Please Comment on my Essay

<p>I'm applying early action to MIT with this essay. Please critique the ideas; tell me what you think of it in general (I still need to work on fluency; this is a semi-rough draft).</p>

<p>Note: Copying isn't cool. If you are a copier, may the Karma police strike you down.</p>

<pre><code>I have had a blessed life. My parents are both very supportive and loving. My brother and I have a very close bond. I live in a nice middle-class home in a nice middle class neighborhood. However, I, like everyone else, have felt the growing pains of adolescence.
My sixth grade year was a shock to my system. Quail Valley Middle school was worlds away from my quiet elementary school, and I had a very hard time adjusting to the structure. Simply sitting at a desk made my legs feel like they had caught a fire that could only be quenched by constant motion. I had a very difficult time concentrating. (Doctors had diagnosed me with ADD/ADHD, but I really didn’t know what it meant). Worst of all, I had lost touch with all of my friends from elementary school (and was even bullied by one).
Having very few ways to resolve my problems externally (I had no friends and at twelve years old, I was too much of a man to consult to my mom), I indulged in a little escapism. I first began to retreat to the closest thing to wilderness in my neighborhood, a large retention pond behind the park that’s directly behind my house. I got into the habit of taking long walks. As I progressed through the year, I became better and better at dissecting my problems, breaking them down to individual elements, and resolving them one by one. Essentially, every day I came home frazzled and frustrated, I ran away, took apart the day, and attempted to figure out how it worked.
</code></pre>

<p>I was obviously unhappy with myself at the time. So, I attempted to create a goal to try to become- someone who was upright, moral, and compassionate (because I felt emotionally dead at the time). I decided to work to change as quickly as possible. I had the perception that the human brain was made of plaster of Paris; that I had to shape before it would freeze at the age of eighteen (I now realize that I was wrong; I still change daily, and never want to give up the possibility for more improvement). Today, I am not an idealized model of myself, and never will be. But in striving to become this nonexistent person, I formed a much more mature perspective on morality (one that was internal, not external).
In retrospect, I’m glad I had to endure rejection and failure at an early age; it has deepened me considerably. And although I’m much happier now and rely more on my friends to help me resolve my problems, I am very glad that I have a healthy coping mechanism to fall back upon in case I fall victim to the fickle finger of fate.</p>

<p>Uncle,you are not a bad writer and it's late so just a couple of quick thoughts. What was the prompt? In one sentence (without dependent clauses if possible) what were you trying to share about yourself? How did that essay answer the prompt? And I guess finally ,for now at least, putting yourself in the admission rep's place ,what did you learn about the applicant and how did that make you feel about the applicant and what they can bring to the table? Again you write well. It just appears you may have some trouble deciding what to write about. Answer those questions and give it another spin.</p>

<p>The prompt was "Life brings many disappointments as well as satisfactions. Tell us about a time in your life when you experienced a disappointment, or faced difficult or trying circumstances. How did you react?</p>

<p>I was attempting to share how I think and who I am; that I'm throughtful and resilient. I wrote about this because I want MIT to see that I'm not a test taking zombie (and also I mentioned ADD/ADHD to explain my relatively low grades early in high school). Somewhere in MIT's application, it says "use your essays to make a personal statement, to tell us things that demonstrate your character, personality, compassion, sense of fairness, humor, integrity." On the minor MIT essays, I talked about my love of science and music- I think those properly addressed my academic interests, so I decided to talk about my personality.</p>

<p>Bump bump bump.</p>

<p>I'm not trying to be Socrates here, but what is it about your personality that you think shines through the essay?</p>

<p>That's true. I guess I need to make the 4th paragraph ("I was obviously unhappy with myself...") very specific. What do you think about the rest of it?</p>

<p>Look at this. Not that you would copy it,but don't. This is my style,or lack thereof. LOL. It probably sucks but maybe you'll get the point.</p>

<p>At half past way too late I threw the clock across the room. All my years of frustration. All my years of torture. All my tears came washing down my freshman cheeks as I jerked my pen with violence against my sworn enemy ,the blank page. Crying, and jerking, and giving in to those stupid letters. My "diagnosis". A bunch of stupid stupid letters I probably couldn't keep in order anyway. I took those pills and I still can't do this. I'll never finish in time. Everybody else turned their assignment in today. "If I am another day late", I thought, but I cannot be late again. I'll have to do it myself . It's not like anyone can do it for me. I will not be limited by those letters . I will not give in to that diagnosis. If I can just write this one paper, I can pass Freshman Honors English. If I can just write this one paper, I can write all the others. If I can just write this one paper, I will one day apply to MIT."</p>

<p>!.Answer the prompt</p>

<p>2.show ,don't tell</p>

<p>3.Use literary devices to create a style and convince your audience. Rather than say -"I was really stressed as a freshman when assignments piled up and I did not have coping skills".Dull. Dull. Dull. Instead. Tick,tick,tick . How loud is that clock? Tick,tick,thud as the clock bounces of the far wall of my tiny room. Riiiiiiinnnnggggg!!!The alarm?The clock's in ten pieces. What's next? Sirens? Fire alarms?</p>

<ol>
<li>Use only the space allowed.</li>
</ol>

<p>5.It has to be your voice. Let it out there. If they won't like you,don't you want to know that before you get there?</p>

<p>Hope this helps. All I am really trying to say is almost all of you are playing this too close to the vest.</p>