Please Rate my Chinese student's essay

<p>This essay comes from one of my students in Tianjin, I’m looking forward to any comment!! </p>

<p>OC Test 2</p>

<p>Are bad choices and good choices equally likely to have negative consequence?</p>

<p>Why Socrates in Greek and Confucius in China are still well-known in the whole world? Are their theories unbreakable? Are their methods able to heritage from era to era? Definitely not. Though Confucius stated out the point of benevolence, also he deprived oneself of right of independence (means that people need to obey the hierarchy). Every choice that has been made suffers a corresponding and contemporary flaw. In the choice-maker-society, the choice-has-been-made is strikingly support the development and aslo serves as a promising and hopeful force in the era. </p>

<p>Technology I loved and next to technology Epoch. Every theory comes from its own era, being the best choice for people of that age. For the fact that human apply the knowledge to practice daily life; different life in different era has different methods to make progress, however what really matters is what provide an opportunity to improve the manpower. Walt , the reformer of steam engine, altered the course of life; he brought us the age of steam----industrialization become the main stream for the society. Whereas, the steam engine of industrial revolution is not only a source of high manpower, but also a significant source of pollution. We would never accompany with a good atmosphere as we enjoyed in the last century. In the Epoch of 17 century, people has no sense of enormous cost of environment. No doubt, the industrial revolution was a good choice, but also is a negative choice.</p>

<p>Further more, the famous British economist Adam Smith, the author of Wealth of Nations and the representer of classic economy. He was a complete sponsor and advocator of his theory----the modern free-market. His theory was a source of happiness satisfaction for the capitalism society: businessmen competed against the mastery of the market in different fields, they enjoyed the benefit they exploited from the nature, and used the money to make much more money, meantime the money propelled the development of industrialization. It could be seen as the best theory in the era. However, it still cannot overcome conquer obstacles of the age limitations. In the 1930s, came the massacre diaster----Economy Crisis. After enough time to compete in the market, the monopoly capitalism came to break the order, the immerse of them distinct the reasonable competition. During the crisis, many people died and many businessmen, for the sake, rather pour the milk made by the plants than shared them to the homeless. Then the good choice went away, came a very bad effect. Then the new one of State Monopoly Capitalism established by John Maynard Keynes has saved the people out from the devil. But how long can it last, will some more advanced replace the current circumstance?</p>

<p>This a mission unpredictable. The strange phenomenon of good choices usually becomes bad will last forever. Were no that phenomenon, no revolve of the social root----economy, which leads people to a happy endless.</p>

<p>it makes NO SENSE~!!</p>

<p>What’s your take on this topic?</p>

<p>I am aware of the the inconsistency and irrelevance in this essay, just like to have a grasp the possible score for one like that, thanx</p>

<p>0 for ideas
9 for the length</p>

<p>what this essay will get from REAL ESSAY GRADERS:
most likely a 6 due to its length
i know that this essay does not deserve a 6
but that’s the reality: longer essays still score higher
:/</p>

<p>if i were the grader i would give this essay a 0-2</p>

<p>^^^^^^^Can’t agree more.</p>

<p>Oh, Jesus. If I were the grader, I’d give it a 1 for being somewhat coherent.</p>

<p>ah, yes, english the inferior language</p>

<p>Neworiental><Guess I ran into someone (or something) I recognize…</p>

<p>This essay is so Neworiental dude><And now you see how Americans view neworiental essays.</p>

<p>As a Chinese myself I’d say the essay is pretty coherent. I would give it somewhat 10 to 12 base on a simple criteria:
it is about the same level as mine, and I got a 11…</p>

<p>One thing I am curious is that–how long did this person take to write this?</p>

<p>How about you guys learn a foreign language and attempt to write an essay before you complain about it not being coherent? The student made an attempt to write an essay and given the circumstances, I think they did a good job. You can get the ‘general’ idea of what the writer is trying to say, but the intuitive sense isn’t there yet.</p>

<p>Now that I try to translate this essay into Chinese (which is a native language of mine), it’s starting to make more sense. The thing is, the graders won’t know that. </p>

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<p>I’ve learned French and have written several essays (including one on the AP French Language exam; I got a 5 on that test).</p>

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<p>what are you trying to say? neworiental is an instructor or a tutor of some sort b/c this is not an essay written by neworiental him/herself but by his Chinese student.</p>

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<p>Obviously the SAT measures ENGLISH skills, not Chinese.
In addition the essay graders examine the SAT test in an English linguistic point-of-view.
I still do not get the “central” or “general” idea of this essay. I still have a hard time figuring out what the thesis is.</p>

<p>You’ve stated that your essay is of comparative quality to this essay and you got an 11. I do not understand your level, so how about you post your 11-pointer-essay exactly as shown in the College Board’s website? The College Board provides you an electronic copy of your essay.</p>

<p>i speak chinese and i cant understand it. granted, the person who wrote this doesn’t have the best circumstances, but does Collegeboard care?</p>

<p>First, I didn’t teach the kids any sort of formulaic skill to write a “Neworiental” style essay.
Second, I do agree on the ground that the point made in this essay is somewhat ambiguous which can significantly compromise the coherence.
Third, one of my students email the pdf version of his essay in Oct sat test, and fairly speaking, the overall expression didnot justify a 10… That’s why I’m a little bit uncertain about the essay criteria…</p>

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<p>The English used in the essay is incoherent in and of itself. The ambiguity (i.e. lack of thesis) isn’t as large a factor in the incoherency as the actual English is.</p>

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<p>Take screenshots and upload to Imageshack. Post the links on this thread and have some of the CC members see why it got a 10 (or if, maybe–just maybe–your student was lying).</p>