Please grade my essay! :)

<h2>This is from Kaplan's though I think I also saw this exact same test in the BB... maybe. Anyway, I wanted to try posting my essay on the CC out since from what I've seen, most others who did this got some really critiqued posts on their essay. So if you read my post and critiqued it with a grade, thanks! (Kinda funny how my handwriting improved as I continued haha).</h2>

<p>Topic: "Never do today what you can do tomorrow. Something may occur to make you regret your premature action." -Aaron Burr.
Do you agree with Aaron Burr that it's wisest to put things off if you can?</p>


<pre><code> "In a society where time is of supreme essence, we all can acknowledge that there isvery little time in our lives and very few hours in a day. It is common for people to complain that "there are only 24 hours in a day" as they scramble to get things done. As astudent, I can testify that yes, sometimes there just isn't enough hours in a day to do what I need and what I want. Other people, whether they be doctors, moms, or students, can also relate to this. But this sense of being overwhelmed and burdened by the activities in your to-do list is the result of a laziness that has crept up in the global community particularly among the younger generations. For as you will soon see, it is not that we have so few hours in a day, but rather we waste precious time performing activities that do not get things done.

As a rising junior, I have a number of experiences where I can vividly remember the overwhelming feeling of being burdened by a massive essay or project. There were times I felt like giving up because of the overwhelming obstacles that impeded me from finishing my assignment: time, magnitude of project, complexity of essay, or just simple "brain-dead" moments that many people experience once in a while. Unless my teacher was extremely cruel and made the paper due a day after he or she assigned it, you can most likely infer that I procrastinated in my responsibilities as a student. Why? Because, today, procrastination remains as an infamous, integral aspect of teenage-hood. It is absolutely common that there are other kids who also wait until 10:00 that night to finish a 15 page research paper due the next day. How do we procrastinate so much and so often? It is because we are being continually distracted by the more attractive and more fun activities such as sports, video games, books, and food. As a result of us wasting that one to four hours on, let's say, video games, when you calculate the amount of time wasted and the amoutn of time most projects are due, we are actually losing up to dozens of the valuable time we need when we're staying up 'till 2:00 AM to complete the assignment.

As you can see, procrastination can result in negative consequences such as getting a bad grade on an assignment to feeling over burdened and depressed by life, a sense that no high schooler- who is just stepping into the real, adult life- should feel. If we were to do things at a constant rhythm and using those hours to do our work, we'd be saving ourselves a lot of negative consequences that can be prevented. Now I am not perfect; there are times where I "accidentally" procrastinate on assignments. But from my experience, I am happier and more confident in not only my paper but also myself when I do things in their right time."


<p>Aggh! So many mistakes! If I have typos, I didn't make any when I wrote my essay in pen. So what do you think?</p>


<li>I'm afraid you made a key mistake that immediately knocked you out of the double digit scores: you didn't clearly pick an argument. You must CLEARLY PICK A SIDE OF THE ARGUMENT! If you don't, your grade will suffer greatly. So simply affirm or disagree with the prompt :)! Another key issue is your length. I'm not sure, but does this essay take up all the space given on your answer sheet? If not, you MUST fill up the entire space given on your answer sheet. Also, you need a few more examples; if you're a very talented writer, then you can pull off a 12 with one example; for most people it takes about 2 to 3 body paragraphs to do this. I know for me, I personally prefer the 3 body paragraph. Your vocabulary needs to also improve. You need to learn to incorporate SAT vocabulary into your writing if you want to score well on your SAT essays. So: pick an argument, increase the length with more examples, and SAT vocabulary and you'll be set. </li>

<p>I hope I don't come off as too harsh, but there are a few big mistakes (happens to all of us; definitely me [on my first SAT essay I got a 6/12 so I know about BIG MISTAKES]) Your example is appropriate and you should try to keep a personal example always; its a great approach. Try to incorporate a book example also; even thought some books might be cliche, the SAT essay tests how well you can make an ARGUMENT not reiterate facts so you'll be fine. Also, historical figures and events are great examples. There's lots of room for improvement my friend! This essay is definitely going in the right direction, with a few improvements and you'll be set :)! Hope I helped, good luck!</p>


I agree with Aceventura74 in that you don't really answer the question. The question asks "is it wisest to put things off." You don't address that in your thesis and it is going to hurt your score. The rest of your paper could work if you just changed your intro. </p>

<p>I don't agree with Ace that you must clearly pick a side: that's an urban myth of the SAT essay. It's not that you need to definitely pick one side or the other, it's that you must a have strong opinion. That strong opinion can be "sometimes yes, sometimes no" as long as you're convincing. </p>

<p>One of the essays from the Blue Book is "Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, power or fame?"</p>

<p>Are you telling me that if you answered that some people are motivated by conscience and others by money and power, that a grader would mark you off? No way. </p>

<p>I also disagree that you need to use more SAT vocabulary. Use words you feel comfortable using. A grader isn't going to be impressed because you drop the word dichotomy into a sentence that doesn't need it. I've read a lot of essays; it's often obvious when someone is just using a ten-cent word to try to sound smart, and it has the opposite affect. </p>

<p>You don't need to fill up ALL the space on the answer sheet, just get through more than half of the second page and you're fine. </p>

<p>You do, however, need to vary your sentence length. Throw in one two-word and one three-word sentence to mix things up. Graders specifically look for sentence variation, so give them what they want. </p>

<p>You're close to a good score, you just need to make a few changes and make sure your thesis clearly answers the question given, and you're on your way!</p>

<p>Hmmm.. I think that i was concentrating too much on my example that I forgot to concentrate on my intro when I was writing my intro. </p>

<p>And I'm still in the process of memorizing good SAT words so by the official test time, I will hopefully incorporate maybe 4-5 SAT words in my essay. </p>

<p>I don't like to use more than one example. I used to do that but from suggestions from my prep class and after rereading mine and my previous ones that had multiple examples, I find that my examples aren't very developed if I use multiple examples. And I just started this format so I also think I definitely need room for improvement too :)</p>

<p>And to prestigeprep: Oh... Hm.. I thought my sentences were varied in their structure. I was just looking over it and it doesn't seem so redundant to me. Can you point out places where you say are very redundant in structure? Actually I was just rereading it and I think my intro is very redundant in sentence structure... is this where you were directing at?</p>

<p>And um.. what do you mean by 2-word or 3-word sentence structure?</p>

<p>First of all your essay is 3 paragraphed. which is extremely hurting your score.</p>


<p>3 body paragraphs doesn't hurt scores. In fact, I got a 12 on my SAT essay with a 3 body paragraph essay. 3 body paragraphs aren't necessarily bad. In fact, Write a 12 in 10 Days Essay guide emphasizes the 3 body paragraph essay. It allows people to really write their thoughts with multiply examples to guarantee that they attack EVERY SINGLE POINT in the prompt. Also, despite being repetitive, the 3 body paragraph essay will usually support the thesis a lot more. Sometimes people will write two underdeveloped body paragraph essays. This is where the 3 body paragraph essay comes in. They MIGHT still be underdeveloped, but the third paragraph shows some more development and argument which is what helps support your argument.</p>


<p>Yes, my writing section teacher at my prep class stressed the importance of delving deep into your evidence and paragraphs in general so as not to give the scorer a surface-level example. For me, three paragraph is the best way to do it since I can concentrate ten to fifteen minutes of my time analyzing my one evidence in a more critical mode than trying to use two or three evidence.</p>

<p>I sometimes add an extra paragraph for counter-arguments but that is only if I can think up of a good, strong counter-argument and a good,strong rebuttal, and if I can finish my evidence paragraph in time to leave some space and time for my counter-argument paragraph.</p>


<p>I'm incorrect in that sense (I guess) where I said you NEED to pick a side. It's statistically shown that its harder to get a 12 playing both sides versus taking one and just sticking to it. Students often make errors and will say they want to support both ideas but then write their essay gravitated more towards one side, hurting their central thesis and diminishing their score greatly. Thus, I find it easier to clearly pick one side, but you're right, it doesn't have to be done. </p>


<p>Josh, looks like the 4-paragraph essay is right for you. Your viewpoint on detail is the same as mine - no surface level examples, and we both like to delve deep into our examples. Instead of going 3 body paragraphs, how about trying 2 next time?</p>

<p>To Lilballerx8:</p>

<p>Two? How can you structure your evidence in a cohesive and balanced manner with only two paragraphs? Intro/Evidence and Conclusion? Intro and Evidence/Conclusion? How you can adequately develop your essay in two paragraphs?</p>

<p>two BODY paragraphs, or a four paragraph essay.</p>

<p>also, try to stay away from school-related examples, unless it is a HUGE event that rarely happens anywhere</p>

<p>Oh I see. Well, two body paragraphs either means I add another example altogether or look at a different angle on the already used example. Using another example will actually hurt me, I've already tried that. But I would like to try looking at an evidence at a different angle, but that all depends on the topic and how knowledgeable I am on that subject. </p>

<p>School-related examples. Heh-heh. I read a piece of paper I received from my prep class which said to stay away from school related examples. So now I know that I should stay away from it, unless like you said it's a huge and rare event.</p>

<p>Thanks :)</p>

<p>I would do another example personally, but it is ultimately up to you. Also, try to keep your mind open....what is said in your prep class is not necessarily the ultimate truth.</p>

<p>But yea, no school-related ***** lol</p>

<p>I wrote another essay just now with two body paragraphs. I'm going to type it up right now. Would you critique it and see if it's better or not?</p>