Please Score My SAT Essay for the June 2011 Prompt

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>Loyalty is a virtue that is encouraged and rewarded in every aspect of our lives. We are, therefore, loyal to our families, our teams, our schools, and our countries. But too often loyalty is blind: by automatically identifying ourselves with a group and accepting its values as our own, we avoid taking responsibility for our own thoughts and actions.</p>

<p>Assignment: Does accepting the values of a group allow people to avoid taking responsibility for their own thoughts and actions? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>As a Swedish proverb goes, “A tree must stand alone.” Indeed, it is important to retain one’s own identity because oftentimes, accepting the values of a group allow people to avoid taking responsibility for their own thoughts and actions. The Crusades, Islamophobia, and the book Fahrenheit 451 can all attest to this fundamental fact of society.</p>

<p>On one hand, the destruction and superfluous loss of human lives during the medieval ages was directly caused by the adherence of millions of people to their Christian faith. When Pope Urban decided in 1102 CE that it was necessary to regain control of the Holy Land, he sent millions who never questioned the morality of their actions to their deaths. These men identified themselves as part of the Christian community and hence never paused to take responsibility.</p>

<p>Moreover, Islamophobia in today’s world is yet another testament to a group of people who accept the values of their nation and faith who fail to take responsibility for their actions. Consequently, in the aftermaths of the infamous tragedies of 9/11, and innocuous Muslim women was pursued in the parking lot of a mall in Texas by an old man. These acts of violence were catalyzed by some Americans’ devotion to their own nation. Thus, they cease to take responsiblity for their actions. </p>

<p>Finally, the society in Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451 becomes devoid of individuals who think for themselves. As a result, bombs are dropped relentlessly as warfare breaks out. However, because each side identifies with the values of their own group, they again cease feeling responsible for their own thoughts and actions.</p>

<p>As the Swedish axiom wisely put it, individuals who begin to identify themselves with a group will begin to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.</p>

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<p>Big,</p>

<ol>
<li>The essay is perfect in most categories:
Appropriate examples - check
Vocabulary - check
length (takes up 2 written pages on answer sheet) - check</li>
</ol>

<p>However, the body paragraphs are very small. They are ALMOST there. You spent a majority of the body paragraphs describing the situation/scenario behind your example. While this is important, the more important part of the essay is to TIE it back to your THESIS. If you add about 2 to 3 more sentences to each body paragraph really linking the Pope, Islamophobia, or Fahrenheit 451 this essay would be awesome. It’s very good, don’t get me wrong, but people always forget to tie the example back to the thesis (don’t worry I’m very guilty of this also). Always re-read your body paragraph and, if its too short, go ahead and add a few more sentences. Don’t make your handwriting microscopic, but feel free to make it a little smaller so you take up less space and then have more room to convey your thoughts and ideas. </p>

<p>For example, this is how I would elaborate on the first body paragraph: </p>

<p>"When Pope Urban decided in 1102 CE that it was necessary to regain control of the Holy Land, he sent millions who never questioned the morality of their actions to their deaths. </p>

<p><insert> The men blindly followed the Pope to their demise. Without questioning authority or even question their fellow brothers in arms, they walked into death. This clearly demonstrates the grave danger of groups when the members lose their identity and begin to act as followers. <end insert=“”></end></insert></p>

<p>These men identified themselves as part of the Christian community and hence never paused to take responsibility."</p>

<p>Adding a few key facts about individuality and identity being lost would really add a huge amount of strength to this essay as well. When talking about groups, never forget that fact! “Followers, leaders, sheep” are always great things to mention in order to parallel and make comparisons. Also, other examples that are appropriate:</p>

<p>Animal Farm - the animals blindly follow Napoleon
1984 - Utopian society demise (but you use Fahrenheit 451 which is fine)</p>

<p>Keep up the great work my friend :)!</p>

<p>~Aceventura74</p>

3

<p>Thank you! Yeah, I felt like I didn’t tie it back to the thesis enough, but I was running out of time so I just kept going. I’ll try to work on that next time though!</p>

4

<p>Aceventura74,</p>

<p>I understand; its the time pressure that kills on the SAT essay, but just practice and then you’ll eventually find that 25 minutes is more than enough time necessary to write a solid 12! </p>

<p>~Aceventura74</p>