PLEASE GRADE MY SAT ESSAY OUT OF 12

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>ASSIGNMENT: SHOULD PEOPLE TAKE MORE RESPONSIBILITY FOR SOLVING PROBLEMS THAT AFFECT THEIR COMMUNITIES OR THE NATION IN GENERAL?</p>

<p>ESSAY:</p>

<p>Problems are not always related to an individual’s personal life. Sometimes, problems that affect the community as a whole affect individuals as well. And we, as individuals need to find solutions to these problems for the betterment of our society. There are numerous people whose actions serve as testimonies to this topic. One such testimony is that of Oskar Schindler, who saved about 1200 Jews during the holocaust.</p>

<p>Oskar Schindler became a member of the Nazi party in 1939. The Nazi party, led by Adolf Hitler, was the main cause of the death of a huge number of Jews during this time period. Approximately 20,000 Jews were killed from 1942 to 1943. The ones who lived were sent to a forced labor camp in Plaszow run by SS (Nazi special force) commandant Amon Goethe. </p>

<p>In order to save these remaining Jews and provide them with better treatment, Schindler setup a bogus factory with the help of his workforce. In the late summer of 1944, Schindler transferred these Jews to barracks at his own factory and declared to force them into labor, when in reality he provided them with a safe place to live free of torture and agony.</p>

<p>The name of each one of the 1200 Jews at Schindler’s factory was put up on Schindler’s list. He protected them till the World War II ended and took up the responsibility of their safety and comfort.</p>

<p>Schindler’s example showcases how a person who felt that here was something wrong in the way the government functioned took a step against them and a step towards the right decision. Following his conscience, he struggled to provide better circumstances for the Jews who had survived.</p>

<p>Thus, as natives and citizens f our country, we need to push ourselves forward and take a step towards what we feel is right and just. Oskar Schindler saved the Jews because he believed that the Nazi party was taking the wrong steps and wanted to prevent further damage to the lives of the Jews. </p>

<p>Conclusively, people need to take responsibility for problems that affect their society and community as a whole. Each one of us needs to think collectively, i.e. by overcoming our selfish ways of thought and action. </p>

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<p>Bump…</p>

3

<p>“Problems are not always related to an individual’s personal life. Sometimes, problems that affect the community as a whole affect individuals as well.” According to the second sentence, community’s problems equal personal problems. So, the second sentence does not answer the question presented by the first sentence: what problems are unrelated to an individual’s personal life?</p>

<p>You have one example. It is a good example, but few people can achieve a high score without the use of at least two (preferably 3) examples.</p>

<p>You have a lot of facts. Facts are good, but you have too many. Your essay seems more like a biography about Schindler than a essay answering the prompt.</p>

<p>You have a lot of paragraphs. Although this may help you fill up the two pages (completely filling up two pages is the most important thing about the SAT essay), it is bad if you have too many paragraphs about the same example.</p>

<p>Your body paragraphs lack topic sentences.</p>

<p>You only need to write out Oskar Schindler’s whole name once. After that, use his last name.</p>

<p>I think your current essay would probably score a 6 out of 12. You should ask someone else to score your essay because I only scored 8 out of 12 on my SAT essay. It prevented me from getting a perfect writing score (I got all the MC writing problems correct).</p>

<p>Here is an improved version of your essay:</p>

<p>Sometimes, problems affecting the community may seem to not have an immediate effect on an individual’s personal life. However, these problems, if left unattended, may have the potential to affect individuals as well. Therefore, we, as individuals need to find solutions to these problems for the betterment of our society. There are numerous people whose actions serve as testimonies to this topic. These people include Oskar Schindler, [insert example 2], and [insert example 3].</p>

<p>Schindler disapproved of the atrocities committed by the Nazi party, so he worked to save the people whose lives were threatened by Germany’s mistakes. Although Schindler was a member of the Nazi party himself, his actions contradicted his party’s ideologies. He formed a bogus factory, where he transferred the surviving Jews, and he declared to force them into labor, but in reality, he provided them with a safe place to live free of torture and agony till the end of World War II. His decisions saved about 1,200 Jews during the Holocaust. Thus, following his conscience, Schindler took responsibility for his country’s problems and sought to alleviate them.</p>

<p>[insert example 2]</p>

<p>[insert example 3]</p>

<p>These influential historical (and literary) figures reveal the importance of taking responsibility for problems that affect one’s society and community as a whole. Thus, as natives and citizens of our country, we need to push ourselves forward and do what we feel is right. In order to do this, each one of us must think collectively by overcoming our selfish desires.</p>