Please grade my ESSAY! struggle vs accomplishment

<p>hi! I would be really grateful if you could help me grade this essay. and if you could, write down how could I improve it. just note down everything hat comes to your minds</p>

<p>What is more important the struggle endured to achieve success or the accomplishment itself?</p>

<p>While accomplishment is an object of general desire, the struggle endured to achieve it is as or even more important to a human life. Hard work to overcome the obstacles is always admired by others. Apart from that, a true
value of an achievement is fully appreciated only when a lot of effort and devotion were put to obtain it. Furthermore, sometimes even if the accomplishment is not attained, the work one has done and the effort one has put can bring unexpected results that are even more valuable than the primary goal.</p>

<p>The idea that it is not the result that matters, but the struggle endured is best exemplified by the attitude of Para Olympic athletes. Their battle to oppose the fate despite the physical limitations is revered by thousands of people. It is not important that a disabled person could never break a world record; he or she is respected for their determination and persistence. The same could be said about Dalai Lama, the Tibetan leader who has dedicated his entire life to obtain more liberty and privilege for his compatriots. Although Tibet has not yet gained independence, his contribution is appreciated by the whole world.</p>

<p>However, not only does the struggle buttress a person’s public image, but it also has a meaning to each individual. An often cited classical illustration is the myth about Sisyphus. A shrewd king of Corinth had once enraged the powerful Gods of Olympus, who decided to send him to Hades, the Kingdom of Death, where he supposed to roll a massive stone to the top of a mountain. However, Sisyphus could never accomplish his task. Whenever he was close to the peak, the rock would fall down the slope. Cursed to this incessant struggle, the offender nevertheless did not cease trying. The work he had to struggle with gave him hope and strength. Unbidden outcome of the punishment, not foreseen by the Gods, had endowed Sisyphus the most important of all – the freedom of mind. What should also be mentioned is the story of Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes, especially his fight with imagined monsters - the windmills. Although the behavior of this romantic knight seems quite irrational and ludicrous, the battle against those giants had transformed his life. The passion and vigor he gained are worth more than any kind of satisfaction involved with completing some of the most practical accomplishments.</p>

<p>Even in the field of technology the struggle is sometimes more important than the accomplishment itself. Consider the biotechnology research in gene-therapy. While the efforts of the scientists to clone the human organs in the body of animals seem at least outrageous, their work might produce often unexpected discoveries which most probably would advance our knowledge and introduce some revolutionary applications. Even if the goal is not achieved, constant attempts could bring even more benefits.
In other words, struggle could be as or even more rewarding than the accomplishment itself. It is important not to stop trying when the success seems impossible. If we do not lose our faith the pursuit will prove worth our efforts.</p>

<p>Is this an essay for one of your college applications? The writing is good but the essay doesn’t say or reveal anything about you or your personality. Getting to know you is the main purpose of the application essay. Can you think of examples that would relate to something that has happened in your life?</p>

<p>no its sat essay… i was just wondering how would it score on the real exam</p>

<p>I’d say an 8. With a little luck - maybe even 9</p>

<p>Sorry. I was just browsing new posts and didn’t look at the forum. I’m sure College Board doesn’t want to get to know you (don’t they spend like 10 seconds reading each essay) so please disregard my comments.</p>

<p>LESS WHEELCHAIRS, MOAR FARMS</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/457580-proof-sat-essays-prove-nothing.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/457580-proof-sat-essays-prove-nothing.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>i dont know how to grade, but here’s some points</p>

<p>Pros
-good examples</p>

<p>Cons
-kinda stilted writing, ur “points” are very similar??</p>

<p>=D i think it would be more than an 8</p>

<p>thanks guys :slight_smile: for answer
and Narcissa, about those points, what I have omitted? can you suggest sth I can add?</p>

<ol>
<li> But you need to actually answer/prove your thesis. It’s good and the examples are great.<br></li>
</ol>

<p>Make sure that thesis is proven in the essay. If you had, I think you would have a much higher score. Oh and make the conclusion separate from the other paragraph–and make it a more summary-ish. Right now, it just seems like you ran out of time and just stuck those last couple sentences on the paragraph you were on.</p>