Plz judge my essay!^^

<p>The assignment is :
Do good choices and bad choices all likely to have negative consequences?</p>

<p>Here is my essay:</p>

<p>In general, people are convinced that good choices lead to positive consequences while bad choices tend to have negative ones. Nevertheless, this statement fails to reflect the natural regular in which things happen. Either good choices or bad choices have the plausibility of an unpleasant consequence. Negative consequences sometimes are inevitable no matter what choice we make. The theory of trolley bus and the Prohibition all demonstrate this point.
A trolley bus driver is hurtling down the track when suddenly the bus is out of control. There are five workers standing still on the track without knowing the imminent disaster. However, there is also a worker behind the bus. Now the bus driver has two choices: to go straight forward and the five workers will be killed; or to turn around so that only one man will be killed. Seemingly the later is a good choice. But what is the result? No matter five people or only one person, someone must be knocked down in this accident. It’s an inevitably negative consequence that neither the good choice nor the bad choice can avoid tragic death.
Even if the trolley bus driver alters his direction can he only lesson the death toll but not the death. Negative consequence may appear even though we make good choice. The failure of Prohibition further proved this statement.
In the early nineteenth century, America had a booze problem. At its peak, fifty percent of all crimes involved alcohol. Many considered that alcohol was ruining America. Religious grouped rallied; Industrialists said it affected productivity; Women campaigned against drunk men beating their wives. Considering that alcohol was the crystal meth of its day, on January 16, 1919, the 18th Amendment to the Constitution, suggesting a total ban on alcohol, was ratified. This was the best choice government could do to eliminate the negative impact alcohol had brought to American society. Only via such prohibition could people get along and live virtuous lives.
However, Prohibition created a nation of criminals. Although ban was put on alcohol, in a small county, 99 residents out of 100 were thought to be involved in bootlegging. Saliently the prohibition could not stop people from drinking. Worse still, the gangsters were in charge of most illegal liquor trade. Organized crime therefore had a stranglehold stretching across the country. The gangsters fought with each other for bootlegging benefits incessantly, even committed the most notorious slaying, St. Valentine’s Day massacre. Such social unrest was Prohibition had come to. Prohibition had been a disaster instead of a triumph. It had massively increased the stranglehold of organized crime and cost huge lost in government.
Good choice has the plausibility of leading a negative consequence if we only stare at the benefit and neglect the side effect. Therefore, whatever choices we make, we should always bear in mind that negative consequence is likely to occur every now and then.</p>

<p>A 7 or an 8.</p>

<p>Multiple grammatical mistakes throughout the essay, a plethora of misplaced vocabulary making you look pretentious, incoherent ideas and mediocre organization, sub-par examples, weak conclusion.</p>

<p>Work on all of these to improve your essay, also, review the “How to get a 12 essay in 10 days” thread, by AcademicHacker. (You can find it through Google).</p>

<p>I would say a 7. For the first example, try to use an actual instance rather than a theoretical moment and keep your example and explanation together in one paragraph (it’s probably just an accidental error you had there while typing this up but make sure not to split example and explanation). In addition, move the transition (“The failure of Prohibition further proved this statement.”) to the second paragraph. You can make it stronger (at least IMO) by restating the connection of the example to the thesis. Example: “Similarly, the disastrous Prohibition illustrates the potential for good choices to result in negative consequences.” Your second paragraph overall is good, but you fell apart towards the end; you have specific instances showing the negative results of a good decision which is great, but your sentences seem choppy and some are fragments. Furthermore, you need to reconnect with the thesis at the end of the second paragraph–emphasize the idea that good chives can still lead to bad consequences. </p>

<p>Monyistbitu already mentioned the general errors in your essay and the thread, so I won’t delve on them.</p>

<p>Hmm… interesting essay. I have never read an essay with a hypothetical example to support one’s thesis before. </p>

<p>I am very tired since this has been a long day so this will be my only post for today. But anyway, I can’t seem to find what Monyistbitu is critiquing on because I really find no problems with your grammar. But then, my brain exploded today so I must have missed something obvious, which I have a sense I did.</p>

<p>One thing I need to point out is one particular sentence:
<considering that="" alcohol="" was="" the="" crystal="" meth="" of="" its="" day,="" on="" january="" 16,="" 1919,="" 18th="" amendment="" to="" constitution,="" suggesting="" a="" total="" ban="" alcohol,="" ratified.=""></considering></p>

<p>This is an extremely awkward sentence with clauses and phrases building on top of each other in a very unorganized fashion. Also it is passive. You could rewrite such sentences as: “Viewing alcohol as the source of all evil, Congress passed the 18th Amendment, which prohibited all alcohol in the United States…” I have no idea what the first part of your sentence meant so I added something that makes sense to me. </p>

<p>Basically, your sentences get way too choppy in a series of sentences and then you have this enormous sentence with those phrases adding up onto each other in such an entangled structure that this mistake is all the more obvious. BTW your essay is overall simplistic. Your entire first paragraph is made up of simple sentences and the first half of your second paragraph is simple sentences. Be wary of oversimplifying your sentences and also “overcomplexifying” your sentence… my brain’s too tired to think of a real word for it. </p>

<p>You wrote more “sharp” facts in an essay than any other I have read in a long time. I mean with the date and percentage (seems too big too believe in tho), it sounds like you are well-versed in your examples which is great. The only thing you have to work on is cohesiveness. Cohesiveness in your syntax (sentence structure) and diction (word forms). Then your essay would increase in points by maybe 1-3 points. I think your conclusion is strong. There’s really not much to add there and many other people iwth high scores often finish their essays in the same way you do. </p>

<p>But of course if you want to get a 12 on the essay, then do what the first person suggested and read “How to get a 12 essay in 10 days” thread.</p>

<p>Good job :)</p>