<p>I agree a gift is something one can do what one pleases, though, yes, there are gifts that come with some strings attached to them. Don’t want the strings, give back the gift or insult the giver. Some strings are very understandable. If Aunt Jen gives you $5K grad gift with the understanding it goes towards college, and finds out that you used the money to throw the party of the year and with free tats and piercings for everyone, I don’t think you’ll be getting that kind of gift from her again. I also think that it’s a tacky thing to do. You use some common sense. If you a monetary gift and get caught buying drugs the next week, yeah, you are spitting in the giver’s face. </p>
<p>The same thing when you borrow money. Not a good move to have a crab feast and gala sweet sixteen and buy a new car when you’ve just borrowed money from a relative crying poor. Not smart at all.</p>
<p>I give rather generously to the nieces, and my kids, but if any of them are using the money in ways that I don’t like them to do, they get something else. It’s my perogative as a gift giver, and I’ll tell them if they ask. THey can certainly do without, at least the ones who are not my kids can, as the amount are not that much, but yes, it can make a difference. </p>
<p>I also will not give away or throw out gifts, though it is my perogative to do so. I think it’s rude to that. I’ve made room in my house and life for gifts that would not be my choice to buy, and that i’ve not cared for or even disliked. Unless it is something against some core belief, I would not want to hurt the giver’s feelings. I 've had a numberless clock on my wall that was wedding gift that I never cared for and that I’ve cursed many a time, but it reminds me of someone dear and now gone. I’m glad I did not get rid of it and that the person saw it was displayed before he died. Yes, a small pleasure, but a sweet one and not the ugly part of gift giving at all in making the giver feel good. </p>
<p>So yes, when you give a gift, you give up your rights as to what is done with it. But you certainly can remember what was done with it and keep it in mind for future gifts. </p>
<p>My neighbor is dealing with some terribly hurt feelings with her children. Her mother left varying amounts to the grandchildren in the will, and basically because she did not approve of some life styles, really zinged some of them. Badly. When you want to flaunt something, and yes, there was the flaunting involved, you can end up paying. </p>
<p>All of this is common sense. There are outliers on each end of the spectrum. YOu should not be living your life for gifts and approval, but you have to also understand that there some consequences to some decisions and use discretion. We are not talking absolutes here. </p>
<p>But, yes, I do give gifts with some recognition to how prior gifts were used, and yes, it can make a difference to some people.</p>
Eons ago we gave her money so she could start her own practice. Although we did not attach any strings to the money, we were confident that she would not spend it on a new car or a lavish vacation. She is now a successful business owner, and when she tried to repay us, we refused to take the money - her D was starting college and that sum paid a nice chunk of her tuition.</p>