Hugs to all who have lost someone they love or even someone they casually know to suicide. We have friends who lost their son 5 years ago. My suggestion is to take your cues from the family. This boy’s parents know a ton of people in the community, and they have been very open regarding their emotional journey, which has made it easier for the community to support them. Mom shares a lot on facebook about their grief and memories. They love when people post pics of their son and share stories or just offer words of caring and encouragement on the tough days (birthday, anniversary of death, holidays.) One thing my H offered a few weeks after the funeral was to invite the dad to go out for a walk. The dad appreciated the opportunity to get out of the house and get some exercise while also being able to talk about things with my H. My H specifically asked him if this is something he would like to do, and the dad said yes, so H went right to “how about Sunday afternoon?” Like someone noted earlier, don’t let a vague invitation to help just hang - make it specific or just show up. This family also participates in the Out of the Darkness walk in our city each year and they get a pretty big group to walk with them, which has been a great way to continue to honor their son’s memory and allow people to feel like they are doing something positive.
Both D and S lost separate, close friends to suicide within a few months. Very tragic.
@jonri it’s hard to explain, but “committed” is a word usually used with crimes, which suicide historically was. Committing a crime is shameful, whereas suicide is not (or should not be). For the survivors, the connotation is harsh.
Many (most?) people believe that those who take their own lives are suffering from mental distress that is beyond their control. Saying that they “commit” the act that terminates their life makes it sound like a willing, knowing act that fully recognizes the consequences of the action, rather than being the sad reaction to life simply overwhelming them, at least temporarily. Just as you wouldn’t say that someone committed cancer (even if it was the result of a choice, like smoking), it seems kinder (to me and others) to avoid the term with suicide.
This comes from my personal experience. Perhaps others will weigh in.
I don’t think it’s always something we can make sense of. I lost two friends to suicide (they were brothers, and I was very close to one- we had been friends for over 20 years). The one I was closest to was engaged and the chief resident at Stanford. He seemed to have everything. He was supposed to visit my husband and me a month later. We had no idea.
Every family and every family member will experience the loss in a different way. Some will continue to struggle greatly years later. Some will never recover. Phrases of how the death occurred are not offensive to myself. People will always say things that others find offensive. Each person needs their own space. Do not judge. Continue to speak about the person. Don’t stop talking about them or it is if they never lived. They are in our memories both good and bad.
Just sending my deepest sympathies and a big hug to you, your H, and this young man’s family.
It is my understanding that sometimes a young person, who has determined on suicide after experiencing a crisis, may appear more upbeat and purposeful, seemingly looking forward to the future again. Because they know their suffering is coming to an end. The crisis may be in the past, very well concealed or, apparently, overcome. And then they go ahead and take their life.
I understand it can fool anyone.
OP, your DH should take care, too. My sister’s best friends lost both of their children within ten days of each other (not suicide). It has significantly changed their relationship as my nephew and his wife have had children and and reach other life milestones. My sister continues to reach out to her friends, and they do things together sometimes, but she said the friendship’s not the same, and in many ways, can never be. She was a bit blindsided by that (and she has lost a child, too), so just something to keep an eye on.
My heart breaks for your friend’s son and his family.
Yes, it affects so many people. A friend of my nephew’s got a tattoo on her arm with his name, date of birth, and date of death. She posted occasionally on Facebook about how much she missed him. A few months ago, she attempted suicide and almost succeeded. 
It’s impossible to describe how much this has shattered my whole family. I wasn’t even that close to my nephew since he lived so far away, but I think about him multiple times a day. It’s like a huge lump in my chest that never goes away.
I wanted to get an extended family photograph this Christmas, but my sister said she just couldn’t do it since her son wouldn’t be in the photo.
An unfortunately timely post. My uncle is in a psychiatric hospital after attempting suicide last week. He has three young adult children, the youngest just about to turn eighteen. His wife passed away twelve years ago, so he is their only parent. We’re all stunned and at a loss at how to go forward and do everything possible to ensure he doesn’t try again. While he has had mental health issues in the past, there was never any sign he would do something like this. He was days away from starting a new job after a period of unemployment and his youngest had just gotten into college. Our best guess was that he was terrified about not being able to cut it at the new job, but that’s obviously not any kind of real explanation. Or maybe he had this in mind for some time and was waiting for his son to be close enough to legal adulthood that there wouldn’t be guardianship issues. We know he had googled information on methods sometime before the attempt.
I know my cousins are finding it especially hard to not be filled with anger. One of his daughters found him and called the ambulance, so she is having a particularly hard time. We all know that isn’t a helpful reaction, but that doesn’t make it any easier as they now have to try to pick up the pieces, both emotionally and logistically.
I can’t imagine the amount of pain it would take for someone to do this. The unfathomable thing is that he seemed so normal to everyone just before it happened. But apparently, that’s a common story.
I believe that only God knows what goes through the mind of a person who wants to die, and that He is merciful to that person. The rest of us have to figure out what it means to be merciful to the surviving friends and family.
At the very least, speaking the person’s name and acknowledging that he lived and was part of the community is helpful and kind. So many times, people are afraid to do this, and risk dehumanizing the person who died.
@Massmomm in total agreement. Recalling memories with family is helpful. People need to be mindful of passing milestones. As younger family and friends pass the final milestones of the lost loved one it seems to bring the grief to a whole new level. Families will need support not only initially but years later during this stage. This seems to be the most difficult.
As my community learned, the suicide of a teen can trigger a suicide cluster…other teens follow suit, for whatever reason. Our cluster lasted almost 2 years. Don’t be surprised if the school is particularly on edge about this.
DH returns to school today, but it will be a teacher in-service day. The students return on Weds. Whatever program the administration had originally planned for today has been cancelled & the day will focus on suicide awareness/prevention and probably some discussion of how to support the students when they return. I believe that A is not planning to come back until Weds.
I can’t speak for all people who suffer from clinical depression and suicidal ideations, but I can tell you that when I was suffering severely, all I could think about was how crappy my life was, and what a “pathetic excuse for a human being” I had become. My self esteem had plummeted so low, I actually believed I didn’t deserve the air I breathed. My thinking had become so mangled and illogical, I became convinced that if I was gone, it would make room for a more worthy human to live, that the resources being wasted to keep me alive could be better allocated.
Falling into the bottomless well of depression is like living with with extreme chronic pain. All you can think about is how much it hurts. You don’t think about what will happen if you were to die, other than to convince yourself all your loved ones (indeed the entire planet) would be better off without you. You can see constant concern for you etched in their faces, and it makes you feel guilty. That guilt also naws away at you. It’s like a poison cherry on top of a $&@! Sundae. Nothing else matters but stopping the pain.
That stage of clinical depression is probably the most dangerous because it’s the point at which you’re actually still capable of feeling something, still capable of performing the actions necessary to kill yourself. But I can also identify with the state of being so inured to anything that you simply sit and stare as if frozen. Your vision glazes over, and the idea of doing anything takes more energy than you seem to have. Your limbs feel leaden, your perceptions all muted. In a perverse way, it’s a releaf from the unrelenting anguish you use to feel, a welcome state of numbness. You’re in a different sort of black hole, but at least this one doesn’t require anything of you.
I think I understand depression. I know that brain chemistry plays a major factor in the faulty thinking and emotional liability that are the hallmarks of this desease. The brain is a major organ of the body, and as subject to disease as any other organ of the body. But no other illness has as many social implications as mental illness. No other illness has the sort of stigma attached it that mental illness has. The United States has the highest suicide rate of the developed world. I’d like to see us place more of a national priority on the treatment of depression and other mental illnesses. I would like us to stop blaming the mentally ill for their affliction. Do we blame people with brain tumors for being sick?
@poetsheart, thanks for sharing. It’s very helpful to read your description of depression.
I was privileged to speak to a group of law enforcement officers about mental illness today. They are going through a week of CIT (Crisis Intervention Team) training sponsored by NAMI. The officers were attentive and asked good questions. I was able to tell them that we’ve had positive experiences every time we’ve had to call 911 for our kids. It’s encouraging to see towns and states paying to send their officers to training like this so they’ll know how to respond during a mental health crisis.
Depression is real and it seems to be very common among the most talented. Too often we see bright students pushing themselves further and further under the misguided idea that their dream school will be the ticket to their success. What ends up happening is simple. They break! I’ve witnessed it in my own family. My wife was one of those high school students. 22 years ago, she graduated as a 68 pound valedictorian with anexoria nervosa. No dream school is worth that! Parents can help these kids by giving them reassurance based on prudence and practicality. Teach them that life is not a competition, but rather a complex world of opportunities. Self-esteem should never be placed on the judgment or opinions of others. Rejection is simply a normal part of life, but can also open doors to other opportunities. Each son or daughter is unique with their own unique gifts and talents, and everyone has an opportunity to contribute in their own unique way. College selection is a matter of “right fit” based on desired interests and financial considerations. There’s never anything wrong with accepting a scholarship when a dream school may cause financial strain. Most importantly, the college does not make the student. It’s the student that makes the college. There is no such thing as a “lesser” college. With hard work and perseverance, they will be successful no matter which college they choose.
^^^ Totally agree. I still think about the handsome, smart athlete I knew in high school who hung himself. I will never forget how devastated his parents looked after. He had been through a break-up, but no one ever would have thought he of all people would do such a thing. I also lost an old friend recently who was always upbeat, the life of the party. Sometimes people seem to hide the dark thoughts, then everyone is left wondering what they could have done.
I feel for my kids when something doesn’t go right for them and they’re knocked down, but I also think it’s important to learn how to weather disappointment. There’s always a new opportunity around the corner.
The return to school went well. A pair of counselors followed the boy’s normal schedule so they were present in each class that had a now-empty desk. DH reported some tears in his class that the boy had been in. A also returned and had a counselor in his room all day. His day went alright as well & he has expressed interest in joining DH and their other friends for an activity in a couple weeks.
DH talked with his students in each class, asking if they had someone they could go to if they were in trouble. Most did. Then he asked if that person was a parent - in most cases it was not. I’m still pondering that one - what are parents for if not to help their kids when they are in trouble?
I’m glad to hear the return went well.
I think kids may not go to their parents if they aren’t close to them, or if they are close to them but don’t want them to worry.