Please Grade my essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Please Grade my essay and be as harsh as you could</p>

<p>Assignment:
Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>The lives of everyone in the world have become an open book and now, we must try to close that book. New technologies such as the internet and the spy-cam have made our lives public to everyone in the world. A new profession has arised to show us the many secrets of people. A profession people look down upon but have come to depend on: the paparazzi. However, people have overlooked what might and has happened when one’s life become too public. Death is usually the end. So people must once conceal a few secret to themselves and shut the open book of everyones lives.</p>

<p>In recent century, people have become engulfed in the numerous tabloids that appear on the news. Mainly because life in the city promoted every mischievous act possible. However, the same people have turned their faces away from what could possibly happen due to this constant publicity. Sooner or later, the constant revealing of ones personal matters will result in death. This is what happened to the late Princess Diana of The Royal House of England. After her infamous break up with Prince Charles, the press pounded her until her death. She had to constantly move to avoid and dupe the flocks of cameras around her. In the end, this lead to her death.</p>

<p>The same ideal has been presented a recent Hollywood film named “Paparazzi.” In this movie, the main character is a famous movie star is Hollywood, but his life soon turns into a constant battle for privacy. At first, he tries to simply talk the reporters, but he soon discovers that it has no affect. The only thing now was violence and that is what he reached for. With the constant upheaval of his personal life, the main character lost his mind and therefore, himself.</p>

<p>Now, the two examples presented might have been extreme, but this is what might happen if people continue at their current pace. We have made our lives so public that anyone can know about our favorite foods and where we live for that reason. We must keep some secrets to differentiate ourselves from others or we lose our identity and our lives. We must stop the hole that our secrets are leaking out of and protect ourselves.</p>

2

<p>i would give it a 4+5. your examples arent exactly the best, but you do supoport your point.</p>

3

<p>i’d give it a 2 or 3.</p>

<p>your thesis and examples are very weak. </p>

<p>“Death is usually the end.” - this sounds ridiculous and cannot be proven. </p>

<p>in your second body paragraph: </p>

<p>“the main character lost his mind and therefore, himself” - this does not support your already ludicrous thesis that death results from an invasion of privacy, you’d probably score higher if you had a second example that supported your thesis, as bad as it is. </p>

<p>“The lives of everyone in the world have become an open book and now, we must try to close that book.” - very awkward wording, do not use cliches or trite sayings.</p>

<p>all in all, it’s a poor essay in my opinion, not just because of a weak thesis and examples but also because of your poor word choice and awkward sentence structures.</p>

<p>i think you should just use a personal experience in your SAT essay. you do not seem to know much about current events or history. you could probably write a much better essay this way.</p>

4

<p>With your examples you should go even deeper: how does the media lead to Princess Diana’s death?(There were two sentences that explained the media led to her death causing the last part of that paragraph to seem redundant.) How does the invasion of privacy make the main character lose his mind?</p>

<p>either than that you seem to support the invasion of privacy well.</p>

5

<p>I am just following your instructions here and being as harsh as possible. My comments, corrections, and suggestions are in brackets.</p>

<p>The lives of everyone in the world have become an open book and now, we must try to close that book. New technologies such as the internet and the spy-cam have made our lives public to everyone in the world. A new profession has arised [arisen] to show us the many secrets of people. [It is] A profession [that many] people look down upon but have come to depend on: the paparazzi. However, people have overlooked what might and has happened when one’s life become[s] too public. Death is usually the end. [Overly dramatic, like MechRocket said earlier] So people must once conceal a few secret[s] to themselves and shut the open book of everyone[']s lives. [This open/closed book metaphor is being heavily overused]</p>

<p>In recent century [years?], people have become engulfed in the numerous tabloids that appear on [in?] the news. [This is] Mainly because life [people?] in the city [has/have] promoted every mischievous act possible. However, the same people have turned their faces away from what could possibly happen due to [because of?] this constant publicity. Sooner or later, the constant revealing of one[']s personal matters will result in death. [Again, hyperbolic and unnecessary] This is what happened to the late Princess Diana of The Royal House of England. After her infamous break up with Prince Charles, the press pounded her until her death. [This sentence is very violent-sounding - they did not actually pound her to death; she died in a car accident] She had to constantly move to avoid and dupe the flocks of cameras around her. In the end, this lead to her death. [Illogical connection]</p>

<p>The same ideal has been presented [in] a recent Hollywood film named [called?] “Paparazzi.” In this movie, the main character is a famous movie star is [in] Hollywood, but his life soon turns into a constant battle for privacy. At first, he tries to simply talk the reporters, but he soon discovers that it has no affect [effect]. The only thing now was [is] violence and that is what he reached [reaches] for. With the constant upheaval of his personal life, the main character lost [loses] his mind and therefore, himself.</p>

<p>Now, the two examples presented might have been extreme, but this is what might happen if people continue at their current pace. We have made our lives so public that anyone can know about our favorite foods and where we live for that reason. We must keep some secrets to differentiate ourselves from others or we lose our identity and our lives. We must stop the hole that our secrets are leaking out of and protect ourselves.</p>

<p>[I acknowledge your efforts to create a persuasive thesis statement and essay. Unfortunately, it fell extremely short of perfection. There are a lot of grammar flaws - there is a large amount of tense changes, missing words, and misused words. The main thesis (“death will result from lack of privacy”) was far-fetched and illogical and the examples (Princess Diana and the movie “Papparazzi”) did not enhance your attempt to create a cogent, cohesive essay. I would give this essay a 2, a 3 if you are lucky, for a good effort and an attempt at solid examples.]</p>

<p>Sorry if I was harsh, but that is indeed what you asked for. Best of luck to you.</p>

6

<p>i know, this was horrible. Like 5 mins into the end, i noticed i was totally off-topic and that i should have wrote about like MYspace and Friendster</p>

7

<p>hmm but the sat essay graders are extremely generous</p>

8

<p>You really think so? From what I’ve seen, the grading is random, if anything.</p>