Please grade my essay, be honest

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

Please grade my essay out of 12(SAT STYLE) ,reading it again I already see a lot of missing commas and miss-spelling and miss-conjugating ,but I won´t change it to see the reality…My biggest question besides the grade is how could I improve ?specially the conclusion that I feel like is the worst of it…Are my examples good?Would it change my grade if I add it what is after the slash bar?”/”Done it in 25 min,i think that if was 30 i would have done a better conclusion and corrected some mistakes ,any tip on time?

Prompt: Is it important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority?

One of the most important things in democracy is the right to question the authorities decision, and it must be exerted .As shown by history, when the king of France totally forgot his people´s needs and did not helped at all was this right to defy, to question that prevented the death of many, when you lose this primordial right you are not in a democracy just as happened in many Latin American countries ,Da Vinci´s inventions were a continuous form of questioning what was established as possible by everyone.
The ultimate proof of freedom was shown by french people when tired of being forgotten by the authorities they decided to question rules and laws ,this way saving their lives and freedom .even hungry, establishing what democracy .If they had not stood up against injustice that ruled their time we would not have many democratic ideals to which we owe so much, our life-style, our freedom of thinking.
In the other hand, when many forget about their rights and do not question as much as they should, they might become dictated just as happened in many countries in Africa and Latin America. This would not have occurred if their questioning was more frequent.
In old times there was a rule that was treated as law that you should not argue with the keepers of knowledge, priests and authorities, but Da Vinci argued a lot and that made him become what he is known for, one of the greatest inventors of all times.
As shown by history and inventors through humanity the power ,right, need to question is the most important thing in democracy, it defines what democracy is./With out it we would not be able to have accomplished what we did.

*That was my second essay sat style, too bad? can I improve to a double digit?, I have until june 6.Thanks 

2

Unfortunately, this is true to the point that the essay becomes difficult to read.

Aside from grammar, there are several words you should avoid in a formal essay:

  1. "things" - this is too vague and informal
  2. "totally" - too informal, either replace with "completely" or another adverb, or omit it, unless you are referring to totally ordered sets.
  3. "you" or "we" - simply don't use these words in formal writing (unless directly quoting someone)
  4. "they" - this word is not always bad in a formal essay, but you used the word "they" a lot, and it is sometimes not clear what "they" is referring to.
  5. "a lot" - also informal; you can replace this with a good adverb

Your examples make little sense. In what way(s) do “Da Vinci’s inventions” continuously question authority, and how are they important?

Could you be a little more specific? Even if it’s BS?

“Without.” Definitely replace “it” (does “it” refer to democracy or the right/need to question?), and don’t use “we.”

I am not an expert on the SAT essay, but according to the SAT Essay Scoring guide (on the CB website), this essay will very likely receive a 4/12.

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when i wrote it again to post i forgot more commas and more miss-typing…sry but thanks.Any sugestions to substitute we/ you?

4

Replace with third-person pronouns or other nouns. In general, don’t use first- or second-person pronouns in a formal essay (unless directly quoting someone), and be careful with using third-person pronouns - only use them when they clearly refer to something, to avoid ambiguity.

Examples:
When the citizens lose this primordial right, they are not…
…treated as law that one should not argue…
Without this right, humanity… (or, “the French”, for example)