Please critique my Essay! Help

<p>Hey guys, I've been editing this essay numerous times and I need to finalize it today and send it in. Please help me revise it.
If you can edit it that would be awesome.
thanks</p>

<p>An application to MIT is much more than a set of test scores, grades and activities. It's often a reflection of an applicant's dreams and aspirations, dreams shaped by the worlds we inhabit. We'd like to know a bit more about your world. Describe the world you come from, for example your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?</p>

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<p>__<strong><em>On a heavy monsoon day, I was walking home from school. The wet ground was filled with puddles and earthworms of all sizes crawled around seeking shelter. I was returning home early because the monsoon was out of control; several strong trees had collapsed and roads were flooded. My rubber gumboots were half-filled with water and I could hear the dripping sound as more water accumulated in them. Soon I reached my building, picked up the mails and ran up to the apartment. Of course, all this time I had an umbrella neatly tucked under my arm but didn’t use it. I loved getting wet and playing in the rain.
_</em></strong>
<strong><em>After I reached home, I was excited to meet with my friends; activities such as table tennis, carom board, potato guns, and badminton to name just a few kept us occupied. However, the mood in my house wasn’t so joyous. My parents were talking slowly among themselves. Soon my dad approached me, articulated himself and said, “We will be moving to America”.
</em></strong><strong><em>Ten months later, around 11:30 AM, I was disembarking the plane at JFK international airport in New York City. Throughout the flight, I thought of what I had left behind: my friends, teachers, relatives, neighborhood and almost everything that I had called home at age thirteen. In fact, I also had to leave behind my science projects, paintings, and my favorite cricket bat. However, I soon left the airport and saw wide stretches of roads free of panhandlers slowing down the traffic and fast food restaurants on every corner with no signs of embellished temples I was accustom to seeing. I felt confused because the sky was sunny, yet the weather was cold. It felt as if I would need a hundred jackets to stay warm. At this point, I knew I wasn’t dreaming; I was in America.<br>
</em></strong><strong><em>Everything in America seemed extremely convenient: microwaves, big screen television, dishwashers and other such accoutrements made life easier. It looked like a land of paradise until I started high school; the day the real test began. I was once playing baseball in physical education, which is a sport very much like cricket in that you hit the ball and run. That's exactly what I did except I kept on running with the bat in my hand. Over twenty sets of eyes stared at me in confusion and although the incident was funny, I was embarrassed. From then on, I realized that I would have to work harder because I was not used to what was common to the kids here. I started reading extensively and researched information before the lecture to actively participate in classes. Overtime, this turned into a habit and I no longer had trouble speaking up. I started becoming bold and confident outside but when I came home, my world was different. The environment in my house was still that of the Indian culture: I spoke either Hindi or Gujarati instead of English, the food was a mix of both cultures, and along with school work and activities, I had to help my parents with numerous tasks since they did not speak English very well. I have now learned to blend the two cultures by emulating the best of both.
_</em></strong>
__My dreams and aspiration have not been shaped overnight. They have developed progressively and my immigration experience has played a major role in shaping my dreams. As a child I was extremely interested in medicine. Upon arriving in this country, I noticed the quality of service and health care available to the citizens and contrasted it with others countries I had visited. I felt a desire to improve the conditions and this strengthened my already present passion for the field. As I grew older, this love has grown stronger because of the increased exposed to the field. Job shadow days with doctors, hospital and other volunteer works, blood drives, biotechnology camp, and internships at Vassar Hospital and Sloan Kettering Hospital have all added to my passion for the field of medicine. My parents have given me the greatest opportunity and resources by immigrating to America, which I might not have had in India. My sister once said, "The world has not shaped you, but in fact you have shaped the world around yourself." When I think back and reflect on the years that have passed by, I know I have been successful, however, the journey is not yet over. There is still the ultimate goal to achieve – the day when I fulfill my dream and become a doctor.</p>

<p>Oh yea... I also have to cut it down by about 200 words....</p>

<p>bump bump bump</p>

<p>You need to check the grammar and spelling in 2 or 3 sentences but in general, it's well-written. It's a bit rambling, try to keep descriptions like walking in the rain and how you settled into the US more concise . The blend of cultures is interesting, something you can emphasise a bit more. Great conclusion... you're definitely on the right track</p>

<p>Can you tell me what sentences need the changes please?
Also, i am planning to compleely get rid of the baseball part and just say that i had a difficult time getting used to or something like that
what do you think of that?</p>

<p>"picked up the mails and ran up to the apartment."</p>

<p>picked up the mail and ran up to the appartment.</p>

<p>"with no signs of embellished temples I was accustom to seeing"</p>

<p>with no sign of the embellished temples I was accustomed to seeing"</p>

<p>"started reading extensively and researched information" </p>

<p>started reading extensively and researching information"</p>

<p>as you can see it's mostly the small inaccuracies in expression not the content... there might be more have a another check</p>

<p>You don't have to get rid of the basball bit, it's actually quite amusing. Just shorten it like: When we played baseball in PE I accidently began running with the bat, a funny yet natural mistake since I'm so used to cricket.</p>

<p>Also, it's not about cutting out bits (I don't think there's any unnecessary concepts or descriptions in your essay just some unnecessary words) but reducing them to the concise info you need. For instance:</p>

<p>"From then on, I realized that I would have to work harder because I was not used to what was common to the kids here. I started reading extensively and researched information before the lecture to actively participate in classes. Overtime, this turned into a habit and I no longer had trouble speaking up. I started becoming bold and confident outside but when I came home, my world was different."</p>

<p>From then on I knew I would have to get used the the way of life here. So before lectures, I would do some research so I could participate in class. This soon became natural to me: I was bolder and no longer lacking confidence to speak up. However, at home, my world was different.</p>

<p>thanks a lot guys
I'll try to make the changes and post the finalized version soon.</p>

<p>your essay is quite good - but you just need to tighten it more - one piece of advice: don't get rid of the stories you tell (the baseball, the monsoon..) those make the essay more vivid. Try to eliminate your lists (of things you had to get used to - microwave etc, of games you played etc) In other words, use more anecdotes and less lists - also known as "show don't tell".</p>

<p>apartment is not spelled with two p's :D</p>

<p>thanks for the advice on the essay.
I've been revising it and deleted a lot of the immigration details becuase i think it's just details leading to nothing (not to say there are many other details in the essay leading to nothing)
However, i've posted the revised version and i need serious help with creating transitions in the fourth paragraph. I've been thinking unsuccessfully.
Can you please share any ideas or any correction?
thanks</p>

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<p>_<strong><em>On a heavy monsoon day, I was walking home from school. The wet ground was filled with puddles and earthworms of all sizes crawled to seek shelter. My rubber gumboots were half-filled with water and I could hear the dripping sound as more water accumulated in them. Soon I reached my building, picked up the mail and ran up to my apartment. Of course, all this time I had an umbrella neatly tucked in my school bag but didn’t use it. I loved getting wet and playing in the rain.
_</em></strong><strong><em>After I reached home, I was excited to get together with my friends. However, the mood in my house wasn’t so cheerful. My parents were talking slowly among themselves. Soon my dad approached me and said, “We will be moving to America”.
_</em></strong><strong><em>Ten months later, around 11:30 AM, I was disembarking the plane at JFK international airport in New York City. My mind comprised of mixed feeling, but I was excited for the most part. Would I be the next Sachin Tendulkar, the youngest cricket player? Or would I be the next Dr. J.C. Bose, the great biologist who proved that plants too could feel? Since I was a child I have been extremely interested in medicine and my dream ever since has been to become a doctor. I optimistically looked at the future convinced that there would be myriad of opportunities to learn more about medicine in America.
_</em></strong><strong><em>School soon started. Once, when we played baseball in Physical Education I accidentally began running with the bat, a funny yet natural mistake since I was used to cricket. From then on I knew I would have to get used the way of life here. So, I began reading extensively and researching information before lectures allowing me to could participate in classes. One change that was prominent, however, was the change in culture. I never really knew whether to follow American or Indian culture. Upon receiving a 99 on a test, my parents would always question where the one point went, forcing me to recap on my mistakes. Most of my teachers, on the other hand, would congratulate me and then advise me to loosen up a bit. I continued to be influenced by both cultures because of school in the morning and the time at home. However, I consider myself fortunate to have the opportunity of experiencing two cultures at once. I have now learned to emulate the best of both. Instead of just math and science, I also became an expert at dancing and leading. I continue to work hard, yet have fun and feel satisfied. The experience of two cultures has created a unique personality for me and helped me become a well-rounded person.
_</em></strong>
My dreams and aspirations have not been shaped overnight. They have developed progressively and this experience of immigration has played a major role.
The rest is conclusion</p>

<p>myriad 'of' - i don't think the of should be there?
99 - you should add 'percent', & how you had 'lost the other 1%'</p>

<p>but how is the flow of the essay?
how can i improve it?</p>

<p>I think you could cut out a lot of the description -- rubber boots, earthworms, dripping water -- and get to the point faster. Just use only small touches of that kind of description to set the scene. The adcoms are interested in you -- your character, your thoughts -- not the weather or scenery.</p>

<h2>First off...</h2>

<p>gianievve: "myriad 'of' - i don't think the of should be there?</p>

<h2>99 - you should add 'percent', & how you had 'lost the other 1%'"</h2>

<p>That's not right. There should always be an "of" after myriad. What you had originally was correct. And there's no need for a 'percent' after 99, they will know what you mean, and it will sound much less pompous. No american high school student ever says "ninety-nine percent" when asked what they received on a math test. So just ignore both those comments.</p>

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<h2>After I reached home, I was excited to get together with my friends. However, the mood in my house wasn’t so cheerful. My parents were talking slowly among themselves. Soon my dad approached me and said, “We will be moving to America”.</h2>

<p>very weak transitional paragraph. Sounds choppy, and the grammar and flow are poor at some parts. Don't say "AFTER" you reached home you were excited to play with your friends. That doesn't make any sense, since you said that you noticed the mood right when you got home. You must have meant that you were excited to play with your friends after you got home. There are nicer ways of saying that also such as, "It was a typical day, and my thirteen-year-old mind had planned out an afternoon of pingpong with friends." and you can make a smoother transition such as "My mother didn't greet me as usual at the door that day, and by the pieces of hushed conversation seeping in from the back porch, I knew something serious was going on."</p>

<p>Just make it flow a little better, you don't have to take my advice, as long as your writing at least sounds fluent and not so ESL (though your writing is VERY good having only been in the country for 4 years or so). </p>

<p>If you want to talk, send me a private message.</p>

<p>I'm MIT EA as well by the way ;)</p>

<p>Thanks all of you!!
I finally send in my application and I really appreciate all of your help.
lets hope for the best now!</p>