Many people have looked down on me over the years. I was never picked in dodgeball. In soccer, I was sat down on the bench like a kind of doll to be showed around but to never be used. I felt miserable but not for these reasons. It turns out that I was born with the congenital disease of Cryptorchidism, a rare disease where the testes themselves do not descent to the scrotum. Without my self-esteem, I didn’t even want to play.
I grew up in Orlando, Florida. In preschool all the way up through eighth grade, I was a normal kid. I laughed and played and made plenty of friends. However, when I entered high school, I was forced to take gym. Now my parents tried to get me exempt but the state said that I had to take this class. Seeing no way out, I enrolled to P.E. In the locker room, people laughed at my sterile, pathetic-looking sacs. Kids joked about how I was a male Eunuch or a he-she. On top of that, I was smaller than them and I took it like a beating.
Today, I have grown up and while still sterile, I have used my sterility to achieve high academic standards. Unlike others who were hampered by their testosterone and natural sex drive, I was like a monk, totally dedicated to the Religion that was School. I maintained at 4.5 GPA and I am going to graduate with 34 credits. I really would like to attend your university. My less than average testicular volume is more than exceeded by my lack of libido and my love for scholarship. Choosing me will be like choosing the future.
<p>thanks in advance!</p>
<p>Exclude the sentence about your gpa and credits.</p>
<p>Don’t beg them to let you into their college… the ending sentence is also a bit too cliche.</p>
<ol>
<li>I am curious about why you haven’t had corrective surgery.</li>
<li>I think that an essay about your genitals would simply be embarassing to the adcoms. You’ve given them more info about yourself than they’d choose to know. Surely there’s something else that you could focus your essay on.</li>
</ol>
<p>When I served on an internship committee for a company, we saw an application from a student who started her essay, “I had a ***** until I was 13.” The essay was about how she had had corrective surgery on her potruding navel, but it was not something that the committee preferred to know about.</p>
<p>I think that you can sell the adcoms on what you have to offer their college without your focusing your essay on your undescended testicles.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>These two sentences are just too blatant (the first one is too “look what I can do” and the second one is kinda whiny…).</p>
<p>I think that the topic (at least in the way that you dealt with it) is innapropriate…It is too much of “feel sorry for me” instead of being, look what I have had to deal with and how I have dealt with it…I mean, you kinda did this, but I think the tone was way off…With this type of essay (A very personal hardship) you need to COMPLETELY avoid any whining or pity-searching…they have heard it all…you need to really focus on what you have done IN SPITE of your handicap, not on how you have been hurt by your handicap…</p>
<p>BTW, I am really not making a personal attack or saying that this isnt a real problem…I am strictly making my points in terms of what makes a good and bad college essay…</p>
<p>it’s not bad…but u might wanna change the last few sentences.</p>
<p>thx for advice guys</p>
<p>I think you should put more energy and “passion” into your sentences… like make them flow better. I mean, some of them are blatant and “dry”… like it would be fine if it was a paper for biology or physics, where facts are facts regardless of how you word them, but it would be a stretch even for an English Lit essay. The wording, the diction, the tone… they are all important. Look into literary devices and put some spunk into it… like, parallism, antithesis, metynomy… and such…</p>
<p>oh, and do something about the topic too. I agree that it’s kind of person and adcomms might be speechless not knowing how to react.</p>
<p>sorry… didn’t like it</p>
<p>no offense…i don’t like it either. Not going off of content, your sentences are too simple and there’s no logical flow in between your thoughts. You have problems with your clauses and your use (or rather non-use) of commas. You also have a tendency to write the way people speak, which is not always correct.
Also, ad essays should have a general theme and flow to them. I don’t see it in your essay…everything seems so choppy.</p>
<p>are you serious? i think you would have a much better shot if you picked a different topic… I agree with northstarmom - I don’t think adcoms want to hear about your genitals.</p>
<p>like everyone else said, no offense but this is not a good topic to write about. I also think you should not write an essay like “oh despite my difficulties, look at my grades!”. no offense, but i<code>m sure there are a lot of guys with normal testostrene levels who have perfect GPAs… therefore, your essay doesn</code>t really have a point…
rather, construct an essay about positive things you have LEARNED from your experience, your thoughts,etc etc.</p>
<p>I didnt really like it, but what grade are you in anyway?</p>
<p>I thought you were a Freshman.</p>
<p>I agree. I did not like your essay. Besides the odd, uncomfortable topic, your essay is just not what anyone consider a good essay. There is no flow or voice. </p>
<ul>
<li>don’t talk about your balls</li>
<li>don’t talk about anything on your transcript</li>
<li>don’t ask to come into the college. This is an essay, not a plea.</li>
</ul>
<p>dude, i’m sorry to say this but I say it for your own good-- I honestly thought your essay was some kind of a joke. Generally it’s a good idea to avoid talking about your balls/anything sexual in your college application essays. It made me uncomfortable reading it; imagine how uncomfortable the adcom would be!!</p>
<p>OMG! That’s hilarious. Sorry man, but as quitejaded stated, dont talk about your balls on your college essay. haha. I’ll be laughing at you, not because I’m mean and I’m making fun of your disease but because you’re using it as a reason to get into college.</p>
<p>I’m sure colleges want FERTILE kids who have offspring and try to get their kids to come to their college and donate…etc.</p>
<p>But seriously man, you’re disgracing yourself when you talk about your balls and how much smaller they are than others. Colleges want people WHO WILL FIT INTO their college, not social outcasts.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone above. Writing your college essay about your genitals is definitely not the way to go. Last year, a girl on CC wrote about menustration and it was very weird and awkward to say the least. On a more critical level, your essay has serious syntax and flow issues. I felt like I was reading a high school freshman’s writing. Your telling not showing. Chose a different life defining topic and describe a moment in time that epitomized your life. Additionally, you can use the genital subject, but again at your level of writing I would highly suggest against it. You could talk about genitals from a comedic level or even a more satirical level. Your essay screams with “please let me because I have suffered a life changing disease”. It’s almost as if you are asking for brownie points (big no no).</p>