Please help me read my UC Personal Statement Prompt#1

<p>Prompt: What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field — such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities — and what you have gained from your involvement.</p>

<pre><code>One enjoys what he does when one works for what he interests the most. Therefore, I have chosen Computer Science as my favorite. Computer technology is rapidly growing up within years, many things and tasks can be amazingly completed by computer. I became more interested on the structure of a computer and how it functions, and also how to solve problems with them. I have gotten to learn more about computers and apply the knowledge in real life since two unforgettable experiences happened to me.
This was when I was doing my homework with my computer. Suddenly, the computer shut down by itself, and I attempted to restart but it did not work. I tried to find a friend who knew computer very well to help, but he was busy, unfortunately. So I decided to open the computer case and saw what happened inside. Luckily, I figured out that a component on it was blown, so I tried to replace it by myself. Finally, the computer came back to work again. From this moment, I got interested to know more about computer, so I bought some books and went to the Internet to learn how to construct and repair a computer.
After I completely understood the structure of a computer and its software, I began to help others repair their computer voluntarily. I was happy when I successfully fixed others’ computers. I also taught others how to build and repair a computer, so that more people could use computers more wisely. The ability to repair a computer had led me to pursue study in software and mathematical programming.
As a beginner of programming, I tried to create a basic calculation program. In the progress, errors occurred every time I ran the program, but I never gave up and tried to find solutions from the Internet and by asking the teachers. The program finally worked properly after the twists. In ninth grade, my computer teacher invited me to participate on making school website with other schoolmates. Our responsibilities were to produce a website with codes and pictures made by ourselves, and also professional recommendations from our teacher. Once, we had controversy of which programming language should be used to construct a guestbook. After a group discussion, we worked out a solution that made the guestbook optimized and safe with ASP language and MySQL database management. From that day on, I learned mutual respect and encouragement from my peers of the school website creation project. This experience increased my passion of learning Computer Science for more.
From these positive experiences, I can see that Computer Science is what I am really interested, and I understand that problems will be solved if I keep trying and not to give up. With these positive values, I am going to explore computers in-depth by majoring in Computer Science, and apply the knowledge to the real world to make life easier.
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<p>Please help me see if there are any grammatical or punctuational mistakes, and if the contents make sense, thank you very much, I will be very appreciated.</p>

<p>I think it's pretty good but there are still lots of places for improvement.
First, the essay doesn't flow that well, both in language and logic. Try adding more words like "Through..." "Although" etc.
I think you should lose the first sentence too. It's a bit too general.</p>

<p>Other then that, it was good.
good luck!!</p>