Please grade my SAT essay?

I would greatly appreciate anyone giving my practice essay a score. Critical feedback and areas for improvement would be wonderful, too!
For reference, this prompt is from practice test #8 in the SAT blue book.

P.S. I had no idea where I was going with my introduction. Any thoughts on how I could have started differently?

Is the world changing for the better?

[Essay response]
Time and change appear to have a permanent attachment to each other: the longer time passes, the greater the avenue for change, be it politically, socially, or medically. Despite all of the change that takes place globally, one must step back and agree that the majority of change is for the advancement of humanity. Whether it is garnering civil rights for African Americas in the 1960’s, fighting for equal education opportunities for women in the Middle East, or advancing the treatment for and knowledge of the world’s deadliest diseases, the world is changing for the better.

Oppression of people is just one of the issues that requires change to reach the betterment of political rights of those same people. In Selma, Alabama, and in the rest of the southern United States in the 1960’s. African Americans were intimidated out of holding political office and immorally hindered from casting a vote (through literacy tests and poll taxes) even though in law, all African Americas had the right to vote. Persistence, which took form in long marches and endurance of unnecessary violence, for fair rights won out as a result of a thirst for change. As a result of this monumental win for human political rights, the election of America’s first African American president took place seven years ago, paving the way for even more opportunities for exercising a person’s full political rights, regardless of race, color, or creed.

Similarly, in the Middle East, specifically Afghanistan, Malala Yousafzai’s determination for the same equal rights as her male neighbor led to a global awakening of women’s education, primarily in the redefining of equal opportunity in the modern age. Malala’s autobiography “I Am Malala” has inspired hundreds of oppressed Muslim girls to rise up and claim the educational rights that were promised to them in Quran but were taken away due to religious fanaticism. Malala’s memoir has cast light on the dangers of this religious fanaticism by showing its effects (such as a gunshot to the head) on an innocent population of school-age girls trying to satisfy their intellectual curiosity and ability.

On a more medical note, treatment and understanding of the world’s most mysterious diseases, such as the emperor of all maladies, cancer, has improved n-fold through education and involvement of people from all walks of life. Today, people as young as 14 can engage in cancer research through summer programs and study alongside professors to design a science project. The student’s work can be communicated through peer presentations, thus spreading medical knowledge to a larger, previously ignorant audience and equip them for a more health-conscious future.

The world’s contemporary treatment of civil rights, women’s education, and medical knowledge prove that the world is ultimately changing for the good. As seen in all three of these examples, the spreading of knowledge, which is also a hallmark of the modern world, is what facilitates this change. So, as long as the human’s natural penchant for communication is satisfied, the world’s improvement rate can only go upward.

Wow… if you wrote this under timed condition, congrats. I would personally give u a 6. But the graders will find some minor mistake and probably give u a 5. it won’t get any lower than that.
By the way, do u have any tips?

Thank you! Yes, I wrote this under timed conditions. I personally think that I need to improve my sentence structure and stop repeating words.

I am flattered that you are asking me for tips because I feel that I still have a lot to improve, but one thing I have learned through practice is that always have a backup set of universal examples you can use for any SAT essay prompt. After you have found those examples, hone them to perfection.

If I were you, your essay would be a lot stronger if you added a paragraph counterattacking the question. Basically, for the last body paragraph, I would say: “However, to a lesser degree/extent, this world should not be changing because it only makes matter worse because…” (btw, I wouldn’t write exactly what I wrote down, this is just an example). If you have that, your score will skyrocket and you would undoubtably get a 12/12 on your essay. Also, just try to be careful with grammar because the examiners take off points by that (because it’s a writing section). And finally, add some high level vocabulary. It impresses the examiners, and make your essay stronger.

That’s an interesting essay format; I’ve never heard of using it on the SAT before, but I will try it!