This kind of thing drives me crazy as a host. I have two second cousins that I socialize with regularly; they are close friends of mine. I had a party where their sibling was offended that I didn’t invite her. I have no relationship with the sister; why should I invite her to the party that was a mix of family and friends and only included people I was close to.
We actually had 3 uninvited guests at our wedding - one with a colleague of mine who brought his ex-wife. The others were on H’s side and were guests who had significant others that we obviously were unaware of. Didn’t really bother us - they pulled up chairs at the tables the guests were assigned and we really did not think too much of it.
Thank you all for your input. Like I said, this isn’t going any further than this present online conversation, really just wasn’t sure what the protocol is. I would never just have him come along but I thought it was laughable since my sister didn’t think it was a big deal to happen at my wedding in a very intimate atmosphere and sit down dinner lol. I might ask if he can join in at the after party and I’m sure that will not be an issue. My sister hosted my after-party and had four of her own personal friends there (people I know but she had them set up the food/drinks at her house while we were at the reception and offered them to stay for the festivities). Again, not a problem, as far as I’m concerned the more the merrier especially in less formal settings.
My 27 year old daughter who is getting married this September, has a wedding budget and most of her guests are in their upper 20s and low 30s. They are limiting the “plus-1s” (all by name) to those who are married, engaged, or living with significant others. Not everyone who is merely dating is having their SO invited. That would nearly double the invite list. There are plenty who already meet the criteria they are using.
I agree with the others who have already posted that I would not expect your D’s BF to be invited as they don’t live together and are just 19. I do think it was wrong this bride brought her uninvited then BF to your wedding. But I would obviously not do another wrong. I also think there is no comparison to inviting sister’s BF and inviting cousin’s BF. Further, by the same token, while you seem to think it is appropriate for your D’s BF to be invited to cousin’s wedding, you did not invite this niece’s BF to your own wedding and so I would think you had some criteria for inviting plus-1s too.
A 19 year old would not have been allowed a +1 at my wedding unless they were married (which is not unheard of in Mr R’s family). Even engaged would be pushing it unless they had a set date and concrete plans. (This is my own bias having been engaged to my high school sweetheart when I was 19 but breaking up by 20).
S got a +1 for his cousin’s wedding. Dating less than a year at time of the wedding, not living together. Everyone heard S has a gf, and they want to meet her! (S isn’t sure about asking her–afraid our huge clan might scare her away.) S and gf are in their late 20s, and at that age, any 6mo+ relationship starts looking serious.
I agree that age/limited guest list is the reason the OP’s D’s bf wasn’t invited. The hosts don’t think this is a serious relationship at 19. I would abide by sister’s decision–is is “reasonable”-- (even if it seems unfair to you), and forget about it, tell your D to forget about it. The cutoff line is wherever the host decides. And it usually has to do with cost and the formality of the reception. It is not such a big deal if an extra guest shows up at a casual reception, but for a sit-down dinner that can super rude/awkward/embarrassing. I assume the OP’s D has other cousins and sibs to visit with at the reception? She will still have a good time without her bf. If she were officially engaged (at any age, even 17-18) it would be different.
Do you take family pictures at weddings? (We do.) Sort of funny looking back years later to see “random guy” in photos!
I agree, they probably were thinking that D was young, and therefore that she isn’t likely in a serious relationship. The problem here is they invited the brother’s girlfriend, even though they aren’t living together or engaged or married (the fact that the brother is officiating shouldn’t influence that imo). The sister at least is direct family, but I also would question that, too. It is better to set a policy and keep it, for example to people who are married, engaged or living together, this way no one can question it.
Weddings are a pain, mine was relatively small, most close family and friends (I don’t have a big family). I had one aunt saying I should invite these people who were cousins of my dad, she and my uncle had socialized with these people, but the kicker was I never had, they never invited me to any of their weddings and such (nothing against them, I simply didn’t know my father’s cousins and their families, I think I met them once when I was about 15, when I was shocked to find out these people even existed) but my aunt was squalling and such about it, how this was family…in the end, my list stayed the same, but a lot of the times this happens.
Agreed with others that I would not have invited a 19 year old’s SO to my daughter’s wedding. My D was married at age 30 and she had a lot of say in whom she chose to invite. I had a lot of first cousins and not every one of them were invited because even though they were family, we hardly saw each other and my daughter didn’t remember seeing them. I explained to some family members who were surprised some cousins were not there that it is a wedding…not a family re-union.
I agree that the bride was rude at your wedding.
The bride probably considers her sister’s boyfriend a friend.
Also agree there probably would have not been a +1 for a 19 year old if the final number of attendees was limited, the alternative is to simply +1 every individual attendee and that can get to be a huge number.
I didn’t invite everyone in my husband’s family to my wedding because I figured if I hadn’t met them yet in the 2 years we’d been engaged, they weren’t close and I didn’t want to meet them at my own wedding. I wanted to be surrounded by people I felt close to in some way. Some people were upset but they weren’t helping me with the bill so I didn’t give it a second thought.
If this girl brought someone to your wedding uninvited I think it’s ok for your D’s bf to just go and also pull up a chair at the cousins table. I wouldn’t take it personally that he wasn’t invited. They have to cut somewhere. I’d guess the bride feels much closer to her sister’s bf than your D’s bf.
"Is it a monetary issue or a space issue? If the former then perhaps you could intervene and offer to pay for your D’s BF. "
Oh no! This isn’t a concert hall where you buy an extra ticket. This is someone’s event.
We got a +8 in a rsvp to an invitation to our wedding. We invited H’s distant relative and they decided to bring ALL their married kids and spouses. They all chipped in on a gift worth maybe $50 total, so $5 apiece. Reception was a 7-course meal at a very nice hotel. We have not seen or heard from those folks since our wedding nearly 3 decades ago.
We only invited people who were married, engaged or living together.
My relative gad a big bday party and didn’t even invite spouses if he didn’t know them. He had clients invited with their coworkers but no spouses. It was unusual to me and my other relatives, but his party so his rules. He was happy. >:D<
We are worried about this one for D’s upcoming wedding for a different reason. We’re comfortable with who is getting a plus one and who isn’t. We feel certain that the bride’s friends will adhere to the etiquette, but the groom went to a wedding last year (after he & D were engaged) where only he was invited. He stuck to the rules and D stayed home, but a number of his friends who had been invited solo decided to bring dates without asking. We are worried that behavior might repeat itself.
“We are worried that behavior might repeat itself.”
It will. This happens more and more often. Everyone thinks that they are the “exception”. (btw–good for your future SIL to have known better)
“If this girl brought someone to your wedding uninvited I think it’s ok for your D’s bf to just go and also pull up a chair at the cousins table”
Really? Because someone else was tacky it’s ok for the daughter to be tacky too? I don’t get that logic.
If the food is catered and based on the per person count (as nearly all catering us), one can’t just “pull up a chair” like a potluck. Just showing up uninvited to an event is extremely rude, IMHO. Not showing up after RSVPing you are attending is also very rude and will waste food and $$$.
We attended two family weddings where NO plus 1 invites were given to anyone not married.
It’s the decision of the wedding couple.
And a 19 year old college student…should not exoect her boyfriend to be invited.
I am on a roll this week - I agreed with every one of @Pizzagirl’s posts, completely. Ditto, ditto and ditto!
I also agreed with the posters who said +1s get invited by name. For our S’s wedding, we left it to him to deal with his friends. However, with regard to family, if we weren’t sure of the full name we called to find out.
Side note: We were all fairly close to one cousin’s S but only knew his bf’s first name. I called to get his last name for the invitation and when he nearly cried that we were inviting his bf, we realized it was the first family event after he came out where his partner was being included. It really says a lot about how times have changed, since it hadn’t even occurred to us!
I discussed this with my son a few years ago when he was invited to a friend’s wedding with a +1. Around here it’s common to add one to any single person’s invite. My son wanted to take a male friend who didn’t get an invite. It was a rather large wedding, but they couldn’t invite everybody and this friend didn’t make the cut. I tried to explain the logic (in the olden days) of a plus one but he said why would they care who his plus one was?