Please help score my SAT essay

Test Preparation
1

<p>Please be critical and give any advice if possible. Thank you!</p>

<p>Assignment: Are there ever circumstances in which violence is an appropriate solution to a problem?</p>

<pre><code>Violence is never the solution under any conditions. Problems can be more easily solved with communication than with fights. Violence only leads to more violence.

The Trojan War lasted for 10 years resulting in thousands of deaths and little gain for both sides. It started when Athena, Aphrodite, and Hera fought over who was the fairest. They asked a fair young lad named Paris to decide. Paris chose Aphrodite who promised to award him with the fairest woman in the land as wife. That woman is Helen. Helen was already married to M. Because Helen had so many suitors, Odysseus, who feared wars would break out over her, proposed that Helen has the right to choose her husband and that all the rejected suitors have to protect Crete if war broke out over her. Helen eloped with Paris and all the nations sailed to Troy to bring her back. This began the 10 year siege. Both sides would not give in. War only lead to more war. If Paris had taken a step back and give Helen back, the war would’ve been shortened and lives would’ve been saved. If the kings would realize how foolish it is to kill people for one woman, oath, then family and friends would not have died. There would to be so much suffering and pain.

The Holocaust was an event that was led by Hitler against Jews because he thought that Jews were less humans than Germans He thought that Jews were not as intelligent, rational, and the Germans were a superior race. Hitler used violence to control the Jews. He set up concentration camps, massive burial grounds, and massive incinerators, to eliminate the Jews. The Jews had to survive through extremely harsh conditions. They were given little to no food and even less water. On top of that, they had to do backbreaking work, such as mining coal, from sunup to sundown. They were given soups made out of the Jews who could not survive! This inhumane treatment did not lead to peace. It lead to more wars. Other countries heard of this and went to war with Germany. Violence did not solve anything. It resulted in more deaths, pain, and suffering. This would have happened is the Germans tried to understand the Jews rather than alienate them as inferiors and use them as slaves.
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2

<p>Let’s start from the top.</p>

<p>Your thesis goes a little far. Simply state your answer “Violence is never the solution under any conditions.” But do not go on to say “Problems can be more easily solved with communication than with fights. Violence only leads to more violence.” This just means you have to prove this (which you don’t), and you don’t need to. Instead say something like “Historical events show the failure of violence as a solution.” </p>

<p>Your choice of example for the first body paragraph is great, but the actual happening of the Trojan War has not been proven. Therefore, you should state where you read about it. Further, don’t use hypothetical solutions in your paragraph (which is also why you shouldn’t have said communication is a better solution). I’m not too familiar with the Trojan War, but what you should end such a paragraph is with how the violence did not solve anything. What happened to Helen? Did the war help at all?</p>

<p>With the second body paragraph, again, don’t use hypotheticals. This paragraph is actually pretty good (content wise) except for that last sentence. </p>

<p>Also, do include a conclusion even it is just one sentence. You must tell the reader your essay is finished, and to repeat your argument.</p>

<p>Finally, pardon my asking, but are you a second language English speaker or did you type this up after handwriting it? You have quite a few typos/bad grammar. Make it just a little better, and it’ll be harder to notice, thus a better score. </p>

3

<p>I agree with Woandering. The grammar needs some work. You’re introduction is okay, but there is a huge topical leap the reader has to make from the intro to the first paragraph. Higher level essays tend to link paragraphs together. </p>

<p>Now your body paragraphs need to be improved quite a bit. First of all, there is no main point. Instead, both of them are just descriptions of examples in history, but these examples spend more words on description rather than analysis and tying it back to the thesis. Instead, think about how each event can prove your thesis first. Then, selectively choose details about the event that will back this up.</p>

<p>Taking your idea that violence only leads to more violence, we’ll start with Troy. Firstly, mention that the Illiad describes the Trojan War. Then, instead of summarizing the whole exposition, chose details that show the growing scale of violence: Paris takes Helen, Greeks go to war, neither side admits defeat, a wonderful city is destroyed. </p>

<p>Alternatively, you could focus on how the war ruins Achilles: he is destined to fight till death, he finds a woman he ‘loves’, that woman is taken away, his best friend is killed, he goes on a rampage and kills the hero of Troy, he gets killed with an arrow. This would demonstrate how the violent lifestyle of Achilles inevitably leads to destruction.</p>

<p>In terms of the Holocaust example, show this snowball of violence again, with more concrete examples: The world blames Germany for WW1, German’s want revenge on the world, Hitler satisfies the german people by generating hate for Jews, Millions of jews are slaughtered. Germany is bombed, Russia invades and ravages it. So, ultimately the violence of the Germans boomeranged.</p>

<p>Those are just my opinions. Try rewriting this essay. You could use some of the examples I gave. If you post the new essay, i’ll be happy to read it.</p>

4

<p>Thank you Woandering and Ajtalkar! Your advice was really helpful and I did type this up after I had handwritten it. </p>

<p>I rewrote the essay. Can you guys give me a score from 1- 12 for this essay please. Thank you!</p>

<pre><code>Historical events show the failure of violence as a solution.

In the Illiad by Homer, the Greeks fought in the Trojan War for ten long years over a woman. Nothing good came out of this war. Thousands of innocent people were killed and enslaved. A beautiful city was brought to ruins. Family and friends were killed. The relatives and friends of the people killed wanted to avenge their deaths. It lead to a never ending cycle of revenge and hate. Both sides gained little from this war. Troy was plundered and the goods and slaves were divided amongst the Greeks. Both sides had high casualties. After the war, the Greek gods were displeased at how they destroyed the temples and city and made it difficult for them to sail back home. More than 1000 ships sailed to Troy to fight but less than 100 embarked on the journey home. Almost none received a warm welcome when they returned home. Helen was exiled by her stepsons. Odysseus spent 10 years sailing back to Ithica. When he got back he found his kingdom overtaken by foreign kings. Teucer was denied by his father Telamon to come home. Telamon believed that Teucer was part of the cause of his half brother Ajax’s death. The results of the violent war were pain, suffering, and hate.

The Holocaust was an event filled with violence. It did not solve the economic problem in Germany. Instead, other nations wanted to defeat Germany and end the Holocaust. Hitler was the leader of the Holocaust. He made Germans believe that they were a superior race to the Jews. He thought that Jews were not as intelligent or rational. Instead of coming up with a peaceful solution that would use the strengths of the people to make the country stronger, Hitler used violence to control the Jews. He set up concentration camps, massive burial grounds, and massive incinerators to eliminate the Jews. The Jews had to survive through extremely harsh conditions. They were given little food and water. They forced Jews to do backbreaking work such as mining coal from sunup to sundown. The enslaved Jews were given soups containing cooked human flesh that were made from the Jews who could not survive! This inhumane treatment did not lead to peace. Eliminating millions of Jews did not benefit the Nazis. They thought they had the right to take away other human’s rights so they could build a stronger empire. The Holocaust failed and Germany was defeated. Due to violence, millions were killed, nothing was achieved, and the suffering was magnified and prolonged.

The Trojan War and the Holocaust demonstrates how violence leads to further suffering and pain rather than peace and prosperity.
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