Please Grade this Essay

<p>Since I'm a newbie at this forum, I was hoping that someone can grade my essay Thanks in advance!!</p>

<p>Prompt: Whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. (Declaration of Independence)</p>

<p>Assignment: Does questioning authority make a society stronger?</p>

<p>Questioning authority can have a major effect on society, and can change it for the better. Although it is sometimes easier to just follow convention, the questioning of authority can have powerful repercussions, evident in the Declaration of independence, the Magna Carta and the Women’s Suffrage Movement.
The Declaration of Independence shows that our founding fathers were frustrated with the English Monarchy, as the monarchy was unfairly taxing them and housing English troops against their will. The founding fathers could have just waited for the taxes to blow over, but they believed that if they questioned the authority of King George III, it would make the American society stronger and better. The Declaration of Independence showed that our founding fathers weren’t afraid to question authority and what they thought was wrong. This allowed our country to build an army and eventually win the War of Independence.
Later in American history, the women’s Suffrage Movement showed just how powerful the questioning authority was. For over two centuries, women weren’t allowed to vote because it was a “man’s” job. This caused much uproar, but nobody stood up and questioned why women weren’t allowed to vote. Eventually, in the1940s, a group of suffragettes banded together to fight for the right to vote. The fight was most bitter, but in the end, the women won their right to vote, once again proving that questioning authority makes the society stronger.
Earlier, in English history, the English people were ruled over by the Kind and the Parliament. However, the Parliament was mostly a figure head, with no real power. The Kings started unfairly taxing his people. Although this did no directly affect the Parliament members, the Parliament still questioned the authority of the King. Eventually, the Parliament members banded together and forced the King to sign the Magna Carta, a document that forced the King to recognize the rights of his people and the Parliament, improving the English society.
I believe that questioning authority is worth whatever trouble it causes, as it strengthens and unites the people and changes the society for good.</p>

<p>i'd give it a 9. you're introduction and conclusion are lacking development</p>

<p>Your essay is definitely 10 material.</p>

<p>Good Points...
-Five paragraphs [a full essay]
-Connected back to your thesis every paragraph
-Used three different instances to support your argument</p>

<p>Points Needing Improvement
-Budget your time. It seemed as though the conclusion was rushed and lacked substance. Although it contained a strong connection to the argument, it needed more.</p>

<p>The people above said it pretty well. Here are just a few additional tips. NEVER use 1st or 2nd person in your essay. I can guarantee you won’t get a perfect score if you do that. Also, your thesis should have a because in it, so it’ll be more explanatory. And make sure you use topic sentences. A topic sentence should be the first sentence of each body paragraph. It’ll state something you said in your thesis. The next two sentences should elaborate a bit in the topic sentence. THEN you go into your example. Hope this helped!</p>

<p>9, possibly 10.</p>

<p>Change ‘our founding fathers’ to ‘America’s founding fathers,’ etc. Personally I like a 4 paragraph essay in which the two examples are detailed and also has a 2-3 sentence conclusion, so that it doesn’t look rushed and more towards the professional end.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

<p>My biggest problem I see is your thesis isnt giving an opinion. You just say yes to the prompt with these examples. I thnk you should make a more specific thesis statement, then i think your definetly in the running for a 11 or 12</p>


<p>This essay would get a 10. You’re on the right track with your examples, however your introduction and conclusion are lacking development. You need to give some thought to your introduction and clearly state your opinion. After that point you can really get the ball rolling and bang out a few good body paragraphs. </p>

<p>Your body paragraphs are decent. I suggest you tie them back to your thesis more. Throw in 2 more sentences at the end of each one to really show how questioning authority really yielded positive effects. If you clearly state this at the end of each body paragraph you can really get an awesome score. Your writing seems to flow, but throw in some more transitions and parallels. Comparing the Forefathers to those fighting for suffrage is a great parallel, just keep doing that in future essays.</p>

<p>Lastly, your vocabulary. You must incorporate more SAT words into your essay. A fully developed and coherent SAT essay with not advanced vocabulary will only get an 11. You must cautiously (key word is cautiously) distribute SAT words all through your essay, from your introduction to the body paragraphs, and ending in your conclusion. Don’t get me wrong; this is a good essay, but you deserve a better score if you do a few of those things I (and all the others who posted critiques) say! Keep up the good work my friend!</p>