Please grade my essay; is it awkward?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Is the second sentence awkward and is the second paragraph’s opening draggy?</p>

<p>Assignment: Is the world changing for the better? </p>

<pre><code>Ever since the beginning of the eighteenth century, change is the world has been conspicuous and even overwhelming. Although some say that change has made the society feel rushed and stressed, change, on contrary, has helped the world become a better, more livable place. Since the eighteenth century, both changes in the society and technology have helped improved our lives.

“It is getting dark, please turn on the light” is something you might hear daily as the sun begins to set. However, it wasn’t almost until the nineteenth century that we had the privilege to reach out for the switch to switch on the light. Before Thomas Edison’s invention of the light bulb, the only source of artificial light was from burning candles, which was not only tedious but also a fire hazard. Only after then innovation of the light bulb in 1879 were we able to enjoy convenient lighting that was much safer than burning candles. Today, light bulbs have become so affordable that some journalists joke that only the rich will burn candles.

The Montgomery Bus Boycott has also brought about great change to the society. The reason why Black citizens can roam about the streets freely today is because of the change made possible by the combine effort of Rosa Parks, an African-American Civil Rights Activist and Martin Luther King, Jr. a Leader in the African-American Civil Rights Movement. Together, they fought to abolish the unfair laws that segregated Whites from Blacks and laws which prohibited Blacks from certain areas of the town. We can see how the changes helped by these two remarkable individuals have helped society become a safer and happier place.

Lastly, the innovation of computers and smartphones has helped us live our lives more comfortably. Unlike people before us, we are just a phone call away from ordering a scrumptious meal when we don’t feel like going to a restaurant. In addition, we can contact our friends in any part of the world through email and internet chat without having to lay a foot out of our houses.

From these exampless that show us how change has improved our lives so drastically and made the world a better place, it is impossible for anyone to deny how much better our lives are compared to those of our parents and people before us.
</code></pre>

2

<p>The second sentence is a bit awkward. What I recommend, is maybe switching the first and the second sentences, to make it flow a bit better. Or you could start with the second sentence and then develop your view from there.
Also, I think the opening of the second paragraph is a bit weird. Going from the end of the first paragraph to the beginning of the second is a very awkard. Instead of starting with that quote, you could start with something like… "Ever since antiquity, the Earth was veiled in darkness, with only the sun providing light enough to work and live. People lived off the sun. They woke up when it rose, and slept when it set. It created their schedule, it ruled their lives. But then, a revolutionary invention was created, the lightbulb, which created many changes in the world, all for the better… etc.</p>

<p>Also, I feel that your essay only really explains the innovations that make society now better, and it does not really show how those innovations changed the world for the better. For example, you say how the Montgomery Bus Boycott gave black rights. You say that it changed society, but you never said how. At the end of that paragraph, you easily could have said “Because blacks have gained civil rights, they have a much greater impact on the world. We have a black president, and many inventions and innovations have been created by black individuals, only because they have a new voice in society, only because of the Civil Rights Movement. Only because the world is changing for the better.”<br>
It would connect much better to your thesis, and make your essay overall, much better.</p>

3

<p>My suggestion is to include more exciting verbs.</p>

4

<p>Also I don’t think you’re completely grasping the entire question. You are only explaining things are happening in the United States vs “world”. To talk about the world you could explain how to relations between the US and other international countries have improved. China free trade market has improved, the relationship with Russia from the Cold War has improved etc. You can also talk about the overall technology from Sputnik to Neil Armstrong etc. But that’s only few things. If you don’t think the world has improved for the better you could talk about the Korean conflicts or Middle Eastern conflicts and the like. But there are many other things to talk about since you are talking about the “world.”</p>