My daughter is a sophomore at a small selective LAC. Since HS she’s been having mental health issues (especially anxiety) and is wondering about taking a leave next semester. This October she was thinking of withdrawing mid-semester but decided on her own to stay. Last semester (Spring) on top of everything she had mono but insisted on staying in school. She withdrew from one course, ended up with a 2.98 (out of 4) GPA–but got an F in a 1 credit course.
Since she got her report card in May I’ve been asking her to do something about the F. It was an Oboe technique course in her minor, Music; she was taking it because she’s an oboe player in the college orchestra and the orchestra director recommended it but it was not a requirement or anything.
In June she said that she emailed the teacher who told her that she had missed just too many classes and requirements and there was no way to make up for the F.
I then spoke to the Dean in July, and the Dean told me that considering the circumstances it would be reasonable for her to request a late withdrawal from the class and that she should take care of it in September.
Ever since the semester started, I’ve been reminding her to go to the Dean and file the request, but she keeps on making excuses. I called the Dean last week and she said that if there were extenuating circumstances like health issues then it was not too late but my daughter still has not taken care of it and the last day of the semester is tomorrow.
I am beyond frustrated with this. Part of it is that my daughter says that she deserves the F. I keep telling her “but you had mono!” I don’t want to stress her out since she’s stressed already but I feel like yelling at her “Don’t come home until you’ve taken care of that late withdrawal request!” and “I’m not paying all of this money for you to get an F especially when you can request a late withdrawal!!”
Part of my being upset about the F is that she wants to go on to grad school and even though the F is just 1 credit and not a major class, it’s still an F on her transcript.
Thanks for bearing with me and listening to me vent. And please tell me that in the long run and in the grand scheme of things, this doesn’t matter too much and it’s all right to just let it go?
I think that in the long run and in the grand scheme of things, the F doesn’t matter too much. What concerns me (and probably you) is that your daughter seems paralyzed. And she obviously senses your stress (with which I totally sympathize, by the way) and thus possibly feels even worse about herself. I suggest dropping the topic for now (yes, she’ll survive the F) but have a talk about what’s going on, once Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate is over.
I really sympathize with you and have had a similar situation with my daughter. My advice is to stay out of it. It’s really hard, but advice that I have had to take. Don’t make the calls for her, don’t nag her and let her deal with the consequences. It’s been both difficult for me and also a welcome relief to let go. It’s not your transcript, it’s hers.
Whether it matters or not… at this point it is your daughter’s problem, not yours. I’d advise that you let it go and stop pestering or nagging. You’ve done your fair share of “reminding” already.
It is very possible that there are facts that your daughter hasn’t disclosed to you that are impacting her decision process about this class – especially since your daughter has already told you that she believes she deserves the “F”. (Maybe there is something else she did or didn’t do aside from her illness that you don’t know about). So it may be that there is a very good reason that your daughter does not want to petition for a change in the grade.
I would agree with the above poster. Whether it’s a problem or not it’s hers to deal with. If she has made the decision that the F is deserved (and it sounds like it was) and it should stand then let her make that choice. It’s only one credit and it sounds like it won’t make that much of a difference.
I’m sympathetic – one of my kids has lagged for TWO YEARS on a paperwork item that affects her ability to graduate this spring, and it is now questionable if she will be able to get it done. I am livid. X( And blue in the face, have finally decided that she had to bear any consequences. I think your kid will have to explain her F in her grad school apps when she gets to them – and ironically, she will probably say, “I had mono and did not withdraw on time”.
She may want to know that grad school programs often have minimum GPAs for applying that are very strict. She is going to feel super dumb if she has to drop schools from her list because she doesn’t meet the requirements, and fixing this might have fixed the problem.
@calmom you probably have something there about my not knowing the whole story. Similarly, a friend who is a college English professor just told me the story of her son who got a D in a lit elective class. He had showed her his essays which were great and when he got the D she didn’t understand. He said he didn’t understand either…so she contacted his professor and was very embarrassed when she found out that her son had missed more than half the class meetings, in a class where students had been informed from the outset that attendance did count.
I realized that this is also related to my being stressed about another situation that I can’t control at all. My father is in the ICU, over a month after a surgery that should have been simple but instead he picked up a couple of hospital-related infections. Maybe I’m thinking that unlike that situation, I can control this one, but of course I can’t.
@tooanxious – the “not knowing the whole story” is borne of experience — my son messed up, badly, his first year of college and was probably to embarrassed to tell me the whole story. I only found out months after he had dropped out. He quit school after his 2nd year, worked for 3 years, then transferred to an less selective in-state public. He had an incomplete and at least 1 D from his first school… but those couldn’t transfer, so they were effectively wiped out. He did very well at college #2, qualified for a prestigious fellowship – then he worked several more years before applying to grad school. For his chosen program, grad school admissions focused mostly on the last two years of college – so his rocky start essentially became ancient history.
My guess is that your daughter may have been missing classes or messing up on assignments in that class before she got mono – perhaps thinking she would catch up later. So she may realize that the actual attendance records don’t really support the mono excuse. It doesn’t sound like it’s a huge ding on her GPA in the long run.
Sorry about your father! You are right - you are probably displacing your anxiety and your father’s health is way more important.
If your daughter does well in school from here on out, the freshman year mistakes will be easy to explain on a grad school app. (Mistakes due to immaturity and illness - the subsequent history is proof that those early stumbles have been overcome). If she does not do well, then resolving the F won’t make much of a difference. Only time will tell how realistic the grad school plans are.
I can completely understand your frustration. Your daughter might be one of those people who when depressed are their own worst enemies, get in their own way and self-sabotage. Also, sometimes when people royally screw up it’s a cry for help. I don’t think her life will be ruined by an F. I messed up when I first went away to college and I eventually got my act together and went on to a very good graduate school. I would focus on her getting help and if you think she will continue to self-sabotage you have every right to tell her that you will not pay tuition until she’s feeling better.
ETA-I just read what you wrote about your father. I’m so sorry. This is a rough time for you. Be good to yourself.
I don’t think an F in a 1 credit oboe class will have much if any impact on grad school admissions, as long as the rest of her coursework is good. She will just have to explain it