Please read, new essay, prompt 5

Not sure how much I like this one:

The first time the little girl in the pink polka dot bathing suit fell in, I sprang up, ready to jump in. But her mother was there and quickly picked her up, scolding her about playing near water too deep. Nervous, I slowly sat back down, scanning the water.
The second time the little girl in the pink polka dot bathing suit fell in, she was in the shallow end. Running, she tripped over her clumsy, childish feet and fell into the water. Again, I half stood, half jumped off my guard stand to the pool deck. But the little girl stood up, tears running down her face as her mother came to comfort her. She had no cuts, no scrapes, and the tears ended as quickly as they started. I sat back down.
The third time, the little girl in the pink polka dot bathing suit was in an inner tube. It was green, and the light reflected off the top of it. She was rocking back and forth in the water, giggling, the previous incidents forgotten. But she tipped too far, and fell back into the water. Her legs were stuck in her tube, trapping her under water.

This time, I sprang off my chair, guard tube in hand, and, blasting my whistle twice, jumped into the water. Hurriedly swimming, my eyes focused on her at all times, I sprinted towards the green inner tube. Once I reached the tube, I pushed her legs out of the tube, and pulled her out of the water. Carrying the coughing, spluttering, little girl in my arms, I swam to the side of the pool. When the coughing stopped, the tears started, and for the third time that day, her mother came to comfort her.

On the second day of my first job, I had to save a life.
It came as a shock to no one that I wanted to be a lifeguard. It was a great first job for me because I am a water rat and avid swimmer, drawn to water like a magnet. I also wanted to get a really good tan. After taking the certification course, I applied for a job at my county parks department as a lifeguard. I didn’t realize the full responsibilities I would have as a lifeguard. Sure, I watched the pool. I knew all the saves, for active and passive victims, and even for those with head and neck injuries. I learned CPR, how to use an AED, and first aid for everything from sunburn to fractures. What I had to prepare myself for, which I had never done before, was watch people, making sure they are safe in and out of the water.

All my life, I have been watched, by people whose job it is to make sure I am safe. After my first save, I realized it was now my job to keep people safe, especially those who can’t save themselves. I found myself unconsciously telling kids to walk when I wasn’t working, making sure everyone was safe and following the rules. Even after my summer was over, I found the lasting impact of lifeguarding apparent. I was more organized, needing fewer reminders to complete work. I even became more confident, defending my ideas of what I thought was right in school, on everything from scientific theories to political issues. Now in senior year, I am better prepared for the rigorous coursework I face every day.
When I came back last summer for my second year of lifeguarding, I wasn’t the same unsure, nervous guard I was before. I was confident in my skills, confident in my actions, and confident in my words. And halfway through the summer, when a little boy in blue shark swimming trunks started struggling in the deep end, I knew exactly what to do.

I think it’s excellent, but you should never post your essays online!

Thanks, is there anything else I should do to edit it?

Figure out a way to condense the first 2 paragraphs into 1 sentence. I might only read your first 2 paragraphs and thus will have read nothing about you or your fit into my college.

Minor quibbles:

  1. "Hurriedly swimming, my eyes focused on her at all times, I sprinted towards the green inner tube." Obviously you were swimming, because you just told us you jumped into the water. Presumably you were hurrying, because a kid was drowning and it was your job to save her. "Sprinted" also conveys that you were moving quickly, so the "hurriedly swimming" part is doubly redundant.
  2. "After my first save, I realized it was now my job to keep people safe, especially those who can’t save themselves." I get what you mean (I think) -- that it didn't fully hit home until after you actually saved someone -- and that's totally understandable. But because keeping people safe is the basic job duty of a lifeguard, this sentence could come across a bit as though you didn't know what a lifeguard was, or as though you didn't realize something obvious. Like, if you were hired as a cashier, would you say, "After my first customer, I realized that it was now my job to ring people up"? No, because that's the whole point of being a cashier, and hopefully you'd already have been aware of that when you applied for the cashier job. Again, what you really mean (if I'm correctly interpreting what you really mean) is a totally legitimate feeling: it's easy to know intellectually that it's your job to potentially save lives, and quite another to understand it viscerally, to actually save the life of a specific person in the flesh. But I think you could reword it to make that clearer.

Overall, though, I thought it was a distinctive story and compellingly told.

@jpheys Thanks for your analysis I have realized there are a couple major things I need to change.
I’m applying to UVA and UNC-CH and they are my top choices. Will this essay be enough to get me in?