Please read and critique my personal statement for St. John's University

<p>here it is thanks</p>

<p>Most parents would never allow their children to tamper with expired medicine, and my parents were the same. However, I recall on Saturday morning about twelve years ago when my parents placed the garbage on the curb. When they left, my curious neurons dragged me there, and I uncovered some white bottles filled with tablets and capsules. Reading the bottles, I found out that they could “relieve upset gastroinsteninals,” and “, alleviate sore throat.” After my mother scolded at me, I wondered how these tiny tablets could annihilate these monstrous illnesses. The aforementioned episode and many others all had a profound effect upon me that would help me achieve a career pharmacy.
After I my 16th birthday, I was employed at as a T-Mobile Salesman. On the first of the job, my boss explained to me only small matters such as bill payments and account lookups. He neglected on most important works such as how to sell phones and fix a phone problem. During the early days, my boss did not even look at me due to my poor performance. As a result, I was constantly yelled at by customers. I felt like my boss threw me into the lion’s den. Resilient, I taught myself all the necessary information. In effect, customers flocked to the store to buy phones from me, and I am able to run the store alone.
Every day on the job, there were customers who had a stingy attitude. For instance, one customer would usually hand me a phone with a problem and tell me to fix it, and I would have to play around with it to remedy it. Moreover, there would be “clever” customers who would try to outsmart when I persuade them to buy a phone. In one case, a customer threw questions at me like a machine gun about a phone like if it was shatter proof or it could work in Jamaica. All in all, working at the store gave me the ability to think under pressure. Additionally, the area the store was in was a salad bowl filled with people from Europe, Asia, Latin America, and Africa. Due to many returning customers, I had the privilege to become part of that community and give back with exceptional phone service and humor. Overall, working as a salesman morphed me into a competent individual who was able to think under pressure, appreciate hard work, and to never give up.
When it came to academics, I was this student who had a malleable mind and had an exorbitant amount of potential. I excelled in the sciences and mathematics in school and life. It was rare if somebody did not see me without a science book in my hand such as The Elegant Universe or The Living World.
It is my theory that pharmacy and cell phone selling are almost, but not quite, interchangeable. A pharmacist is a salesman who sells and explains his/her medicine, and T-Mobile employees sell and explain their phones. Both require the ability to work hard and are important aspects of the community. In addition, due to my desire in science, naturally, pharmacy would be the perfect career for me. I know the path is not a crystal staircase, but I am up to the challenge.</p>

<p>Hi there!
First of all, read this out loud and you will pick up a lot of typos. I also have a few general tips about the tone of your essay.
Make sure you don’t come off as too cocky; for example, you may want to rephrase “I am able to run the store alone.” You want to be confident of yourself when writing an application essay, but over-doing it will not win you any points with the admissions officers.
With your essay, I think you have all the right ideas in there, they just need to be reordered.
Talk about your passion for science and math near the beginning of the essay, after the story about the pills in the garbage.
I think you should then start showing the similarities between being a cell phone salesman and a pharmacist earlier on in the essay. I thought this was a very good point made in your essay but if you make the point earlier, you can then elaborate on it throughout the essay. For example, you could follow this with the part about the difficult situations customers put you in.
You are doing well so far, and remember, it is ok to write 20 drafts for an essay this important!</p>