Please help edit, short essays for apps

<p>i am planning to apply to Cornell. need help with short essays. here are the directions and what i have so far. i believe </p>

<p>On a separate sheet of paper, please answer both questions below (maximum of 250 words for each answer). Be sure to include your name and U.S. Social Security number, and staple the page to the back of this form.
• Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you.
• Consider the academic programs in the school/college you indicated above. How will you utilize them to further explore your intended major or field of interest, or general academic interests if you’re undecided?</p>

<p>My intellectual interests are focused primarily around engineering. I have always liked to design and build and wish to continue to do so. Mechanical engineering is appealing to me because I am interested in its applications. One of the applications of mechanical engineering is its role in designing robots. I first encountered this pleasure when I received my first LEGO MINDSTORMS kit. From the kit, I was able to make programmable robots that were only limited in capability by the LEGO pieces that I owned. My creations brought me unlimited joy as I watched them perform their duties. Mechanical claws gripped, conveyor belts moved, gears turned, and sensors activated, all on cue. Thus with each precise movement, my perfect job revealed itself through the form of molded plastic pieces. After the experience of creating robots, I knew that I wanted to be the builder. I wanted to be the person who creates the claw and arm or the drive chain system. I wanted to know why such and such happens when this gear turns or how this energy gets transferred. I not only wanted to build, but I found out that I would rather understand, and through complete understanding would I then be able to achieve greatness. </p>

<p>Upon entrance to the School of Engineering, I will surely get my money’s worth out of my classes and research. This is my investment, and I have no desire to pay for an ordinary college experience. I will milk out every opportunity to explore my field of Mechanical Engineering. I plan on being someone who asks rather than being someone who just listens. I also plan on being an active member of the community, joining clubs like Cornell’s ASTROS, DARPA Grand Challenge, Mini Baja, and Moonbuggy. I may even go the full length and start my own club. Besides fully utilizing Cornell’s engineering classes and clubs, I will also make my presence a familiar sight around Cornell’s engineering library and research labs. Thus, I will make the most of my Cornell experience and further explore my field of interest at the same time, by taking an active role in the community, and making good use of Cornell’s excellent research facilities. </p>

<p>i would really appreciate it some comments and suggestions.</p>

<p>I liked it a lot. You sound like someone who has the makings of a great engineer.
I would just remove some hyperbole because your commitment shows without it and with it, it sounds a little cheesy and a little inflated. For example:
"I not only wanted to build, but I found out that I would rather understand, and through complete understanding would I then be able to achieve greatness. "</p>

<p>Change 'greatness' to 'great success'. </p>

<p>I also would remove the following sentences (they are redundant):
"Upon entrance to the School of Engineering, I will surely get my money’s worth out of my classes and research. This is my investment, and I have no desire to pay for an ordinary college experience. I will milk out every opportunity to explore my field of Mechanical Engineering"</p>

<p>Why do you need to say this? Every good student will aspire to make the most out of the educational opportunity. </p>

<p>Anyway, it's up to you. If you are a flamboyant type with total confidence in yourself, then don't change it.</p>

<p>thanks a lot achat, i really appreciate your helpful comments. anyone else, please help. my deadline's oct 31 and i plan to send it out wednesday evening or thursday morning.</p>

<p>I think you sound unnecessarily arrogant and self-centered in your essay. Colleges are not looking for people that will "milk them out for every opportunity", rather for those who will enrich college environment, while taking advantage of the opportunities.</p>

<p>"my perfect job revealed itself through the form of molded plastic pieces"
"would I then be able to achieve greatness"
"will surely get my money’s worth out of my classes and research"
"I have no desire to pay for an ordinary college experience"
"I will milk out every opportunity"</p>

<p>I would strongly recommend avoiding all of those...</p>

<p>thanks for the tips</p>

<p>....bump....</p>

<p>Hey ghOst33!</p>

<p>It may be too late to post this comment, but you might want to consider getting rid of some of your "to be" verbs, also known as passive voice. My English teacher is adamant about this. Try to change any sentences with the words is, was, be, or being into the active voice. </p>

<p>Example:</p>

<p>"From the kit, I was able to make programmable robots"</p>

<p>Change to:</p>

<p>"From the kit, I created programmable robots"</p>

<p>or</p>

<p>"From the kit, I built programmable robots"</p>

<p>Example:</p>

<p>"and through complete understanding would I then be able to achieve greatness"</p>

<p>Change to:</p>

<p>"and through complete understanding I would achieve great success."</p>

<p>never too late, i always appreciate helpful comments. plus, i was waiting for you</p>

<p>Glad to help. Another pet peeve of my English teacher is when the language is too informal. In your sentence:
"I wanted to know why such and such happens when this gear turns or how this energy gets transferred." You might consider changing "why such and such happens" to "why certain reactions happen," or something similar to that.</p>

<p>i love you, seriously.</p>

<p>Don't encourage me. I can be rather obsessive! lol
I agree with achat's comments about your second paragraph. </p>

<p>Example:
Upon entrance to the School of Engineering, I will surely get my money’s worth out of my classes and research. This is my investment, and I have no desire to pay for an ordinary college experience. I will milk out every opportunity to explore my field of Mechanical Engineering. I plan on being someone who asks rather than being someone who just listens.</p>

<p>Consider this instead:
Upon entrance to the School of Engineering, I plan on being someone who asks rather than someone who just listens.</p>

<p>Also think about changing:
I may even go the full length and start my own club.</p>

<p>to something like this:
I may even start my own club.</p>

<p>It's always good to get rid of words that aren't necessary if you can.</p>