Please review my essay for a computer science program

College Essays
1

Hello world,

the question is: why you want to study computer science?

the essay:

From an early age, I appreciated thinking logically and analyzing; I analyzed almost everything I encountered, from assuming the personalities of people through their body language while walking on the street to how sill plants affect your productivity by the time of the day you work. Regardless, if my analyses were right or wrong I loved the idea of keep analyzing the world around me and try to perceive the mechanisms of everything I come across. In High school the subject that has most topics depending on analysis and logical thinking was the ones in biology and that why I wanted to be a doctor at the time.

I applied for the Pre-College Program in Weill Cornell Medical College in Qatar - PCEP - where you have a great experience to learn about the typical medical student college life, what and how he or she studies. Fortunately, I was accepted, and I had an incredible time in WCMC-Q and I even won the JO achievement award who only 3 students get awarded from the participants in the PCEP, but I felt there is a missing piece in this field for me.I told myself I only tried the student experience I have to try the “peak experience" which is the “doctor experience”. I volunteered in Hamad Medical Corporation in two units (Pediatrics and Podiatric )and though it was a wonderful experience, but my heart still wasn’t sufficed and felt there is a missing piece from the picture.

In the last months of high school one of my great friends gave me the official Steve Jobs biography as a gift; as he knew I was always fascinated by technology and the people in this field. When I started reading the book, I encountered the word “Computer Science” and this was the word that made all the difference , and that was just the beginning.I started to read about programing and computer science and I was completely fascinated and astonished about the concept that those pile of zeros and ones get organized in manner that could make all of a sudden Windows OS exist, or Auto-Pilots for planes exists or even the small software in our phones that changes between Celsius and Fahrenheit exist.It was great to see how you can make your ideas come into reality through some keyboard clicking. As I read more and more about this field I become more and more impressed, curious and driven to know more about it.I knew it is the missing piece for me in biology.

In 12th grade I already made myself clear that I will go to the Academic Bridge Program - ABP - and then apply to universities I choose. I applied and got accepted to the ABP , got the acceptance papers and payed the deposit , but unfortunately my dad had a financial problem and we couldn’t pay for the tuition so I was forced to take the gap year. Again my mind was truly frightened from this gap year , but my heart was accepting it happily, and fortunately my heart was right. I went to see my family members whom I did not see for 7 years, started a self-studying computer science course (CS50x) from Harvard university, and took many other courses in psychology and many different fields. I knew that computer science and biology together could make the world a better place, and it is the next big thing in the world with the advanced hardware we have today.

Steve Jobs said “You can’t connect the dots looking forward you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something: your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path ” and I strongly agree with Mr.Jobs .At sometimes I worried about the situations I get in because my heart told me to do so or is comfortable with, but when I get through it and look back I know it was worth it; for instance the experience in medicine and biology , and the transition from it to programming and computer science wasn’t logical at the time but later on it taught me the basis of analysis ,logical thinking and later on helped me immensely to thing algorithmically which helped greatly in writing my code. My heart is completely comfortable with ********** University in Qatar computer science program and I hope you can make it once again right in it choice .

2

come on guys I need your help

3

Qualities in a good essay:

  1. Easy to read - Admissions officers have maybe 10 minutes to evaluate your application. Ain't no one got time to decipher hieroglyphs. A lot of people try being too fancy and end up writing convoluted essays. Similarly other writers try to cram too many nouns or adjectives into their essays. Of course the essay needs to be well writing but that doesn't mean it should be complicated. Make sure the skimibility factor is high.
  2. Right content - At first glance essays appear to be free responses, anything goes essay, but in fact colleges are looking for certain qualities in students. Harvard has a list right here: https://college.harvard.edu/admissions/application-process/what-we-look

Basically you need to write about the following things. Helping your community, society; empathy and caring for other people and/or improving the lives of others. Passion for learning beyond getting straight As. Good morals/ethics/character. etc. Basically the good qualities in human beings.

To put this in context I read an essay about a girl who loves the piano a few days ago. It was a good essay. She did a good job describing her passion and her favorite composers. Unfortunately it didn’t really give a reason to say, “YES!” So beyond being well written and personal, an essay needs to stress the right qualities in yourself.

  1. Be likable -This is the secret sauce. It's very important to set the right tone or vibe in your essay (unless you are applying to USC ;) ). If the admissions officer doesn't like you as a human being after reading the essay then your chance of getting into a selective program is very low. A common pitfall--which I made last year--is talking too much about myself without mentioning other people. Reason being is that comes off very self-centered.

You have too much information going on in your essay so it fails at point 1.
You do not stress the right content as in point 2.
You do not come off likable as in point 3.

Overall essay is 6.5/10

4

Why do you say “unless you are applying to USC”?

5

aha thank you very much Mr. @bomerr‌ , I’ll work in another one right away…:slight_smile:

6

@bomerr‌ Mr please tell me what you think of this essay :smile:

Since Alan Turing built the first machine that can compute until now the field of computer science has been more and more accessible to more and more people who end up changing the world for better and for ever; some prominent archetypes are Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates and Steve Woz who all made great advances in this field without even graduating from a university.I used to ask myself why can not I be a part of this ever evolving, and magnificent field and make a great impact that chances the world to a better place.

I tried many times to code and get my hands in computer science, but the most significant try is the one I am having right now during my gap year which is Harvard’s famous course CS50x ( the introduction to the intellectual enterprises of computer science and the art of programming). This course assisted me significantly to think algorithmically, build an efficient pseudocode that I can Implement as a source code and write my code correctly in the computer.It is really exciting to have an idea in your mind and just using pen,paper and a computer you could bring it to life; it is just like magic.I built many programs until now with this course and one of them is a “credit card checker” that check your credit card validity and type after you input your credit card number. In addition, to the “standard edition” problem sets I was taking I also added the “ hacker edition” alongside with it, which gave me much more challenging problem sets, but a lot of joy while tackling it .CS50x is a great experience that helped me immensely in seeing the world through a computer scientist goggles and how computer science could solve many life problems and make it easier .

Alongside with CS50x I took many different types of courses during my gap year such as the science of happiness from UC Berkeley, Electricity and Magnetism from Rice University and the addicted brain from Emory University. Those courses I am taking makes my vision scope wider and wider and makes me perceive the world around me better to make my applications solve real problems we are facing in different field or even enhanced ones provided already using computers. One of the ideas I want to implement by the end of the year is an app built in Java programming language that tell you to smile then scan your face to see how contracted is your Orbicularis oculi muscle (this is the muscle around the eye) and your cheek muscles and use those data to measure your happiness level then give you some suggestions to be happier or get out from the bad mood you are in .Thus, make people happy (or happier) after long stressful days.

It is truly impressive how many ideas in your mind that you can turn them to a real life applications or programs that enhance our daily life greatly and end up changing the world. If we look around us today we see how technology ameliorated our life from planes autopilots who made our travel much more safe to reminder applications that helped us to remember our friend’s birthday and save our friendship.*********** University in Qatar is an outstanding educational institution that contributed tremendously to this science and I hope it can accept me as a part of it.

7

this slightly enhanced one:

Since Alan Turing built the first machine that can compute until now the field of computer science has been more and more accessible to more and more people who end up changing the world for better and for ever; some prominent archetypes are Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates and Steve Woz who all made great advances in this field without even graduating from a university.I used to ask myself why can not I be a part of this ever evolving, and magnificent field and make a great impact that chances the world to a better place.

I tried many times to code and get my hands in computer science, but the most significant try is the one I am having right now during my gap year which is Harvard’s famous course CS50x ( the introduction to the intellectual enterprises of computer science and the art of programming). This course assisted me significantly to think algorithmically, build an efficient pseudocode that I can Implement as a source code and write my code correctly in the computer.It is really exciting to have an idea in your mind and just using pen,paper and a computer you could bring it to life; it is just like magic.I built many programs until now with this course and one of them is a “credit card checker” that check your credit card validity and type after you input your credit card number. In addition, to the “standard edition” problem sets I was taking I also added the “ hacker edition” alongside with it, which gave me much more challenging problem sets, but a lot of joy while tackling it .CS50x is a great experience that helped me immensely in seeing the world through a computer scientist goggles and how computer science could solve many life problems and make our lives easier .

Alongside with CS50x I took many different types of courses during my gap year such as the science of happiness from UC Berkeley, Electricity and Magnetism from Rice University and the addicted brain from Emory University. The courses I am taking makes my vision scope get wider and wider and makes me perceive the world around me better to make my applications solve real problems we are facing in different field or even enhance ones provided already using computers. One of the ideas I want to implement by the end of the year is an app built in Java programming language that tell you to smile then scan your face to see how contracted is your muscle around the eye ( Orbicularis oculi ) muscle the and your cheek muscles and use those data to measure your happiness level then give you some suggestions to be happier or get out from the bad mood you are in .Thus, make people happy (or happier) after long stressful days.

It is truly impressive how many ideas in your mind that you can turn them to a real life applications or programs that enhance our daily life greatly and end up changing the world. If we look around us today we see how technology ameliorated our life from planes autopilots who made our travel much more safe to reminder applications that helped us to remember our important meetings. Carnegie Mellon University in Qatar is an outstanding educational institution that contributed tremendously to this science and I hope it can accept me as a part of it.

8

The adcom knows who the greats in the field are(Turing, Zuckerberg, etc.), so I’m not sure how much they want to spend their 10 minutes reading what they know already.

The details about your gap year are good and relevant.

“It is just like magic.” Try to not use cliches and generalizations (e.g. in the conclusion).

I agree with @bomerr on his third point: you want the adcom to like you- that’s how they’ll remember you. Give them something to remember you by. Tell them a real story from a real person’s point of view, and tell it simply. Chances are they’ll remember the “real” applicant over the fluff applicant.

Your experience is really good, the essay could use some work (brevity= best).

Hopefully this helps at least a little!

9

@Schmosby‌ thank you very much for your comment, but I don’t really have something in mind that could make me likable can you give me examples please?

10

I can’t say what might make you ‘likeable’ but I think if you’re honest you’re voice will come through in your essays. Good luck to you!!

11

Everyone else already gave the useful advice, but you still got my like for the “hello world” at the beginning.