Please Critique my UNC essay.. thanks*

Robert Frost said, “You are educated when you have the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or self-confidence.” Please tell us about an experience – either yours or someone else’s – that either supports or contradicts Frost’s statements.

<pre><code> Watching my sociology teacher set up a topic for discussion, I glanced around the room at my diverse class – kids in the “top ten”, the “druggie”, trouble-makers, wall-flowers, and jocks. “I have never been in a class like this,” I thought to myself. My schedule of Honors and AP classes, while challenging me intellectually and providing me with lessons to bring to college with me, have never exposed me to as varied lifestyles as this sociology class. My assumption was that the twenty or thirty kids in my rigorous classes were intellectually superior and were cutting edge with their views on music, politics, and ideas. However, my biggest revelations during high school did not come from these students, but from some peers I never considered for what they were worth.

The topic discussed in sociology that day was the war in Iraq – a highly sensitive subject to many students. As usual, the “intellectuals” started by briefly stating their views, and then refuting all other ideas that were presented. Yet what amazed me was the patience and respect that the rest of the class had. The “druggie” calmly described his well-thought out view, but accepted arguments and was able to listen to other ideas. The troublemakers quit their foolery and also politely engaged in a conversation, open to opinion and educationally stating theirs.

 This scene suddenly woke me up.  Was I too ignorant myself to see the real message here?  Were the “smart kids” really the educated ones?  People I held in lower regard because of poor grades and behavior were representing themselves as the truly learned students.  Their mannerisms of humbleness and self-confidence combined contrasted sharply with the superiority complex and ignorance of those that were the grade winners.

    I was ashamed that I had unconsciously acted in such a way, yet was grateful for the eye-opener received that day.  The issue at hand was not the bigger factor, but rather the way in which the participating parties conducted themselves.  Some of the students who took the most challenging classes and earned good grades displayed themselves in their truest form.  Their vanity and extreme self-assurance blinded them from the true meaning of education, which was not lost on the most unexpected soul in the class. 

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By revealing themselves as educated individuals who listened and conversed with the class with total respect, my unassuming classmates exemplify Robert Frost’s idea on the educated man. Through watching such classmates and hearing their ideas, I hope to rid myself of the ignorance I once undoubtedly had. Grades or status do not make a person smarter than you or I, but it is their mannerisms that truly reveal intellect.

<p>when you use quotation marks, the comma goes inside…for example: the “blah,” the “blah blah blah,” and w00t. </p>

<p>:-)</p>

<p>consider revising: “providing me with lessons to bring to college with me”</p>

<p>how can someone “win a grade”</p>

<p>isnt that the short essay that’s only like 200 words?</p>

<p>No, this is the 500 word essay.</p>

<p>Thanks for your feedback, does anyone else have more?</p>

<p>Overall - a good answer to the quotation.</p>

<p>What does this wierd phrase mean “the most unexpected soul in the class” who is the unexpected soul, you? Were you not enrolled in class?</p>

<p>“of the ignorance I once undoubtedly had” - how about “my preconceived notion/mindset” don’t use undoubtedly, it a waste junk word.</p>

<p>I feel your last two paragraphs are redundant somehow and need tightening.</p>

<p>Druggie? Not sure do you mean stoner, or is he tweaking and stuff in class?</p>

<p>“their mannerisms that truly” mannerisms is not the right word here. Attitude maybe or actions, or conduct.</p>

<p>Mannerisms

  1. A distinctive behavioral trait; an idiosyncrasy.
  2. Exaggerated or affected style or habit, as in dress or speech. See Synonyms at affectation.</p>

<p>My schedule of Honors and AP classes, while challenging me intellectually and providing me with lessons to bring to college with me, have never exposed me to as varied lifestyles as this sociology class.</p>

<p>watch your subject verb agreement. your verb should be has, because your subject is My schedule…i.e., My schedule has, not my AP and honors classes have…</p>

<p>hey now… bump!</p>