Please grade my ESSAY!

[Swgyswgy]

<p>What would you grade my sat essay? How can I improve it, and what is the best method for increasing the strength of my examples? Thanks alot!</p>

<p>Prompt: Are something better left secret? (not sure of wording, official sat pretest prompt)</p>

<p>

As humans progress into an age of technology our once defined boundaries of privacy are vanishing. Pushed forward by social media outlets such as Facebook and Myspace, our personal lives have become an open diary for all to read. Nearly all users are inundated with the latest messages, status updates, and relationship status changes reflecting the most candid details of a friend or acquaintance’s life. This drastic shift to a society in which everything is openly scrutinized by the public has created the need for humans to regress to the archaic practice of keeping secrets to oneself. Although social media outlets provide a means for self expression, hidden within the terms of service agreements that most users merely simply skim over is a deceptive contract that permanently binds a user to every word, action, and picture uploaded; forever to be recorded in the archive of the internets.</p>

<p>Unbeknown to a multitude of online users, every action they incur is recorded alongside their ip address. This sensitive information lies somewhere out of reach yet not out of mind. For example, hiring agencies are now using questionable items posted on Facebook to shift through undesirable candidates. However invasive this approach to weeding out prospective applicants is, those users whom chose to use Facebook silently agreed to making every status update publicly available. In this time of open records, one must be extremely careful of what they allow to be posted online. What might seem like an innocent party picture or an inside joke amongst friends might not be taken lightly by others. In situations like this, vigilance is important to prevent public ostracization. </p>

<p>Furthermore, since the speed of communication has increased the likelihood of something become public has exponentially increased. In the case of celebrity gossip, many of the rich and famous have trouble keeping “the cat in the bag”. Everything a celebrity says or does is analyzed and made public by organizations such as TMZ or by the paparazzi kingpins like Perez Hilton. Within minutes, a celebrity’s deepest secret is plastered upon blog rolls, announced on the nightly news, and tweeted about by twitter fanatics. This gossip can and does shatter the careers of many a celebrity, Therefore, it is in their best interest to keep personal details candid and private, away from the public eye. Nothing can be hidden now.</p>

<p>In an age of rapidly increasing speeds in communication and the explosion of social networking online, awareness for the consequences for remaining too open should be increased. As illustrated by the previous examples, unintentional sharing of candid personal details can lead to the shattering of careers and employment opportunities. An individual must remain secretive, for the eyes of the public are unforgiving and unrelenting.

</p>

[lukereed]

<p>12 obviously, that’s really good if you actually wrote it in 25 minutes.</p>

[Swgyswgy]

<p>Bump, can anyone else offer me feedback?</p>

[duckBlase]

<p>12 congratulations!!! :D</p>

[happymunkee]

<p>12 for sure. I got a 12 on my essay and yours just pooped all over mine lol</p>

<p>You looked deeply into the topic and didn’t just skim across the top. Your ideas are very well developed and full of detail.</p>

[Swgyswgy]

<p>Is it really a 12? On my October SAT I only scored an 8 on the essay. Why do I freeze up on the actual SAT but for a timed 25 minute essay I don’t? How can I get over that hump? During the June SAT i also scored an 8 on my essay.</p>

<p>On the last SAT essay I had absolutely no examples to draw from so I ended up ********ting about how British people saved historic artwork from the Germans during bombing runs in the London underground (not sure if this is even true) and something about burning books in Fahrenheit 451. Both examples sucked and probably resulted in a low score of an 8.</p>

<p>What are the best way to increase the quality of my examples?</p>

[happymunkee]

<p>i’ve taken APUSH and that class was extremely helpful in providing me with facts to use…the thing about these essays is that you can’t think TOO much about your examples. Doing so can waste too much time…what I usually do is when I see the topic, I think of anything that even remotely relates to the topic and jot it down. THen I back up whichever side is more convenient. </p>

<p>and how much are you writing? Fill up the whole two pages…I’m not talking about 1.5 or 1.75 pages…I mean the whole sheet of paper haha. I ended up writing in the margins and using carrots.</p>

<p>Lastly…if you have trouble coming up with “legit” examples…make them up or twist something. For example, if you have a personal experience, turn it into a book or a scientific study, it adds more credibility to your example.
best of luck to you :)</p>

[iSeeWhiteOut]

<p>I think it is really good, but I was just wondering…</p>

<p>“binds a user to every word, action, and picture uploaded; forever to be recorded in the archive of the internets.”</p>

<p>Can you use a semicolon to combine and independent and dependent clause? I am not sure, so that is why I am asking. I thought I remember my teaching saying they had to be able to stand alone.</p>

[iSeeWhiteOut]

<p>By the way, one example you could have used was Hayley William’s boob photo, which was supposedly supposed to be private on there or something.</p>