plz gimme some advice on another essay of mine

<p>after i listened to others' advice on my last essay, i wrote another today
plz take a look
its more narrative, got more details.
but i am even not pleased with this one.however,i dont know whats wrong with it.</p>

<p>i will post the whole here.

<p>“You lose!” cheered out Hao.
“No. I lost this round because I didn’t cheat. I would never do what you were doing!” I defended in a higher key.
“Hey, you forgot counting this one on me. Let me see…twelve plus two…fifteen!” yelled Wan, stretching his arms in the air.
“Give me a break.” I could not believe my ears, “ it’s fourteen!” Hao and I almost threw out the line at the same time.
“I know. I intended to say that. Thank God you both have realized I am the winner,” said Wan with an arcane smile on his face.
Hao, Wan and I were all eight years old then. We attended the same school, more specifically, the same class. Moreover, our mothers gave birth to us three at the same hospital in April of 1988.
“Isn’t that amazing? God must have already arranged us to meet and become best friends forever even before we were born.” I kept telling this to the other two boys, no matter how they teased me.
I do not believe in God, actually. Nor do I believe every living man is pacing on a settled track of life. Life is made up of millions of unpredictable tiny events, places and person.
We used to go to school and back home together. Hao’s mother regarded the view we were walking in a line “a moving harp”. I was the tallest, then Hao. Wan was the shortest and had plump cheeks. However, he was always the one who graded the highest and the one who protected Hao and me from danger of being bullied. He learned tae kwon do at age of four and he was a master of swimming as well as a good runner. It’s unreasonable that such an athlete-passionate boy was only 4 feet 6 inches at age of 12, for lots of exercises enhance the process of growing as we were usually told. No sooner than Wan passed out at a math class one day had the whole class realized that Wan was born with leukemia and his sister died of that. </p>

<p>Then hospital, not school or the way to it became the only place we met. In fact, Hao and I went to visit him every day after school. We did not buy him any flowers because we did not make it seem he was a Patient to us, his best friends. Besides, we had never bought any flowers nor did we have money to buy with.
When we arrived there, Wan was taking his medicine under instruction of a nurse. He looked pale and weak. I even doubted whether I had entered the wrong room. There were no plump cheeks, no yelling, no stretching arms, no nothing except a room full of white: white bed sheet, white ceilings, white patients uniform and white tablets.
“How’s school day?” He greeted us and took a sip of water. The nurse left and warned us not to keep Wan up for too long.
“Don’t listen to her. I am fine.” He whispered in an artificial-OK way, but the following coughs sold him out.
Han and I, we were too young to handle such situation. It’s different from visiting your sick grandma. In front of us was our best friend, the one we had known since age 4, the one we shared one bottle of Coke with and asked help for Calculus from. We did not know how hard it was to cure such disease. We did not even know what kind of disease it is. The only thing we did know was our best friend would die in no time. We stood beside his bed, silently with watering eyes.
“Hey, don’t behave like that. I am really OK. Guess I had too much spicy noodles tonight…what about playing pokers?” He took a pair of cards from under his pillow, “Promise me never tell the nurse. This is my last pair. She doesn’t allow me to play and has taken the previous two ones away.”
“Let me give out cards today in case Hao would cheat.” Wan glanced at Hao while giving out.
He was humorous as usual.
He still remembered every single rule we made on this play.
And he was always the winner.</p>

<p>It was the last time we played cards in three. Several weeks later, Hao and I went to Wan’s funeral. Everybody’s eyes were reddened. They felt pathetic for loss of such a young life and complained about the cruelty of life.
Just like what I said, life is unpredictable that forever friendship will never come into reality between Wan, Hao and I. But I am still gratitude to life for letting me be a best friend of Wan and for letting me have an once-in-a-lifetime memory which I would treasure all my life. Most importantly, I have learned how to lead a life in a positive way even when I suffer from any obstacle.</p>

<p>“Do you know how much is twelve plus two?” I asked Hao once.
“Fifteen. How could I forget?”
We both smiled…</p>

<p>It is a lot better than the other one~~ Still runs into grammar problems here and there, but quite impressive for a native Chinese girl~~ It is a touching story and sounds very genuine, which is good. However, it tells precisouly little about yourself. Yes it describes a deep friendship you had, but it doesn't really tell others a whole lot about you. And as i'm assuming this is a college application essay, then the whole point of such essays is to sell <em>you</em>. Of course it can be stories ,but the stories are supposed to show the unique qualities about you as an individual. Also, this is a rather over-used topic, while good writers can indeed catch people's eye with such topics, you are already at a disadvantage by not being a native English speaker. So maybe by choosing something more innovative would help as well. Finally, I am still wondering about religion myself, and have nothing against people who do not believe god....the fact is, it's quite likely the person that reads your essay will take offense, or at least be uncomfortable with the idea.</p>