But yea, I feel your pain… lots of close family members who never left the south and for the most part, still hold onto divisive views. There are a few outliers, but not many in my family.
This is about religion/ethnicity vs race, but just to show how dumb these divisions are. In 1964, my (Catholic) mother was engaged to my (Jewish) father. Don’t underestimate how much of a shocker this was in that day and age. Think “Only the Good Die Young” by Billy Joel and you’ve got the setting.
Her grandfather (Irish Catholic) was quite bigoted and upset, but at one point he came around. His rationale? “Well, he may be Jewish, but at least he’s not Italian.” Really now!!! Just all so stupid.
I grew up as an Army brat and never noticed or appreciated until I was an adult how diverse the schools were. I found my old class pictures not long ago and they reflected a great deal of diversity. We were bound together by the military, and having to move a lot meant we were all in the same boat trying to make new friends and adjust to new places and faces on a regular basis. I’m sure there were problems and prejudice that went right over my head, but I also feel that being immersed in diversity shaped my outlook on life. I will say, however, that until I went to college, I never had more than one Jewish friend, if that. There as never much of a Jewish community in the places we lived. Heck, a couple places were considered Catholic mission territory (<3% of the population) at the time.
Both my kids went to highly diverse public schools and found it ironic that when they went to college, the “diverse” student body bore no relation to the racial, ethnic and SES diversity they grew up with.
My other sibs and spouses live in a more socially conservative part of the country and I find myself gritting my teeth and choking back bile on a regular basis. My dad spouts stuff periodically that I never would have heard growing up. Was it always there? Has he lived in that community so long he has absorbed some of its prejudices? Is he losing his filters? I have kept my mouth shut for the sake of family harmony, but both my sons have said that if they hear their step cousins make disparaging comments about LGBTQ or racial/ethnic groups, they WILL say something. Good on them. They are braver than I am. We have to call each other out on some of this stuff in order to break down the walls.
I will always remember hearing this story - my mother went to visit a friend in San Antonio (who was originally from there). They went to a restaurant on the Riverwalk. The friend said - isn’t it so nice that “they” can eat here? My mother was looking around thinking - what on earth is she talking about? “They”? Just looks like a normal restaurant to me. Turns out her friend meant a black family sitting nearby. She wasn’t used to “them” being allowed in the same restaurants. Absolutely disgusting and insane.
When my kids were in high school, they considered it racist to ask what ethnic heritage someone had. I think that is the best thing. Don’t ask, don’t care.
Why is it racist to ask what ethnic heritage someone has?
But you would miss hearing about such interesting things.
A young woman whose family comes from Nigeria used to work in my office. She was engaged to a man who is also of Nigerian heritage, and they got married in Nigeria where most of his relatives live. They e-mailed photos to her closest friend at the office the next day, and dozens of us gathered around a computer ooh-ing and aah-ing over the pictures of our colleague in her beautiful Nigerian wedding outfit (which was SO much more flattering than our plain white gowns).
Why shouldn’t we have fun with stuff like this?
If the solution is to treat people like individuals, then why are colleges fighting so hard to maintain race-aware admissions when they could use socioeconomic-aware admission, the way MI, CA, FL do?
I think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with asking about another’s heritage until it becomes a way to “other” someone. I remember moving to a really homogeneous, white town and being white, but looking ethnically ambiguous (i.e., could be mistaken for Middle Eastern, or Hispanic, or Southern European, what have you) and being asked “well, what are you?” as if I was some alien species. Or sitting near someone telling a racist joke, pausing and asking me, "you’re not [race/ethnicity], right? Then proceeding to make the comment anyway.
In contrast, I love when people are genuinely curious and and ask me about my ethnicity. Then, I’m more than happy to share my heritage with someone. It’s all about the intent, imo
We’ve been living outside the US, in different countries, for the last doz years. My kids attended international schools with the racially diverse children of diplomats and workers of multi-national companies from every continent but Antarctica. We never perceive people in our expat community by their race, but by their nationality (of which people are fiercely proud to self-identify). Inter-racial marriages, playmates and dating are so much the norm that no one gives it a second thought.
It’s when I step out of our expat bubble (in the host countries and in America) that I see how totally screwed up race relations are EVERYWHERE on earth.
I’ve been wondering why racial harmony exists in our expat bubble, when it doesn’t exist in the “real” world.
Have you all seen the CNN clip with the Dallas trauma surgeon struggling to find words to express how he still fears the police? It is absolutely heart wrenching.
I can’t figure out how to link it on my phone.
@greenwitch Here you go: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/dallas-surgeon-delivers-poignant-message-defending-police-fearing/story?id=40501531
Re #29
Perhaps the shared experience as expats is far more defining than race or ethnicity?
Re #29
Perhaps the shared experience as expats is far more defining than race or ethnicity?
“When my kids were in high school, they considered it racist to ask what ethnic heritage someone had. I think that is the best thing. Don’t ask, don’t care.”
Actually, my D and her classmates at her very diverse school (both racially, culturally and SES) LOVE talking about their heritage. They care quite a bit, but in a good way. They are NOT all one color or share one religion, or come from the same culture, country or economic background. They enjoy sharing and educating each other about what their lives are like. How wonderful that they actually appreciate these differences! How wrong it would be to pretend these differences don’t exist.
For a cultural night at school various cultural groups at school perform and create presentations, families are also encouraged to bring ethnic dishes. Good thing they’re ASKED and that people CARE.
Interestingly, this does not create more wedges between the kids and their families, instead, it brings them closer together. They look out for each other, support each other, raise money for families in crisis, step in for each other, and stand up for them. THIS is the way you bring people together, not by pretending everyone is the same.
My son is 1/4 Indonesian by ethnicity. His complexion is just slightly darker and he has deep brown eyes. He looks just non-Caucasian enough that people can identify he’s not 100% Caucasian, but can’t identify what his ethnicity is.
Both friends and strangers have asked him that cringe-worthy question ‘what are you?’ his entire life. He finally came up with a response that I love,“I’m an American, the same as you.”
While it wouldn’t bother me for someone to ask where his ancestors come from or what ethnicity he is, I get very offended when people say “What are you?”
For those of us with Eastern European roots, it’s all so arbitrary “what we are.” Am I Polish? Russian? Latvian? Depends on when you drop the pin.
Here’s something I did that is really trivial, but it meant more than I expected. When my daughter was in kindergarten, she befriended a black classmate. So of course we had play dates. Her friend asked if D could come over her house. I said yes. Her mother told me that I was the first white person who agreed to let my child play in her black neighborhood. Everybody else insisted that the play date take place in their white neighborhood. We’ve been friends for 20 years now (mom and I).
“Both friends and strangers have asked him that cringe-worthy question ‘what are you?’”
My youngest son gets asked that too because of his coloring. People think he is either part Hispanic, Indian or Black. Way way way back there was some Native American Indian. He has gotten used to the question but it’s kind of strange that people would ask that of someone.
We chose to live in the most racially diverse neighborhood in a racially diverse city. It’s a struggle though - the grownups are friendly, but people still tend to socialize most with people who look like them. The kids do better than we do. My youngest, in particular, has a very diverse group of friends. I’d love to see religious institutions get involved.
Our town also started a conversation group about a year ago where whites and blacks got together once a month and discussed race relations.