t it too late now to try to change his study habits? I would not expect anything different to happen in college, and he’ll get the grades he earns. He might learn quickly that he needs to sit in a chair and study. If he’s going to play football in college, he’ll get help with that as most schools have mandatory study tables until the athletes make grades the first semester or year. My daughter’s best semester was the one she had to do study tables - nothing to do but study for 2 hours every night.

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“Isn’t it too late now to try to change his study habits?”

The student will probably do this in university for the simple reason that he will be forced to. However, it would probably make things a lot easier for him to get some help with study habits before he goes off to university.

Some students, particularly very smart students, get into the habit of putting off studying until the end of the term. This can be fine in high school when classes are easy (actually for maths and physics I never studied in high school at all, and still pulled of A+'s). However, when the student shows up at university at some point they suddenly discover that this doesn’t work very well. In many cases this is discovered in the last week of a semester when they can’t pull it off.

It would be potentially far less painful if the student can learn to keep ahead, and do homework as close as possible to when it is assigned, not when it is due. Keep notes regarding what homework is due when, and how long each homework is likely to take. Be pessimistic in estimates of how long homework will take, and schedule to do things early so that if there are any bad surprises there is still time to catch up. There are “study habits” tutors who can be quite helpful in this.