Please help and grade my essay!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Please actually read through this!</p>

<p>Assignment: Do small events lead to catastrophes or are great events initiated by other causes?</p>

<p>As with many great wars or even life’s tribulations, it’s the insignificant minute deatails that lead to them. Throughout history, there have been destruction of empires and wars which have all begun with small events. With that said, it is evident that catastrophes are sparked by a chain reaction as is depicted in the American Revolution, climate change and the fall of the Roman Empire.</p>

<p>To begin with, the American Revolution did not simply begin with a shot of a bullet, but a series of events that allowed the citizens to realize that they’ve had enough. In the beginning, the citizens were given their freedoms, but as the British power expanded across the Eastern seaboard, the British tightened their hold. With many strict laws, such as the quartering act where citizens had to provide food and board to British soldiers, and taxes. The most famous tax imposed, the tea tax, led to the Boston Tea Party, where a group of men dressed as Indians boarded British ships and dumped their tea supplies in anger. As many troubling events continued, a catastrophe broke out, the American Revolution. Without a doubt, this chain of events, although insignificant alone, led to one of the most important wars for America.</p>

<p>In addition, the ever growing threat of climate change was not because of a single puff of carbon dioxide, but years of buildup and events along our history that lead to this overbearing threat on the whole human race. Ever since the discovery of coal, natural gas and other fossil fuels, the emissions have built of exponentially as well as its byproducts, such as waste and habitat destruction. Because climate change is defined as permanent changes in the norm of our climate, it did not truly affect the Earth until the recent centuries when industrial revolutions began around the world with many technological advancements but at the cost of almost depleting our resources. Looking at statistics, the climate today is being affected by emissions released in the middle 20th century, and with that said, it is evident that the many cause of climate change has built up to what it is today.</p>

<p>Lastly is the fall of the Roman Empire, initially a powerful and influential empire: expansion, political and military causes brought it down. With its power, the empire felt infallible and began to expand its territory. However, due to a weak military from political and economic problems, they were unable to take more land and in return began to lose their land from invaders. As this continued corruption ran through their government and weakened their infrastructure, thus leading to its fall and take over by the Goths, because of all these minor events, the great and mighty Roman Empire was reduced to a pile of rubble.</p>

<p>In conclusion, these catastrophes were not from the result of an alien attack, or a meteorite crashing down, but a series of negligible events that began to more than expected. One can never underestimate the significance of an event because its results can be unexpected and catastrophic.</p>

2

<p>Honestly, I read it and enjoyed it. Just two little things that I noticed PERSONALLY.

  1. I wouldn’t use the word Indians, I would use Native Americans, just as a personal choice.
  2. I didn’t really get the purpose of saying “these catastrophes were not from the result of an alien attack, or a meteorite crashing down”. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to say something along the lines of “These catastrophes were not the result of random occurrences, but rather a series of negligible events - and so forth.” Just me.</p>
3

<p>Thank you very much for your critique! To answer your second question, it was meant as a little bit of humor. Instead of a sudden event like alien attacks or a meteorite hitting the earth, all of these catastrophes have been led up by these series of events.</p>

4

<p>Excellently written; however, did you type this up or did you write it on paper? Please excuse my suspicions, but this it too well written to fit in the 25 minutes allotted time period in my opinion. If not, then superior job! 12.</p>

5

<p>I’m sorry, but this essay needs work. It lacks specificity, coherence, and focus. Many of the sentences are not structured well and diction is weak in places. Is English your first language? Often diction and sentence structure are problems for those who speak English as a second language. Score 4/8</p>

<p>“many troubling events continued” Such as?
“many technological advances” What do you mention specifically other than fossil fuels?
“from political and economic problems” Such as?? (here you might simply name examples without explaining them in detail. ‘corruption, revolution, inflation, palace intrigue’</p>

<p>"…that the many cause of climate change has built up to what it is today." (S-V agreement and pronoun reference)</p>

<p>The paragraph about climate change is about climate change; resource depletion is beside the point.</p>

<p>Pronoun reference is often a problem.</p>

<p>The humor in the closing is fine, but the point (catastrophic events) should have been explicitly stated as in ‘…alien, meteorite or other catastrophic event…’</p>

6

<p>You need to work on transitions a bit. Between the first and second body paragraphs you seem to simply
digress into an entirely new topic. The “in addition” clause does little to prevent this interruption. Use something like “likewise”. Otherwise, it sounds like you’re reading off of a grocery list. However, if this essay were for the SAT, and were completed in 25 minutes by hand, then I would certainly give it a 6/6. But if this were a persuasive essay for English, maybe a low A. There are some noticeable grammatical and structural errors.</p>

7

<p>@Bannedhero I actually gave myself 35 minutes for this essay, the reason is I’m trying to practice by giving myself more time and eventually decreasing it but also trying to maintain the quality that I write with in this amount of time. Also I did write this on paper first and then transferred it onto the computer.</p>

<p>@Wood5440 I must say that although I was born in the USA, I almost always speak in Chinese with my family and friends and thus I believe it is evident in my writing. However to reiterate, I should be more specific and provide details. Likewise, how can I fix my pronoun reference/S-V agreement problems? Is pronoun reference, when the pronoun is referring back to an ambiguous noun?</p>

<p>@ratmkino Thank you for your critique, I’ll remember to do a better job with my transitions.</p>

8

<p>I don’t know why you’re using such phrases as “the British”, “British soldiers” and “British ships”. They imply that the revolutionaries self identified as American - they didn’t. The American Revolution was not a rejection of Britishness. Indeed, most colonists and nearly all of the signatories of the declaration of independence considered themselves to be British even after independence.</p>

<p>As for your comments on the decline of the Roman Empire, most of what you said is inaccurate and some of it is plane ridiculous. “the Roman Empire was reduced to a pile of rubble” - for your information the Roman Empire’s eastern provinces endured for another thousand years, and its western dominions changed very little, life went on much as it had always done.</p>

9

<p>This is a good essay marred by some grammatical errors. A few examples: </p>

<p>“With many strict laws, such as the quartering act where citizens had to provide food and board to British soldiers, and taxes.” This is a fragment.
“As with many great wars or even life’s tribulations, it’s the insignificant minute deatails that lead to them.” Awkward construction due to the use of the word “them,” which is a vague modifier.
“Throughout history, there have been destruction of empires and wars which have all begun with small events.” You should have used “has.”
“To begin with, the American Revolution did not simply begin with a shot of a bullet, but a series of events that allowed the citizens to realize that they’ve had enough.” Omit the first “with” and add it back between “a” and “series.”
There are more of the same sort peppered throughout your essay. </p>

<p>Additionally, you used some poor word choice in your introduction that left me confused for most of your essay. You start off by saying “As with many great wars or even life’s tribulations, it’s the insignificant minute deatails that lead to them. Throughout history, there have been destruction of empires and wars which have all begun with small events,” which lead me to assume that your thesis would essentially be “Yes, catastrophes are caused by small events.” However, your thesis was “No, catastrophes are not triggered by small happenings but rather the buildup of many events.” Your body paragraphs supported your thesis well, but I was still left confused by the disjointed intro. </p>

<p>All in all, this is a solid SAT essay. I’d say it’s either a four or a five, so your total score is between an 8 and a 10. For the perfect twelve, work on your grammar and make sure your ideas are presented more clearly.</p>

<p>Also, ignore the people who are judging your essay for its historical accuracy. The SAT graders do not take points off for such minutia.</p>

10

<p>keunglh,</p>

<p>Pronoun reference problems occur when it is unclear to which noun a pronoun refers, or in situations when there is a pronoun used and there is no noun to which it can refer. Generally, the rule is that a pronoun refers back to the last noun mentioned. There are cases when the last noun is obviously not the one to which the pronoun refers, so one looks for the last noun that can serve the same function in the structure of the sentence.</p>

<p>For example: Mark and John crept quietly through the doorway into the house. “Be careful,” he warned…To whom does the pronoun ‘he’ refer? Mark? John? It could be either. But certainly not ‘doorway’ or ‘house’, even though they are the closest nouns to the pronoun.
On the other hand : Mark watched John creep through the doorway. “Be careful,” he warned… Here the focus is on Mark (He is the subject of the main clause), so ‘he’ would be assumed to refer to Mark.
While: Mark watched John creep through the doorway. John turned to look back. “Be careful,” he warned… Here the focus starts on Mark and then shifts to John. This is ambiguous. The default assumption is that ‘he’ refers to John. But perhaps not. The writer is at fault for not being more clear.</p>

<p>I don’t know where you are living now, but it looks like you have a year to work on tuning your ear to English syntax and idiom. SAT readers are trained to grade what is on the paper before them. They may know that you are not a native English speaker, but they aren’t allowed to take that into consideration when grading the essay.</p>

11

<p>Thank you very much for all your help! I’m currently working through writing workbooks and I am beginning to write more essays in hopes of being able to assimilate what I learn into my essays. Also but do you happen to know where I may be able to find the common idioms? The mistakes that I make on the writing practices are not being able to identify the wrong idiom usages.</p>

12

<p>Google “American Idiom” and you will get several sites that deal with idiom. The “English Daily” site is good because it also contains a good section on usage, which is included in what SAT writers consider to be idiom. There is also a dictionary of American and English idiom that has thousands of examples. (I suspect that what you are calling ‘idiom’ is really ‘usage’. Try Googling that term as well. I believe you’ll see that while studying idiom is more fun, usage is what is most often being tested.)</p>