@GertrudeMcFuzz , I encouraged my kids to come to me with anything, but I also made it clear that it was perfectly okay for them to go to another trusted adult. Sometimes kids don’t want to share things with their parents, for the reasons @suzy100 stated.
When my daughter confessed years ago that she was cutting herself, I felt like it was a privilege that she felt safe telling me. I knew I had to tread very carefully with this information, setting up her appointments without freaking out. (I was particularly proud of myself for commending her for sanitizing her cutting implements in the dishwasher!!) Inside, of course, I was a wreck. It may not be possible for some parents to hold it together (and yes, there were subsequent times when I did freak out , which shut her down), and this is why their kids are afraid to tell.
I cannot stress this strongly enough: When a kid has a mental illness, the whole family should be in therapy.
Yes, times 1000! I would add, “Take a NAMI Family to Family class, also.” So helpful to find out information and resources that aren’t available anywhere else.
@GertrudeMcFuzz When we were just out of college my best friend’s younger brother took his own life. A group us, friends of the brothers, were pall bearers and then went back out the farm after the funeral and just hung out, ran the dogs, played frisbee and more or less “put on” a normal afternoon for their mother. According to other family members she really, really appreciated life going on and young people being alive and active. It took a while for a normal rhythm to reestablish itself in that rural home, but not walking on eggshells when we were there was a big part of it.
Thanks @StPaulDad - I think there is a lot to that. DH invited his gang over yesterday to do their usual activity & A was among them. Two weeks ago he had stated that he couldn’t envision ever partaking in this activity again, since his son had joined in often. But he got himself there yesterday & said he had realized that even though he will always always be sad, he has to find some joy somewhere to keep himself going.
Ugh. Reading Gertrude saying “while their home is restored to habitability” gave me chills, imagining all sorts of awfulness.
How terrible for the family, on top of their tragic loss.
Two people close to me have committed suicide. Neither told anyone nor gave any indication that this was the plan. One spoke to my mother before he did it, and she did feel weird about it, and told me (I was not home). I think she was picking up on the finality.
This is my experience. The ones telling people and putting out social media about it aren’t generally the ones in imminent danger. They are making a cry for help. It is the quiet ones.
@TranquilMind , my daughter had a similar experience with a college classmate. She was chatting with her because they happened to be on the same shuttle bus heading back to campus, and the following week, the other student killed herself in her dorm room.My daughter had no clue, and she suffers from depression herself.
These things shatter a community and cause suffering for years. At the baccalaureate service this past spring, a full two years later, parents and students wept when the girl’s name was read as one of the students “no longer with us.”
“I guess I’m struggling to understand how there could have been no signs. DH says he saw nothing that indicated that B was in trouble.”
My nephew who graduated from Penn says they call it “Penn Face” which roughly means that everything looks fine on the outside and it’s hiding what’s going on behind the mask. (Which doesn’t have to mean depression, but can be extreme stress covered up by “everything’s fine.”) I think there are lots of younger people very skilled at this.
