Would like to hear opinions about the infamous “plus1” for wedding invites. My niece is getting married in June, 200+ attendees, and all the cousins are very close. My D did not get a plus1 for her boyfriend of nearly two years at the time of the wedding and is not happy about it. My son is officiating and his girlfriend of 3 years is invited (they are in their mid-20s and live 9 hours away but don’t live together). The bride’s sister got a plus1 for her boyfriend of six months. Its not a make or break deal for D but she is hurt and actually called bride’s mother (my sister) to ask if it was intentional or maybe a mistake and was told no, he wasn’t invited, they already had too invitees on the list. And here’s the kicker…said niece-bride-to-be brought her boyfriend/soon to be husband to my wedding three years ago without an invite. They weren’t living together and had been dating about six months or so. Just showed up with him. I laughed it off and told my sister to figure out where he would sit and he pulled up a chair to the “cousins table”. No biggie. So where is the cut-off line for PLUS1 invites in your opinion? Just to be clear, this conversation will never take place anywhere else but here lol.
This is always so tricky. My older d was living with her boyfriend and did not get a plus one for a cousin’s wedding which was a shame as most of those cousins live out of state and would have have been a nice opportunity to have everyone meet him. The sister of the bride had met him several times. On the other hand DH and I plus our two daughter make up a party of 4 so two couples essentially. Younger d is a bridesmaid for one of her oldest friend this summer and the bride and groom who have many friends are limiting the plus ones to friends who are either already married or engaged. The issue here is that one of their other friends who is not in the bridal party has a longterm relationship with her boyfriend and is living with him but both the bride and the groom and all their friends actually detest this guy so it is sort of an excuse as to why she isn’t getting a plus one.
So in that case I guess the line is married or engaged, not even co-habitating? I wouldn’t be a happy camper if I was in a long term relationship and lived with my SO and they were not invited.
I think a bride and her family can choose either way to go but should be consistent and in the case of your niece, it appears she hasn’t been. That is wrong and unnecessarily hurtful IMO. You don’t do that to family. A few extra people shouldn’t be a big deal and you don’t cut out long term significant others. I wonder if they don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend since they are being inconsistent.
D2 was married in December and decided to limit +1 invites to couples who were either engaged or living together. The people offended by this limit were high school age cousins lol
No, they’ve only met him a couple of times so there’s no opinion on him one way or the other. My take is they still think of D as a kid, not a young adult in a fairly serious relationship, albeit not nearly engaged or anything remotely like that. I just don’t get it. She’s making the 5 hour trip home just for the wedding and had hoped to spend this time with her boyfriend as well.
How old is you daughter?
This was something Mr R and I went back and forth about when we were doing wedding invites. We had a pretty small wedding comparatively and he has a LOT of cousins.
Our line ended up being this: cohabitating, engaged, married were all allowed. If we were inviting people who might not know anyone else there, they were allowed +1s. We made a few other exceptions for people who had been together for a long time, but nearly 2 years at the time of the wedding (not invite) would not have made the cut for us.
When my cousin got married when Mr R and I had been dating for about a year and a half, I didn’t get a +1 and didn’t think twice about it.
She is 19 and a freshman at college. The only younger “child” invited is her cousin, he is a junior in high school.
I do think you are right about it being an age issue, @NEPatsGirl. Rightly or wrongly, most people don’t take relationships at that age very seriously, perhaps because the majority of the time they don’t last.
I really don’t have an opinion but I would just be cautious about thinking that the bride has to apply the same “rules” to a cousin as she does to a sister. For example, a bride could say that their siblings can bring children but no one else can, and that’s perfectly within her right.
Hurt feelings and weddings. They go hand in hand. No matter what you do, either aunt Phoebe, cousin Tiffany or brother in law Bret are going to be “hurt”. Just remember, it’s just one day and it’s not your day. Just go with the flow.
I would not at all expect my boyfriend to be invited at age 19. At that age / stage in life, she’s still part of your family unit, rather than being a unit with him.
Oh, a 19 yo and a freshman? No, I don’t think inviting her bf is necessary at all.
^ Agreed. She is part of your family and they presumably don’t consider her to be an independent adult in an important relationship. Wouldn’t include the boyfriend of a high schooler, either.
Agree it’s an age issue as she is a teen and also agree that the sister of the bride is not a valid comparison.
But bride to be was rude to bring an uninvited guest to your wedding
A 19 year old who hasn’t even been dating her boyfriend for 2 years? That wouldn’t warrant a +1 in my opinion. My 22 year old has a boyfriend of 2 years and I would not expect him to be invited to a family wedding if there were concerns about the numbers. Sisters are different from cousins, and someone who is in the wedding party (or officiating) is different from someone who is not. But ultimately each couple gets to make their own rules, and I think the best practice is to not take it personally and never to call and inquire, which puts someone on the spot.
I am thinking your D should have just done what your niece did 3 years ago at your wedding - she couldn’t complain right? But now that your D has actually called your sister and discussed it, she is going to have to abide by the decision not to invite him.
Is it a monetary issue or a space issue? If the former then perhaps you could intervene and offer to pay for your D’s BF. These things are always so unpleasant when they arise. I agree though that your D has every right to be hurt by this.
There is no hard and fast rule. In my family to get a +1 someone needs to have graduated college and be married, engaged or living with someone. And at the most recent function no +1 were given to nieces/nephews who were not married/engaged. No boyfriends/girlfriends have ever been invited to a family function at age 19.
I would not stoop down to bringing an un-invited guest. Someone did that to our wedding and we were furious – especially since others saw it, assumed the person was invited, and were hurt that they did not get a +1 in a similar situation – so after our honeymoon we had to make calls and explain what happened. We don’t keep in touch the person who brought the un-invited guest.
I don’t believe in inviting “plus ones” to weddings; I believe in inviting specifically named people. For me, that would include spouses, live-in significant others, and fiance/es of the primary guest; those spouses etc would be invited by name. It might also include long-term boyfriends or girlfriends of friends and relatives if i knew the bf or gf and considered them a friend. I wouldn’t include the boyfriend of a 19-year-old cousin as a general rule.