Please rate my SAT essay out of 12

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private?

In the age of social networking websites, concentrated efforts must be made to keep things private. Sharing too much may harm someone’s life or even cause the downfall of a whole empire. Several events in history and literature evince the fact that privacy is crucial.

In 1680, the tempestuous Deccan Wars took place with the Mughal Emperor Aurangzeb’s invasion of The Maratha enclave in Birguj, India. Sambaji, the commander of The Marathas, sent two secret-agents to the Mughal Emperor. Credulous Aurangzeb fell into the trap and shared almost all the strategies of his attack to the agents. This, in turn, caused the defeat of The Mughal Emperor and eventually its collapse. Had he kept his privacy in check, his empire could’ve avoided losing.

Secondly, in the epic The Odyssey, Penelope, the wife of Odysseus, was a quintessential of a privacy keeper. When Odysseus returned home acting as a beggar, Penelope knew that the beggar was actually Odysseus. However, she did not reveal his identity. She did not reveal this private fact. Later, she held a bow-arrow competition in which she invited Odysseus who then killed all the suitors of Penelope. This example crystallizes the fact that keeping some things private can have some beneficial outcomes.

Finally, Ronald D. Kevin, the millionaire CEO of RobinMusic.com, is a paragon of sufferering the consequences of keeping his privacy low. When asked about some insider information about his company which recently went public, he readily revealed a lot of data which should not have been revealed. Two months and fourteen days later, on 24th July 2012, Kevin was held guilty for insider trading. Hence, not keeping important things private have serious consequences.

To reiterate, the events of The Mughal Emperor’s defeat, Odysseus’s victory and Kevin’s guilty evince the fact that privacy is a matter that should he taken seriously. Failing to keep things private may have serious consequences.

2

Bump… please?

3

I’d give it an 9. You really need a lot more detail in your paragraphs. I’d recommend sticking to 2 body paragraphs because if you try to write 3, you won’t have enough support for all three.

4

Yeh, I would give it a 10. It follows the template perfectly with historical examples and so on. Seems like you are trying hard. The language is sometimes awkward or doesn’t fit.

5

@sattut‌ @sonofgod908‌ thanks for your comments. What should I work on in order to get a 12? What part is lacking? Is adding more details enough to get a 12?

6

In the 2nd paragraph, for example, remove or replace “tempestuous”. Change “took place” to “began” or “involved” or something. Insert “The” before “credulous”. “to the agents” should be “with the agents”. Eliminate or replace “in turn”. Change “kept his privacy in check”.

There are serious errors with wording. Many of the sentences are awkward and/or incorrect grammatically. Think you are trying to hard to use sophisticated phrasing and vocabulary, and it results in bad writing.

7

This is better version of paragraph 2 with some light editing.

The Deccan Wars began in 1680 with the Mughal Emperor Aurangzeb’s invasion of the Maratha enclave in Birguj, India. Sambaji, the commander of The Marathas, sent two secret agents to the Mughal Emperor. The credulous Aurangzeb fell into the trap, and shared most of the strategies of his attack with the agents. This caused the defeat of the Mughal empire and its eventual collapse. If the Emperor had kept his plans private, he probably would not have lost the war and his empire.

8

I played with it some more. You follow the template really well, but your writing style is lacking.

In 1680 the Mughal Emperor Aurangzeb commenced the Deccan Wars by ordering the invasion of the Maratha enclave in Birguj, India. Sambaji, the commander of The Marathas, sent two spies to infiltrate the court of the Mughal Emperor. Through various ploys they gained access to the emperor. The credulous Aurangzeb fell into Sambaji’s trap, and discussed most of his strategies for the attack with the agents. Sambaji used this intelligence to defeat the Mughal Empire, which eventually collapsed. If the emperor had kept his plans private, he might not have lost the war and his empire.

9

This would likely score an 8 from two graders. Your thesis is clear, you provide three relevant examples with some good detail, and the essay is well-organized.

To improve: Go from three examples to two and elaborate more. Aside from more details, provide more analysis, i.e. at the end of each body paragraph, you should discuss how your examples relate to the prompt beyond a quick “This example shows why keeping things private is so important.” I’d back off as well on the use of SAT vocabulary when it’s just being used to shoehorn fancy words into your prose. Proper diction doesn’t necessarily = big fancy words, it means using the right word for the job. The words “evince, tempestuous, quintessential, crystallizes, paragon” are either used incorrectly or unnecessarily. For example, the word “example” is a fine word, and using “paragon” in its place doesn’t add much besides “fancy” language.