<p>A few really key points to stress:</p>
<ol>
<li>No matter what people tell you, the CollegeBoard values quantity slightly more than quality. You must write more than this to ensure a top score like a 10-12.<br></li>
<li>STRUCTURE, STRUCTURE, STRUCTURE: Remember the basic outline of a High School Essay-- Intro, 2-3 body paragraphs, Conclusion – If there is a conclusion in this essay, I can’t find it (which means it needs to be clearer) - do not say ‘Lastly’ as it makes it seem like your introducing a new point when in fact you mean to write ‘In conclusion’.</li>
<li>You say ‘persons’ a lot - try people, its a much cleaner word and you are less likely to make grammatical mistakes if you use it.</li>
<li>Nevertheless is a sentence fragment - be sure to employ all basic grammar to make sure the examiner can check the last box of ‘minor grammatical errors’ every time. every sentence must have a subject (noun) and a verb.</li>
<li>Definitely try to use examples you know a lot about - Your use of Lincoln was good, but your knowledge of Napolean seems limited - its very general and you don’t fully explain the relevance of the example. </li>
<li>Do NOT take a political stance - whether you are a communist or capitalist, although it is a personal response, you never know who’s reading your essay and by making derogatory comments towards the ‘educated’ and ‘elite’ you could be offensive.</li>
<li>Try to avoid sweeping statements like ‘so many others’ [have shown us to not trust those in power] - give examples of names.</li>
<li>You need to vary sentence structure slightly more and try to use pronouns to simplify - it can be VERY wordy at times.</li>
<li> Try to, without abusing a thesaurus, draw in more SAT vocab - your language tends to be a bit too simple at times such that it makes the essay seem unscholarly and uncritical - the two things one should aim to prove in their 25 minutes of glory.</li>
</ol>
<p>Overall, I would give this essay a 4-5/12 using the mark scheme provided by the College Board.</p>
<p>I am aware that this is the first essay in the book, so don’t be disheartened.</p>
<p>Find your corrected essay below:</p>
<p>There are many people who entirely believe and trust the ideas of authorities because they have received an education (really? Mugabe?) and most are elites of the country, company or group. However, it is really (use a different amplifying word) important to question them if we consider some of their ideas or actions wrong as they are also humans and are prone to mistakes. Also, being in a position of authority doesnt mean that he or she is the only member of the country or group. </p>
<p>People trust in dignitaries mainly because they think that dignitaries are the most intelligent in a country or group and will do their best. That said, upper classmen are also humans; they are not perfect, and so can make mistakes. A first example to draw upon is historical. When Napoleon Bonaparte wanted to conquer Europe, and was so close to success, who couldve doubt that he would fail? (This makes no sense) When he was ready to attack Russia, his militia failed because of the cold and the snow.</p>
<p>Abraham Lincoln once said, A government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth. This quote emphasized the importance of questioning the authority. The people with political power are chosen by the folk, but the government is of everyone. Therefore, everyone has the right to doubt the authority because we are all part of the government. If people do not question those in authority, power figures will do what they want and not what the majority wants. </p>
<p>In conclusion, we can see via the history of Napoleon and many others that people should scrutinize the ideas and actions of people in positions of authority. In this way, we can prevent future conflicts and failures.</p>