<p>English is my second language hence the poor vocabulary and writing skills. Can anyone critique my essay?? I hope it´s not boring!!</p>
<p>I can´t do the PM thing yet so can you mail me at fanuafiji at g mail . com ? </p>
<p>The prompt:
Option 1 : Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.</p>
<p>Thanks in advance</p>
<p>just post it here if you want people to read it</p>
<p>At first glance, the beach seems dead. After staring at the same spot for a minute, you see how everything begins to move; all the rocks and shells that appeared so lifeless and cold are now running around in pure chaos. After another minute you realize that the beach is crowded of hundreds of hermit crabs, carrying their shells of varying size, shape and color.</p>
<p>The concept of the hermit crabs changing their shells once their bodies became too big fascinated me. They actively choose and try them on before they finally settle in. But before they could do that and live another stage of their lives, they had to leave their old shell behind which had been their home, which they had carried around everywhere, where they had hid from dangers and felt perfectly content. </p>
<p>And this is exactly what I had to do when my family moved from urban Germany to the Fiji Islands - leave my old shell behind. I was 13 years old when we moved and 13 and a half when I realized that I would not get very far with my old shell my German mindset. The next period of time was very tough as I had discarded my prior values and principles and had no new shell yet which would protect me from predations. </p>
<p>The first months went by quickly. I learnt how to iron my grey uniform and plait my hair for school in the mornings. Then we would walk with the neighboring kids to school. The school was high up on a hill and I was always glad when I reached it without having sweat stains under my arms. Around me, I heard my peers speak English, Fijian and Hindustani and often a blend between those three. Of course, then I could not differentiate the three and was glad to learn any new words regardless of their origin. </p>
<p>Everyone knew that I was new. How could they not? I was white. The people called me “Kaivalagi” which meant “white person”. My peers in school asked me for money because they associated my skin color with wealth. They stole my lunch and clothes, made fun of me for being skinny or my untidy hair. I could not understand the fright the pupils had for their teachers, men and God. I could not understand why the girls were not allowed to go anywhere after school and had to do chores for the rest of the days. </p>
<p>And just after I could slowly grasp shreds of the new languages, the fact that possessions have no value in Fiji, that the head is sacred in the Fijian culture and should not be touched, that nature is humanity´s biggest resource, that Kaivalagi not actually means white person but people that came from the sky, just then I realized that I had found my new shell. </p>
<p>From then on, I loved my new life. I acknowledged the paradise I now lived in, the palm trees, the juicy mangoes, the waterfalls, the marine life… I had made true friends and even though differences still draw thin lines between us, it is that difference that defines us. I can now walk barefoot in the jungles, can husk and scrape coconuts, catch, gut and scale my own fish, plait thatched roofs and pull root crops. </p>
<p>When I returned to Germany six years later, I met up with old friends and was astonished to see how little they had changed. I could relate to them but I could see how their surrounding owned them. I realized that it is a mutualistic relationship one has with one´s environment and that I may wear many shells throughout my life but my me inside them will always be the same.</p>
<p>I like it a lot! The only thing I would change is add a little bit more about you and your identity, as the prompt says. Other than that, this is a really good essay.</p>
<p>Also, I would recommend condensing the first two paragraphs with the seashells and such - it’s a nice intro, but you want to get to your story as quick as possible.</p>
<p>5 is the only good paragraph. You spent way to much time describing what happened instead of how it affected you. Final paragraph is a touchy subject because it makes you seem judgmental. In general, it’s not a good idea to put down other people’s values.</p>
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<p>Agreed you have to write more on how it AFFECTS you and shapes you, rather than unnecessary scenery details. Remember this isn’t a story, it is a statement.</p>
<p>Thanks guys… I´ll go over it again… Should I maybe leave the whole hermit crab thing aside?? Oh and I did not not mean to be judgmental and did not see how I put other people´s values down. Sorry, I guess I need to watch out for that.</p>
<p>I like the hermit crab thing, it gives the essay a nice theme and helps it flow, in my opinion.</p>
<p>^ + since it’s a personal statement, you are best off focusing on how you changed and not mentioning how other people haven’t.</p>
<p>The hermit crab stuff is taking up too much space. You devoted a whole paragraph to backstory which is worthless for getting across who you are. If you can shorten it down and make it fit, do it else just scrap it.</p>
<p>@lostinmymind</p>
<p>Why did you tell him to post his essay on a public site?..</p>
<p>@savusavu I recommend that you take out your essay from your post ASAP(People can steal it… etc.).</p>
<p>All you need is 15 post to use PM. Avoid essays online in future. I suppose it is too late to edit your text out…</p>
<p>Yes thanks a lot peeps, i know I shouldn´t have posted it here. Yeah I can´t remove it now but it´s fine I don´t think anyone is going to steal MY essay anyways. 
I´m going to start anew. And shorten it too! I want it to be juicy, and inspiring not boring and saggy 
Thanks again</p>
<p>It is a pretty good essay, but I agree that 2 para on hermit crabs is too much…</p>