Please Grade My Essay

<p>Assignment:
Do small decisions often have major consequences? </p>

<p>An African axiom states, "A missing stone and the buildingi crumbles." Indeed, a small decision can often prove vital, and the consequences are often major. As Victor Frankenstein, the astronauts on a space mission, and a resident of Cuyahoga County can all attest, small decisions often produce major consequences.</p>

<p>When Victor Frankenstein nonchalantly picked up a book while on va cation in the Alps at the age of sixteen, he soon discovered that this book contained fascinating philosophies. Not realizing that these philosophies were antiquated, he pursued them. for the next few years. Even though deciding to read the book with obsolete ideas was a small decision, it had major consequences. Had Frankenstein not decided to read the book, he would've devoted the next few years of his life to something completely different.</p>

<p>Likewise, the astronauts on a NASA space mission completely failed based on a small decision. The shuttle flew too close to the surface of the planet in 1974, and as a result it exploded. The cause of this debacle, however, was relatively simple. Instead of using the metric system in their calculations, the team used the system ubiquitous in the United States. Thus, the calculations were off. Again, the team of aeronautical engineers made the small decision to use feet instead of meters, not realizing that their small decision would lead to the loss of 13.7 billion dollars and a shuttle crashing. Once again, a small decision had a major consequence. Had the team made the small decision to use the metric system instead, this disaster would've been circumvented.</p>

<p>Furthermore, Monica Garcia's small decision to take Brecksville Road instead of her usual route proved fatal. Although she normally took the highway, that day she decided to take a detour. What seemed to be a small decision led to a fatal crash as a drunk driver coming down the opposite lane crashed head-on, killing her. Again, a small decision led to death - a major consequence.</p>

<p>In conclusion, as Frankenstein, the astronauts, and Monica Garcia all attested, small decisions have major consequences. </p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

<p>Big,
I'm not an expert at predicting scores, but you'd probably get an 8. You have some things working against you, though, that might hurt your score further. The good news is you can fix these issues fairly easily. </p>

<ol>
<li>Make your introduction and conclusion longer. You need one more sentence in your intro. Just elaborate on your second sentence: </li>
</ol>

<p>"Indeed, a small decision can often prove vital, and the consequences are often major."</p>

<p>Maybe something such as "Many decisions that seemed unimportant at the time came back to mean the difference between life and death." </p>

<p>It's a bit melodramatic, but that's where your essay goes, so you might as well ride it. Also your conclusion should be at least two sentences. </p>

<ol>
<li><p>Vary your sentence length. Put in a couple very short sentences. The graders are looking for variations in sentence length, so make sure you give it to them. </p></li>
<li><p>Be more specific in your body paragraphs. Your body paragraphs are vague, and as a result they're not convincing. I would only include two examples and make each body paragraph longer and more detailed. What did Victor Frankenstein read that changed his life? What did he do with that knowledge? Don't assume the reader knows. </p></li>
<li><p>Watch your tone.
I don't know how you are in real life, but in this essay, you come across as unsympathetic to the loss of life. Someone who's lost someone to a car accident is going to be put off by your third body paragraph. I'd also avoid describing anything tragic as having "completely failed," as you do in your second body paragraph. Fail has come to have a snarky connotation, so when you use it to describe a tragedy, it reads like you're mocking it. </p></li>
</ol>

<p>I hope this advice helps. You're not far from a good essay, you're just doing a couple things to hold down your score. Keep practicing and good luck!</p>

<p>big,</p>

<p>This essay would receive a 9. I'm afraid your body paragraphs are heavily underdeveloped. You CANNOT be ambiguous in your examples. Your Frankenstein example is a perfect example. You need to go in depth, you can't simply say he picked up a book...small actions have consequences. You must SAY how that one book and those philosophies made him pursue science that is taboo; creating life. You then must state the consequences, the monster destroyed etc. I'm afraid your under developed paragraphs hindered your score greatly. You need to work on writing MORE and LINKING back to your thesis. You must constantly be showing how each detail and part of an example links and supports your ARGUMENT. </p>

<p>Your Intro is awesome, and I see a lot of SAT vocabulary which makes me very happy =)! I suggest you re-write these body paragraphs and really develop them. If you want, post them and you'll get feedback on if they're appropriate or not. Also, I suggest you sit down and perhaps write a few body paragraphs for practice prompts. Don't jump in full force and write a full SAT essay in 25 minutes. Baby steps my friend. In 25 minutes work on 3 BIG, DEVELOPED, and PERFECT body paragraphs. By doing this exercise you'll become a better (and faster) writer, and you'll still be exposing yourself to SAT essay prompts so you'll get awesome SAT essay practice.</p>

<p>~Aceventura74</p>

<p>Thank you PrestigePrep and Aceventura74! I've tried rewriting the three main body paragraphs, so if someone could give me feedback on that I would greatly appreciate it. Also, is there any disadvantage to writing two body paragraphs instead of three? I'm thinking that it might give me more space and time to develop them more, but I don't know if that would be looked down upon by the graders. </p>

<p>When Victor Frankenstein nonchalantly picked up a book while on vacation in the Alps at the age of sixteen, he soon discovered that this book contained fascinating philosophies. Not realizing that these philosophies were antiquated, he pursued them for the next few years. Even though deciding to read the book with obsolete ideas was a small decision, it had major consequences. Eventually, he would successfully bring life into a horrifyingly ugly fiend. This fiend would then murder many of Frankenstein's innocent loved ones. This caused Frankenstein to suffer miserably for the rest of his life. Had he not made the small decision to pick up the book, Frankenstein would not have lost his family and friends and died full of remorse, a major consequence. </p>

<p>Likewise, the aeronautical engineers lost a valuable spacecraft because of a seemingly small decision. The spacecraft flew too close to the surface of Mars in 1974. Consequently, it exploded. The cause of this debacle, however, was relatively simple. Instead of using the metric system in their calculations, the team used the system ubiquitous in the United States. Thus, the calculations were off. Because the team of aeronautical engineers made the small decision to use feet instead of meters, they would lose a spacecraft worth 13.7 billion dollars as well as valuable scientific information that would've otherwise been obtained from the mission. Once again, a small decision had a major consequence. Had the team made the small decision to use the metric system instead, this disaster would've been circumvented.</p>

<p>Furthermore, Monica Garcia's small decision to take Brecksville Road instead of her usual route proved fatal. Although she normally took the highway, that day she decided on the spur of a moment to take a detour because she needed to buy some milk. What seemed to be a small decision led to a fatal crash as a drunk driver coming down the opposite lane crashed head-on, tragically taking both drivers' lives immediately. Monica most likely never considered the major consequences that would result from her minor decision to take a detour. Once more, a small decision led to death and grief - a major consequence.</p>

<p>I'm not very good at scoring grades for SAT essay but I am qualified
to voice out my opinions regarding the essence of your essay and the
particulars of your essay itself without completely focusing on what
the SAT says.</p>

<p>From what I've read, you've developed your body paragraphs more
thoroughly. You honed in your examples in a way that makes your first
body paragraphs look like they were written from the spur of the
moment. (I understand SAT essay is improv basically since you have no
prep besides that usual 5 min most people do, but the SAT Essay
graders don't really want essays that are based from the spur of the
moment-cuz really that's not a good essay. They're looking for essays
that are well developed and given some time to think about it
logically- although in actuality you aren't- do I make sense?) Anyway,
you did just that by developing your body paragraphs into more
effective examples that points to your thesis well.</p>

<p>Like the first person said, your second paragraph is a little out of
touch. I think she used the word melancholy, I'm not sure, but I think
this essay would do a lot better being more empathic to its readers
rather than just give an anecdote and explain how it fits to the
consequences. Stress the insignificant or small decision and stress
the unpredicted consequences or conclusions of that small decision and
that would make your essay more powerful and effective.</p>

<p>Now a little picky comment. I generally don't just use one word
transitions. Likewise, furthermore, nonetheless, instead, therefore...
words like that, to me, just don't adequately transition from one word
to another. For me, I chose some multiple words transitions that I
really liked before the test (things like as you can see, what you
have just read is, or continuing the portrayal of how small affects
big, stuff like that. I personally like as you can see, but that's
only on certain essays.</p>

<p>Like the others before me, you need to work on your introduction and
conclusion. A perfectly good (12) essay almost always has a developed
introduction intended to link (so I guess you can see it's not fully
developed in a sense) and a complete conclusion. Both should be
approximately 3-5 sentences if you can make it. My intros are usually
7 sentences, conclusion about 5-6 sentences, and body paragraph (I
like one example since I can develop it into a more critical and
analytical example that hones in to the thesis) about 2/3 of a page. I
write fast so I'm not sure about you but I find that this amount of
section per paragraph is good enough for me. And usually I will finish
about 2-3 minutes before the 25 minutes is up.</p>

<p>To have a good intro: (This is from a paper I found that's legit)
1. Pivot (express a common belief or something like and say yet,
however, or provide your own opinion without giving your thesis)
2. Link
3. Thesis
4. Path (This is where I use as you will soon see, find out, discover, or read)</p>

<p>Good Conclusion:
1. Counterarguments (you'll need this and something else because if
you use just counterarguments it will end abruptly. Also this is quite
time consuming and you ahve to write more than needed so I use this
only when i have a clear counterargument and a rebuttal for it).
2. Put into motion (encourage people to do something)
3. State the consequences if not performed or if performed (so good or
bad consequences)
4. Advantages and/or disadvantages</p>

<p>And then like half a sentence to a sentence to end it nicely.</p>

<p>I just started this but I'm finding out I really like it so maybe you will too. It won't hurt to try. Try this with another essay and post that one up and see what others say about it. :)</p>

<p>Oh Go to GenericMath How to get a 12 on essay or something like that on the first page of SAT Prep forum. I wrote a little more detailed there since I didn't have anything to critique.</p>

<p>Big,</p>

<p>The re-write is pretty good. On your second body paragraph (NASA example), you should get to the point quicker; rule of thumb is halfway through a body (if not before) you want to state how the example links to your argument and then start linking. Only at the end did I realize it was feet/metric that was causing the problem. Make sure you get the point as soon as you can; I know its easy to lose sight of under time pressure and spitting out all your great thoughts onto paper. Remember, the SAT essay tests how well you make an ARGUMENT. Overall, definitely improved, keep up the good work!</p>

<p>~Aceventura74</p>