Please grade my essay

<p>Prompt: Since the invention of television, the medium has had its ups and downs. At first, television watching was a communal affair; the first television set owners in a neighborhood would proudly invite the neighbors in to view the marvelous box. In time, however, television came to have an isolating effect on viewers; as the painter Andy Warhol once said, “When I got my first television set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships.”
ASSIGNMENT: What are your thoughts on the idea that television has turned out to isolate people instead of bringing them together? Compose an essay in which you express your views on this topic. Your essay may support, refute, or qualify the views expressed in the excerpt. What you write, however, must be relevant to the topic under discussion. Additionally, you must support your viewpoint,explaining your reasoning and providing examples based on your studies and/or experience.</p>

<p>My essay:
The idiot box or television is thought to be one of the reasons of people becoming isolated. However, I disagree with this as I strongly feel that it brings communities and families together.</p>

<p>Whenever, adversity strikes in any part of the world, it is through television that the rest of the world becomes aware of it. In 2008, when an earthquake struck the northern parts of Pakistan, this news was broadcasted on the television and the whole world responded in a positive manner, reaching out to help those who had been struck by the disaster. In Pakistan too, the people got together to donate and help their fellow countrymen.</p>

<p>Television, through the entertainment it provides helps to improves and strengthen family bonds as families get together to watch their favourite shows. In my own family, we always sit down to watch, 'Masterchef Australia' as it is one show which my parents, siblings and I enjoy. Television shows also help people to find common ground. It gives people something to talk about with their friends, colleagues and loved ones. Hence, television should not be criticized for disrupting relationships.</p>

<p>You're on the right track. Your essay in its current form is much too short. Think of tripling it in length.</p>

<p>Expand on you example of "bringing people together". Expand on your example of "providing shared conversation topics". Perhaps add still another "positive" facet of Television. Make sure you provide examples for each facet you present. You do this well in your second paragraph.</p>

<p>Avoid the phrasing "However, I disagree with this" in the introduction. Best is to make your points without reference to the prompt, and to state them in the "positive" rather than the "negative" as you do in the phrase "I disagree".</p>

<p>Post your revised essay once you are ready.</p>

<p>Steve Jobs said, “Television at its best is magnificent” and I wholeheartedly agree with him. </p>

<p>Whenever, adversity strikes in any part of the world, it is through television that the rest of the world becomes aware of it. In 2008, when an earthquake struck the northern parts of Pakistan, this news was broadcasted on the television and the whole world responded in a positive manner, reaching out to help those who had been struck by the disaster. In Pakistan too, the people got together to donate and help their fellow countrymen.</p>

<p>Television, through the entertainment it provides helps to improves and strengthen family bonds as families get together to watch their favourite shows. In my own family, we always sit down to watch, 'Masterchef Australia' as it is one show which my parents, siblings and I enjoy. In Jodi Picoult’s book, House Rules, one of the protagonists, Jacob, has Asperger’s Syndrome. The book tells us how people who have Asperger’s have one area of interest. In Jacob’s case, his interest lies in forensic science and he watches all the episodes of Crime Busters on television, later enacting them with his mother. This would also have strengthened the bond between Jacob and his mother.
Television shows also help people to find common ground. It gives people something to talk about with their friends, colleagues and loved ones. Girls often connect with each other because they are infatuated by the same celebrity for instance many woo over Ian Somerhalder who plays the role of Damon Salvatore in Vampire Diaries and discuss him for hours. Hence, television should not be criticized for disrupting relationships.</p>