I think one solution would be to stop categorizing and stereotyping everyone. This can only create further divisions. We hear these labels from all directions…everyone wants to pigeonhole us…Politicians claim to “own” the black vote or the rural vote, job apps ask for race, the religious right acts this way, the Hispanic community thinks that way, white kids, inner city youth, immigrants cannot be trusted, etc. Stop it!!!
I think (at least I hope) that our divisions are based more on ignorance than on racism so lets start putting like with like. Lets come together in our individual roles. As mothers, teammates, coaches, fellow knitters/quilters, church goers, cigar smokers, gardeners, dancers, volunteers…the list is endless and so is the potential for new friendships. The more we share, the more we spend time together, the stronger our bond will be and the more similar we become.
I am white, as are my parents and siblings. My sister’s ex-husband is black. My nephew is mixed race. I think that being able to observe up close both the greater challenges my black family members face in society because of skin color and the many ways in which skin color has nothing to do with the struggles we have in common has helped to reduce my biases.
Oops - The last line in my post #40 should not read the “more similar”, but rather the more cohesive, happier, less biased, understanding and better peopler we become.
@scout59 :
“The casualness of their racism is awful,” and then, " I do think, though, that modeling behavior for children works."
The trickiness of these statements is their point of intersection.
When people (all types of people) gather with intimates and those who closest reflect their own lifestyles, they drop their guard and say all types of things that they would never openly, consciously say when they perceive themselves as modeling behavior for the children.
As we all know, children learn who we are at heart not by what comes from us in those moments when we seek to control what we give and show, but in those moments when we reveal what is in our hearts.
That is when they listen to more than what we have said, but to what we have meant. That is when they can see the gnarled and gnashed teeth behind the smiles.
Because of our polyglot ethnic heritages in HI, a lifttle one came home from preschool very distressed. “Mommy, I’m chinese and what other ethnicity. I need to know because all the other kids are at least 2 ethnicities.” She wrinkled her brow for a bit and then beamed, “I know, I’m Chinese and Catholic!”
The kids all found learning about different ethnicities fun and interesting!
We moved to a very diverse area when my kids were 12 and 9, and they quickly developed diverse groups of friends, who all accepted each other very easily. But when they reached the age where dating entered the picture, things changed. Some kids would date anyone, regardless of their heritage. Others would only date those who shared their heritage.
Now, my kids have reached an age where marriage is a distinct possibility (and in fact, one of them is engaged), and I also work with a lot of people in their 20s and 30s in a diverse environment. And I see a division among the young people between those who don’t consider their heritage or a potential partner’s heritage to be a major issue and those who value their heritage so much that they wouldn’t consider a partner who doesn’t share it. And of course there’s a third group – those of mixed heritage themselves – who don’t have the choice of selecting someone who shares their background. It gets complex.
I grew up in The South, and transitioned from the time of racial segregation (when we were not allowed to attend schools with white children, eat at the Five and Dime lunch counter, or try on clothing at local dept. stores) to school desegregation and other social advances. Noting the differences between those times has informed a lifetime of my personal views, and I can firmly say diversity beats ignorance and prejudice EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
My H of thirty-two years is white, and our two adult children are (obviously) bi-racial. They were raised knowing and being accepted by both sides of their family, and their individual friendship cohorts have always been very diverse. It helped tremendously that we raised them in an area that has a very large military contingency, with each branch being well represented (H and I met while both serving in the Navy, too), so racial and ethnic diversity were literally the milieu in which our kids were raised. It also helped that, though they were sometimes asked the “what are you” question, it was often asked out of interest from someone who was also biracial (or multi-racial)—there were honestly that many kids here whose families were mixed. Looking around, that still appears to be true here. Our neighborhood is middle class, full of military families and families of civil servants, and by most American standards, is probably extremely racially, ethnically and religiously diverse. And when we go out and about our daily lives, we routinely see mixed families.
I am extremely thankful for the differences that have taken place since I was a little girl. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still see racism rearing its ugly head in America. All it takes is to look at certain popular political trends that encourage the xenophobia desire to deny entry into America of an entire religious group, and push-back against “political correctness” in favor of “telling it like it is”. All it takes is hearing, yet again, something essentially akin to, “well, if they weren’t just so damned socially pathological, I wouldn’t think so disparagingly of them.” Or “But they think of themselves as separate from us. If they didn’t hyphenate themselves, we wouldn’t see them as different.” In other words, it’s their fault I have to try to suppress the urge to curl my lip when thinking about them.
We’re not in Hawaii, but we live in an area where many of the kids are Asian. Most have Asian first names on their birth certificates, but many use American first names in everyday life. One of my kids said that she would feel left out on the first day of school, when the teacher would call the roll, and many of her classmates would respond to their names and then tell the teacher their American first name. My kid felt deprived because she only has one name.
@poetsheart for the best post on this thread. THIS, exactly: “In other words, it’s their fault I have to try to suppress the urge to curl my lip when thinking about them.” and the fix: “I can firmly say diversity beats ignorance and prejudice EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.”
Interestingly today, my Facebook reminded me of a post I made exactly two years ago after I’d visited the museum at the site of the Woolworth lunch counter where the first sit-ins took place in Greensboro, NC. I wrote about seeing photos and videos of young people my daughter’s age being abused by those who couldn’t abide by blacks sitting in the same seats they used, and further into the exhibit seeing a list of names of those killed for simply wanting to be equal. The names included many teens.
This post was followed by a person I’m related to, sadly, reposting a meme about several prominent African Americans and how they’ve “destroyed” America. This person can count the number of black people she knows on 2 fingers. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that she has such views and knows almost entirely people like herself.
If you want to see how segregated or integrated the various neighborhoods in the region that you live are, you may want to look at this map: http://demographics.coopercenter.org/DotMap/ . Zoom in to get to city or neighborhood level views.
Definitely continue speaking out against racism. Even if the person does not immediately realize what they said was wrong it still plants a seed in their head and they might think twice before saying something similar in the future. If you are silent they will assume it’s okay to say and your silence is in a way an agreement to their racist statement.
One of the most important things to do as a non black person right now is to listen to black people. It’s very hard for us to understand exactly what they’re going through right now - we don’t really have any frame of reference. If we want to be allies to the black community (and the POC community) our job is not to shout over them, but to amplify their voices. In my area churches host Black Lives Matter meetings that are open to people of any race, consider attending one of those so you can show your support and learn more about their experiences. They will also be able to connect you with activism opportunities near you.
Another important thing to do is to call your local and state politicians. Tell them that you’re a constituent and that you want them to work on bills to decrease police brutality (initiatives could include requiring body cams, sensitivity training, etc.). If a bill you support is coming up for a vote call your representatives/senators/governor (depending on which stage the bill is at). Phone calls do have an effect, especially during election season. Get your friends and family to call too, the more phone calls the better.
Finally as a mom it’s really important that you model what a good ally to the black (and POC) community looks like. Children are not born prejudiced, they simply learn what’s okay by watching how adults treat others. If your children are younger pick out movies and books for them that have POC characters. This will help them empathize with people who look different than them and help them not see POC as the other. If your children are older talk to them about the shootings, Donald Trump, Brexit, white washing, etc. It’s important to have a dialogue about these issues so you can make sure your children are aware of how these events are affecting people. This is especially important if you live in a majorly white neighborhood or if your kids attend a majorly white school. Even if they’re younger you can still have some of these conversations with them, they probably have picked up on some of what’s been happening from word of mouth or by seeing it in a newspaper or on tv. Young kids might not fully understand what’s going on and depending on what they’re hearing they might be scared or upset. It’s also important that you make sure they’re not getting the wrong messages, for example in the UK there have been reports of elementary students saying prejudiced things to Muslim classmates or excluding POC.
I also want to recommend the book Citizen by Claudia Rankine! A very interesting thought provoking book that combines poetry, prose, and art to examine race relations in America.
@poetsheart - I wish I could like your post a million times. I grew up in the South too, in a very rural area. My first-grade class was the first integrated class in the history of my county schools. When I hear people from my hometown say things like “race relations now are the worst that they’ve ever been” and when I see Facebook posts like those mentioned by @sseamom, I have to wonder… and shake my head.
Where we live, there is not a lot of economic diversity in the suburbs. The affluent families are housed in certain suburbs, the middle class in others, the working poor in others. The different races are not equally represented across the economic strata, there is little desire for putting in affordable housing in affluent suburbs, and we continue to live in communities of sameness.
Supporting communities with policies to increase socio-economic diversity is something we can do. I suspect it will challenge many of us. Strong NIMBY feelings can emerge, and probably most people, given the chance, want to move up and away from poor people.
Big changes occur when it gets personal. Your best new friend on the block is a different color than you are, etc.
@ucbalumnus thanks for the link to the map. (Post #52) It was really interesting to look at suburban NY and see what the different towns look like. Ours has areas that are diverse and others that are not. One interesting thing that we have is an area that has always been the recent immigrant part of town. Back at the turn of the century it was German, then it became Italian, now it’s mostly Hispanic. Since it’s an area with a lot of two and three family houses on small lots, it will probably always be segregated. Each new wave of immigrants moves out when they can afford to.
Lots of good ideas on this thread! As far as dealing with offensive remarks, whether from the in-laws or from acquaintances, I have found that it is really helpful to PRACTICE what to say. We did this at a training at work (which was about bullying) and it really, really helped me be ready to speak up with the in-laws. I don’t know that objecting to racist or biased comments changes how people think, especially not immediately, but at least it sets an example for the children.
Practicing is a good idea. I’m uncomfortable with letting people get away with racist or other hateful comments and thinking I condone it somehow because I didn’t say anything. Even rolling your eyes and leaving the room is something. More powerful would be to say anything to indicate that it’s not OK with you. “Please don’t say racist things in front of me” or “in front of my kids”. Or something similar.
It’s awful to hear of family members saying things often and never getting any feedback about how awful it is. Maybe if they hear the same phrase over and over they will at least consider not spewing their hatred in front of others.