Please grade my essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>The 3rd test in the Bluebook</p>

<p>Is conscience a more powerful motivatior than money, fame, or power.</p>

<p>Though it may be very tempting to answer that human conscience is the more powerful motivator, the simple fact is that it is not. The human being’s avarice extends far beyond his or her reason. Through recent scandals, infamous historical occurrences, and a Shakespearean play, it is quiet conspicuous that fame, money, and power are stronger that the human conscience.</p>

<p>For the last century, the American pastime has been the sport of Baseball. Baseball is a sport that embodies a famous history and a multicultural player base. Yet in recent years, the sport had been beleaguered by the steroid scandal in which the players utilized drugs to improve their play. A well-known abuser is Mark Maguire, who had set the homerun record during his abuse of steroids. To elevate his chances of fame, Maguire tainted the sport he loved. As a result of his as well as many other player’s misuse of drugs, an entire decade in baseball’s illustrious history has been called in question.</p>

<p>However, the sacrifice of one’s morals for money, fame, and power is nothing novel. Another famous example dates back to the American Revolution in the 18th century. Benedict Arnold, a famed general of his time, had achieved numerous accomplishments for the American cause. He had wont he first colonial victory at Ft. Ticonderoga. He had battled through an injured leg and possible Court Marshall to lead the revolutionaries to victory at Saratoga. Yet, all these accolades gave away to his nefarious act of defecting to the British Empire. Why? The answer was simple, command and power of the British Army in the colonies.</p>

<p>In literature, Shakespeare is lauded for his mystifying plots and detailed rendition of human reason. In his play Macbeth, he focuses on Macbeth, a loyal Earl to the King of Scotland whose fidelity wore away when presented with aspirations of the crown. He, as well as his wife, went as far as to murder the King and any possible adversaries. Macbeth is the personifications of a real human’s greed.</p>

<p>As seen, human nature is one that gives way to avarice. Human conscience might be the right notion, but not stronger than fame, money, and power.</p>

<p>Thanks in advance.</p>

2

<p>come on, even a number is appreciated.</p>

3

<p>Intro: Fine.
1: Connect the first two sentences with a comma.
2: More explanation needed. “Why? The answer was simple, command and power of the British Army in the colonies.” Explain how he sacrificed his “morals” for “money, fame, and power.” How did becoming a traitor reflect this “sacrifice”?
3: More explanation needed. How did Macbeth ignore his conscience?</p>

<p>Your argument is not compelling. I can think of lots of people who gave up fame and power for humanitarian reasons based on their own conscience. You should admit that in your essay and try to make a rebuttal of that. That will make your argument stronger.</p>

<p>Your essay is in the 8-9 range, I’d say.</p>

<p>Tips:
Elaborate, use big SAT words, have a great Intro, follow a suitable outline, have topic sentences and transitions, have a great conclusion. Seek to impress.</p>

<p>Using this, you can probably grade your own essays. Look at the rubric that readers use to grade your essays, and grade your own essays by how impressive your essay is.</p>

4

<p>i don’t understand everyone’s compulsion to “use big SAT words.” they really don’t make anything look more impressive, and they’ll only make you look like an idiot if you use them excessively and/or incorrectly. and they most certainly don’t hide the fact that an essay is bad when it really is.</p>

<p>first paragraph:</p>

<ul>
<li>“more powerful” implies that you’re only comparing two things… are there only two motivators in existence? use “most.”</li>
<li>“conspicuous” does not mean “obvious” in the way you use it. someone wearing a strange outfit is conspicuous. a fact (or arguable opinion, in your case) is not.</li>
</ul>

<p>second:</p>

<ul>
<li>“baseball” is not a proper noun and shouldn’t be capitalized.</li>
<li>the second sentence has very little to do with your point and vaguely even ties into the next sentence.</li>
</ul>

<p>third:</p>

<ul>
<li>you probably should have used a colon after “simple.”</li>
</ul>

<p>fourth:</p>

<ul>
<li>“personification” should be singular.</li>
</ul>

<p>overall (and most importantly):</p>

<p>it kind of jumps all over the place, and the result isn’t very persuasive. you should at least try to create the illusion of “flow” from one topic to the next; otherwise, it can be quite distracting to the reader. also, the use of “advanced” vocabulary did seem excessive, and i would NOT recommend that you step it up (on the contrary, i’d advise that you step it DOWN) unless you can make the actual essay more cohesive and effective. also work out the occasional grammar kinks.</p>