Please help with my essay for GTown!!

<p>I'm applying EA and I can't seem to come up with a decent essay at all. Please tell me your thoughts on this one, I know its not good, but does it have any hope at all?? Thanks!!</p>

<p>The line seemed to be moving a centimeter an hour and despite having removed my jacket only a few minutes ago, I was already suffocating with heat. I looked over and beyond the baggage check point, I could discern the outline of my mother, waving at me with an anxious look on her face. After about half an hour, I had gotten farther ahead in the line and could no longer see my mother and suddenly, I realized that I was completely alone. I’m the type that gets happy when parents go away, but for perhaps the first time in my life, I found myself wishing that my mom were there to guide me through this. The feeling was so foreign to my mind that it was easy to convince myself that I should be enjoying this experience. Stuck halfway between two emotions, I spent the remainder of my time in the line eavesdropping on conversations, which ranged from reminiscences about long lines during the Soviet Era to advice about where to shop in Berlin.<br>
I was flying from Moscow to New York about a week after the September 11th tragedy. After watching news reports, I was expecting very tight security and trouble carrying my flute on the plane with me. But no one even opened the case. Perhaps a few hours ago, this would have scared me, but by this point, those emotions had left me and I was left with the more sensible part of my mind. Instead of having a heart attack every time someone got out of his or her seat, I read Villette by Emily Bronte.
When I got off at Amsterdam, I was faced with my next challenge. My ears felt like they would burst and when I tried to say something, it felt like I was just moving my mouth because I couldn’t hear a word I was saying. Added to the problem was that after more than a year of speaking only Russian, my English was more than a little bit rusty. Even if my pronunciation wasn’t perfect, my knowledge of English was what really got me through the rest of my journey. Everyone who worked at the airport could understand me. I made effective use of this, asking stewardesses from Beijing for directions and buying food at MacDonald’s with Canadian dollars. I truly realized what a convenient, international language English is. Because I was able to exchange words with people from a different country, I saved myself a lot of confusion. Knowing a common language is almost the only way to do this. I wanted to walk around and continue using English, but before I knew it, my time was up and it was time for the last stage of my journey.
My last flight was filled with people from all over the world, talking in every tongue imaginable. I was expecting a bunch of American tourists, but this was probably one of the most diverse groups I had ever been part of. We were all heading towards the same place, but every individual had something new to bring to it. Everyone had his or her own hopes and dreams about life in a new country. I thought of my dad, who had moved to a different world in order to provide a better life for his family. I was still upset about having to move, but seeing the world at large made me look forward to experiencing life in a different country. One day, when I graduate from college, I’ll use all the opportunities I had to contribute my part towards uniting the world. But the future seemed far away, so I pulled out my copy of Villette again and traveled to another world again, this time not only through covering distance, but also by going back in time.</p>

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<p>Is it really that bad??</p>

<p>what is the topic? No, it's not that bad.</p>

<p>Here's the topic:
The Admissions Committee would like to know about you in your own words. Pease submit a brief essay, either autobiographical or creative, which you feel best describes you.</p>

<p>The essay is not a bad start, but I would fix it up a little. The first paragraph is really good. The only thing I would do it break it up into multiple paragraphs. But the essay looses focus in the second paragraph. It goes from an internal meditation of your life to a day in the life. I would stick with descibring your emotions and feelings at the airport. The essay needs to be focused on one topic. But overall, the essay is not that bad.</p>

<p>"a bunch" - that phrase does not work.</p>

<p>I think this is an okay essay. It is coherent, and the topic hasn't been hammered into the ground. I am guessing you were overseas for a year (Russia?) but this isn't explicitly stated--and it might be a good idea.</p>

<p>Your language is relatively coherent and clear, but pretty boring. I would like to see more colorful language and active verbs. "The line seemed to move..." could easily become "The line [of what] snaked lazily around the airport lobby, moving slow like the hot August afternoon". Use vivid imagery and avoid telling...</p>

<p>Also, for some reason you come off a little childish with going on an airplane without your mom... perhaps you could play down being nervous and/or alone and come across more confident?</p>

<p>Last paragraph is cliche... at least the part about "graduating from college one day"... and you don't reveal yourself very much throughout the essay. Probably your biggest problem, actually... I don't get a sense of who YOU are because you talk so much about the flight, the security, being nervous, etc. You need to reveal something about yourself... not your timidity and trepidation, but how you dealt with the situation and SHOW us, please.</p>