plz critique my essay! tyty~

[collegebound982]

<p>hello i will be applying to the ucs this fall, my gpa and sat scores are mediocre, i will be applying to ucr ucsc uci...any help u can give me on this essay will be greatly appreciated thank you!~</p>

<p>question #2 Tell us about a talent, experience, contributions or personal quality that you will bring to the university of california.</p>

<p>The dark red Toyota violently swerved to the right, nearly colliding with several cars, and made an abrupt exit. The driver parked the car and dashed out. His face was flushed red and his eyes were filled with tears. He leaned over the shrubbery, hands at his waist. Meanwhile, I sat in the driver’s seat with a look of horror on my face, realizing that we had just narrowly escaped death. No, we did not almost die that day because of some tragic or unfortunate news I had shared with that man but, because as people often put it, I was “too damned funny.”
By no means, am I the class clown performing shameless acts to get a laugh or two. Rather that tall, nerdy kid that the girls try to avoid (god I’m a loser.) I’m that kid in class that can make the teacher keel over in laughter with an oral presentation. I’m that kid that gets chosen first for taboo just for the funny clues I give. Finally, I’m that kid that finds humor in any situation, and just doesn’t know when to be serious.
Someday, I will grow up and enter the harsh working world. I’m bound to change as the stress of the real life takes its toll on me. Be this as it may, I vow never to stop making people laugh, this is who I am. </p>

<p>it has 233 words..do u think itll be ok?? ya its pretty crappy but its rough draft...THANK YOU FOR READING!!!</p>

[liek0806]

<p>I think you can do better. This essay doesn't really bring any individuality that you could offer the UC's.</p>

[bettina]

<p>The first paragraph makes no sense and is told in the 3rd person, which makes it seem that you are not answering the question asked. Lose this paragraph entirely. You are wasting space where you could be discussing your personal qualities, as they asked.</p>

<p>"By no means, am I the class clown performing shameless acts to get a laugh or two." I don't think you want us to start out with this impression of you--and it does give us the impression others think you're the class clown</p>

<p>--eliminate extra words that don't ADD i.e. "by no means"
--don't point out what you are not, just tell us what you are
--but don't tell us you are a loser!</p>

<p>So, you want to talk about your sense of humor, your quick wit and your facility for language, and you ability to address a class and keep attention through your humor perhaps? These are attractive qualities which can be described as an asset you contribute.</p>

<p>Try to keep it simple and on target. Try not to put yourself down unless you do it with a skilled and light touch. Try not to show overt immaturity ("and just doesn’t know when to be serious"), which I think is the kiss of death. Because you only have a couple short paragraphs to tell your story to someone you will never meet, these kinds of missteps take on huge significance, when you might really mean then off-hand. </p>

<p>I'm also sorry you view the future uniformly harsh and without humor--that you will be tamped down and crushed. This is not something you hear from most people in HS, looking to bright futures, so I wonder where this comes from and if there is something more to be explored here. Otherwise, I don't think it belongs in this essay, given the prompt.</p>

<p>Sorry if i tore through the whole thing so thoroughly, but you seem to be very early on in the writing process and need some refocusing. Good luck!</p>

[collegebound982]

<p>thank you for your help bettina, i posted this essay last night and after a second read this morning, it is pretty crappy :p</p>

[bettina]

<p>Well just give it another try...but do remember that the question...what do you contribute. In your essay, you have to wade through the negatives before finding the good qualities.</p>