Please give me feedback on my portfolio for NYU 's school of dramatic writing

Colleges & Universities New York University
1

I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but lately I’ve been going through an existential crisis of some sort, in the sense that I believe that I lack any necessary skills to be an original writer.
For my portfolio, I wrote this short screenplay. Please give it a read and give me your HONEST opinion on it, but also take into account that there is a real person behind this work ( so basically don’t rip my heart out and tear me to shreads). This was written in a day, and is very much so a work in progress; please ignore my grammatical errors. I wrote it on Adobe Story, but it won’t allow me to share it, so this is the best I can do.

In summary, just tell me if there is any hope for 1. my career as a writer 2. possible acceptance into NYU, based on this short screenplay (yes, I am aware that I have to send in 2-3 more pieces).

THE COMPOSTITION OF A PROSED SUICIDE NOTE

InT. bedroom- dusk

A teenage boy bursts into a dimly lit studio apartment, paces back and forth while neurotically running his fingers through his hair.

He abruptly sits at a desk.

After spending several minutes staring at a blank wall, BRETT erratically grabs at a stack of paper and begins writing.

                         Brett

                        (Begins writing)

            To whom it may concern. 

                        (crumples the paper)

            It's too egotistical to assume that my current situation will be much of a concern to anybody.

                        BRETT

                        (Grabs a new sheet of paper)

            "Dearly Beloved." That's good right? I mean, I don't consider anyone to be necessarily dear to me, but it's a start. 

                        BreTT

            Dearly Beloved, I am sorry I deem it necessary to off myself, but in my defence, you are all shit heads who couldn't care less about my well being, therefore it really isn't your say on whether or not I decide to take my own life.

                        (stands up abruptly)

            This won't work either, people have always complained about my sarcasm and excessive snarkyness

                        (Pauses before repeating the word)

            Snarky.

Begin flashback:

Int. dining hall- noon

A tall, middle-aged women stands upright, glaring at BRETT.

Due to her liberal use of plastic surgery and cosmetics, the woman has a prettiness that is anything but authentic.

                        Brett

                        (Sarcastically)

            Anything I can help you with, Mother Dearest?

                        Brett's Mother

                        (furiously)

            I asked you to do one thing for me. I asked you to put on a nice sport coat, sit down, and not completely humiliate me during brunch. Clearly it was wishful thinking that led me to believe that you would follow those simple commands.

                        BRETT

            I wouldn't go as far as to say I humiliated you.

                        BrETT'S MOTHER

            You told Mrs. Greyson that she had a mustache thicker than a Bolivian Guerilla soldier.

                        BRETT

                        (nonchalantly)

            Probably not my best choice of words. Her mustache definitely is more middle eastern.

                        BrETT'S MOTHER

            You are a selfish, sad, snarky excuse of a son. 

                        BrETT

            Ouch.

                        BreTT'S MOTHER

            I am sick and tired of having to apologize to my friends on your behalf

                        BrETT

            Is that all?

                        BreTT'S MOTHER

            I am tired of having to feel embarrassed every time I walk into public with you!

                        BrETT

            I should hope so.

                        BreTT'S MOTHER

            I'm tired of the way you dress. Your wardrobe consists of stained rags.

                        BreTT

            Feel free to stop at any moment now.

                        BrETT'S MOTHER

            I'm tired of having to compare you to my friend's children.

                        BrETT

            That's enought, I get your point.

                        BrETT'S MOTHER

            I am so tired of being your mother.



                        BrETT

            Tired! Tired! Tired! You are not tired because of me, you are tired because of Ambiem, Xanax, Valium, and wine, more commonly known to you as breakfast. You are tired because you have a husband that spends more time with his secretary than you. Stop using me as a fuckin' excuse for your empty existence.



                        BrETT'S MOTHER

            You have no right to speak to me that way.

                        BrETT

            No right? Maybe if you acted like an actual mother to me, actually raised me, than maybe, just maybe I wouldn't have the right to speak to you like that. You did none of those things, you let a maid be more of a mother figure to me than my actual mom! You care more about your fleeting sense of a social life than me. Fuck you and your bourgeois lifestyle.

                        BrETT'S MOTHER

                        (Devastated)

            I want you out of my house by tonight. I will give you money for an apartment, but I do not want to see your face here for a long, long time.

                        BreTT

            Trust me, the feeling is mutual.

END FLASHBACK.

                        BreTT

            I'll tone down the snarkyness just a bit. I guess I owe her that much.

                        BrETT

                        (starts over)

            Dearly Beloved, by the time you are reading this, I will most likely be hanging from a ceiling fan, or covering the persian rug with body fluids, most likely blood, but you shouldn't completely rule out urine, due to the frightening circumstances of suicide. It is actually quite common to lose bladder control upon death.

                        (tears the piece of paper in half)

            It shouldn't be this hard to be genuine. Why can't I do this, Why can't I take even my fuckin' death seriously.

Begin FLASHBACK:

Ext. liqour store- noon

Brett is pacing back and forth on a grungy street, in a low rent part of town. He stops as he sees a familiar face approaching him.

                        Jessica

            I got your calls. So the wicked witch of west Manhattan finally kicked you out?

JESSICA is a teenaged girl with tired features, that oddly come together to form a beautiful, structured facial appearence.

                        BrETT

            Yeah, yeah. But listen, i'm better off anyway. I'm free, ya' know? No more regulations from the bitch queen.

                        JeSSICA

            So what did you do this time?

                        BreTT

                        (irritated)

            What the fuck do you mean?



                        JeSSICA

            I just mean that you usually do something that initiates your mom into a rant.

                        BrETT

            Of course you're taking her side. Of-fucking course.

                        JessICA

            What the hell are you talking about? Who ever said that I was taking her side? I was just stating the facts.

                        BrETT

            How could you possibly even know the facts. You don't understand what I have to go through on a daily basis.
2 
                        JeSSICA

            Stop throwing yourself a pity party. 

                        (sarcastically)

            It must of been hard growing up with so many maids, cooks, nannies, and limo drivers that your house is practically a UN humans right violation .

                        BreTT

            Isn't it hilarious how you can make fun  of me for my money, to impress your wannabe hipster friends, but when you don't have any cash to pay off your drug dealer you come running  to me.

                        JesSICA

            This right here is exactly why you don't have much friends left.

                        BreTT

            I don't have friends because I actually choose to remain a genuine person, rather than sell myself out just to impress a bunch of idiotic twats.

                        JeSSICA

            You use your mom's money to buy clothes at thrift shops, just to hide the fact that you're a spoiled, priveledged brat. You really think you're a genuine person? Tell me you don't believe the shit that's coming outta your mouth right now. 

                        BreTT

            I don't snort copious amounts of blow, just to hang with a buncha shitty artists. Too bad I can't say the same thing for you.

                        JesSICA

            Fuck you!

                        BreTT

            Or get gangbanged by some poets in Brooklyn.

                        JeSSICA

            Shu-

                        BreTT

            Or let my stepdad beat the shit out of me.

                        JesSICA

                        (sillent)

                        BreTT

            Shit Jessica, i'm sorry. I didn't mean that, you know that right? I would nev-



                        JESSICA

            Leave me alone.

                        BreTT

            Jessica wait.

A sobbing Jessica runs off, leaving Brett alone; both literally and emotionally.

END FLASHBACK.

Suddenly breaking from his trance, Brett starts pacing back and forth in his room at a feverish pace

                        BRETT

            I messed up I really did,  I get that now. I don't want to do this, kill myself, but I don't want to be alone. I just need someone right now, someone who cares enough to talk me out of this, that's all I want; someone to care enough to ask me not do go through with this.

The rain begins to pour at an alarming rate.

                        BRETT

            I need to get out of here.

Brett exits his apartment.

Ext. a street- midnight

Brett can be seen walking down a rain soaked street, in an obscure part of New York.

Worn out and exhausted, Brett takes refuge under a street light, before noticing a HOMELESS MAN has had the same idea as him.

                        Homeless man

            Taka a swig buddy.

The Homeless Man shoves an unidentifiable bottle of liquor into Brett’s face.

                        BrETT

            Thanks, but no thanks.

                        HoMELESS MAN

            Ya don look sah good buddy.

                        Brett

            I don't feel so good either.

                        HoMELESS MAN

            Personally, when I feel blue, I just drink.

                        (Takes a drink)

            What the doc prescribed.

                        BreTT

            Probably not the healthiest method of treatment.

                        HoMELESS MAN

            Oh yeah mister wise guy? Cordin' ta who?

                        BrETT

            Science, and um everybody.

                        HOMELESS MAN

            Well I don care bout science or anybody else's opinion for that matta.

                        BRETT

            You have to care.

                        HoMELESS MAN

            And why is that?

                        BrETT

            Because, well, you just do. How else do you know who you are as a person?

                        HomELESS MAN

            From myself.

                        BRETT

            So you're suggesting that, as humans, we don't need anyone else to be happy. That satisfaction comes from within?

                        HoMELESS MAN

            I gue-

                        BrETT

            By that same philosophy you are suggesting that individuality isn't based on whether or not others find you genuine, but if you find yourself genuine.

                        HoMELESS MAN

            What in the hell are ya talkin' bout?

                        BrETT

            So my lack of genuine emotions is really just my own form  authenticity. And not only that, I don't need anyone to verify my happiness, If I want to off myself, it should be because of my own feelings, not because of my lack of caring friends or family. You're a genius! You practically saved my life, and that is worth drinking to.

Reaches for the Homeless Man’s bottle before realizing that he has been asleep during Brett’s epiphany.

Brett begins walking back to his apartment.

3

Evidentially Adobe does not transfer well LOL, so please pay no mind to the excessive use of caps. If anyone actually reads through this mess, than thanks. I really just want to know, if there is even a glimmer of potential in my writing

4

I’m a writer as well! I really love writing scripts, and recently just wrote a short script for a competition I’m entering. I think that you really have to focus on the format of how to write a script, because you seem to be lacking in that very much. Also, it would help to plan out the story well before beginning to write it. It’ll make things easier and the story more structured and understandable.
Good luck! :slight_smile: :x

5

@Arsey9 thanks for the feedback! This was originally in the format of a screenplay (scene headings, actions, characters, dialog) with the correct margin spacing, but i was unable to share the screenplay, so I just copied and pasted, and it turned out like this

6

I’ll read this properly in a second, but it would really be a good idea to NOT post your portfolio work on a public board for anyone to steal.

7

I thought about it, and I don’t intend to come off as self-mutalitive, but this is definitely not a work worthy of stealing @bodangles

8

It’s too egotistical to assume that my current situation will be much of a concern to anybody.
^ Teenagers talk like this?

defence
^ In America it’s “defense,” though it’s your call on whether you should change your non-American habits to apply to American writing schools.

This won’t work either, people have always complained about my sarcasm and excessive snarkyness
^ Comma splice. Also, I’d go with *snarkiness to mimic existing words like happiness (though neither y nor i spelling is actually a word).

A tall, middle-aged women
^ *woman

Her mustache definitely is more middle eastern.
^ *Middle Eastern

That’s enought,
^ *enough

bourgeois lifestyle
^ Do you really mean middle class? He’s making fun of her for being MIDDLE CLASS??

the persian rug with body fluids
^ *Persian, *bodily

Why can’t I do this, Why can’t I take even my — death seriously.
^ Why is the second “why” capitalized? And a question needs a question mark at the end.

So the wicked witch of west Manhattan
^ I’d capitalize: So the Wicked Witch of West Manhattan

JESSICA is a teenaged girl with tired features, that oddly come together to form a beautiful, structured facial appearence.
^ What does this mean?? Also, *appearance.

that initiates your mom into a rant.
^ That’s not quite how “initiate” is used…I think you want something more like “provokes”?

9

How could you possibly even know the facts.
^ This is a question that needs a question mark.

It must of been hard growing up with so many maids, cooks, nannies, and limo drivers that your house is practically a UN humans right violation .
^ *must have, *human rights, *violation.

you don’t have much friends left.
^ *many friends left

priveledged brat.
^ *privileged

Shu-
^ Hyphens are not em dashes. Research the difference between the two.

(sillent)
^ *silent
Also, I don’t do screenwriting, but should you be putting in more stage direction than (silent)? Facial expressions, gestures, some movement? Are they just standing there speaking to each other neutrally?

Jessica wait.
^ *Jessica, wait.

leaving Brett alone; both literally and emotionally.
^ Semicolon not needed.

to ask me not do go through with this.
^ *not to go

Taka a swig buddy.
^ *Take, *swig, buddy
Where did he meet this homeless man?? What happened in the interim? Was this guy standing in the hall outside the door to his apartment??

Science, and um everybody.
^ *Science. And, um, everybody.

So you’re suggesting that, as humans, we don’t need anyone else to be happy. That satisfaction comes from within?
^ Again–teenagers talk like this?

is really just my own form authenticity.
^ *form of authenticity

And not only that, I don’t need anyone to verify my happiness, If I want to off myself,
^ *happiness. If I

Reaches for the Homeless Man’s bottle before realizing that he has been asleep
^ He fell asleep in five short sentences?

Brett begins walking back to his apartment.
^ And what?? I’m picturing all of this said with zero emotion if you don’t specify it.

Overall: it’s difficult to assess your writing skills if you hand us an unedited draft. Who knows how many mistakes you could have caught yourself? ALWAYS edit your work yourself before showing it to other people. Otherwise, we judge you based on first-draft roughness (for example, “could of” vs “could have” isn’t quite as egregious of an error if you catch it yourself and fix it first). Even simple things like capitalizing the names before their lines is erratic. What is up with “BrETT,” “BReTT,” and “Brett”???

Anyway. You clearly have a creative vision, which is the first step! However (and this may just be an inherent drawback of screenwriting, with which I am mostly unfamiliar) it’s a lot of talking and not much description. You started out with some description of how they’re saying their lines, but that fell by the wayside toward the end.

Maybe I wouldn’t mind that so much if I believed more of the dialogue, though. How old is Brett? He’s a teenager that speaks like this? His vulgarity in the exchange with Jessica seems at odds with his usual overly formal diction.

10

@bodangles Thank you so much for helping! I’ll correct these errrors. I wrote this in a day lol but I was shocked at all the gramatical mistakes I made

11

In response to your question about stage direction, no I don’t believe I should. That part is for the actors to decide. The screenplay is esssentially the framework.

12

Ran out of editing time ;( Here’s the last bit:

In the end, most of that is easily fixable in a second draft. Much of it probably already would be fixed, had you taken a red pen to it yourself. Thematically, however, once all of that is done? I feel like the ending might be supposed to be heartwarming, or something. But I, as a reader, dislike Brett so thoroughly that I can’t summon any type of happiness that he’s had this epiphany. (“You’re going to continue being a jerk? Congrats?”) If I were editing, I would examine a) who Brett is as a character; b) how you want to convey that, perhaps by lengthening the piece a bit and showing some of the “good side” I’m sure he must be hiding somewhere; and c) how to draw emotion about this transformation from the reader.

Congrats on your solid first draft, and also for having the courage to post it here. You clearly have writing talent and good ideas! I hope you don’t think any of my feedback is too harsh. Always remember, if you do, that people who think your work is beyond saving won’t write long comments critiquing it. They’ll leave something like “This sucks”; they won’t take the time, because they don’t think it’s worth it. Anyone who gives long, detailed feedback believes that your work has potential–enough that they will spend their time helping you improve it.

In the future, I would only post that you are looking for editors, and then private-message the actual draft to the people who respond. That way, your valuable work isn’t on this public message board for the rest of humanity to see, copy, or steal. People say the Internet is forever, and if that’s true, then CC is forever and a day, because they don’t delete things here. Ever. :stuck_out_tongue:

13

@bodangles you weren’t to harsh at all. You’re feedback is quite possibly the most valuable i’ve ever gotten, most of the time when friends or family read my work, they simply respond by saying “this is good” and leave it at that.