post-wedding reflections (apologies for length)

Parent Cafe
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<p>I was an active participant in many wedding threads and after all was done, wanted to come back here and share the “after” report.</p>

<p>First, many thanks to those here who were generous with input and suggestions, especially on the MOB dress thread. I will forever be grateful to chocchipcookie for suggesting the dress I ended up with, as well as to others who gave good advice.</p>

<p>Here are some of my thoughts:</p>

<p>Life after the wedding is good! I had been concerned about a post-wedding letdown but am actually delighted to get back to focusing on some of my own agendas. My D’s engagement was one year, and that is long enough for wedding talk for me! Enjoyed the experience, but happy to move on now. (H and I took our own post-wedding trip and I think that helped, and I recommend that to anyone else in a position to do so. Since the wedding was not near our home base, we explored the area near the wedding location (where D and her H now live)).</p>

<p>Things that were of concern to me during the wedding planning stage that mattered not one bit on the actual day:
– Whether the groomsmen’s ties were the same shade of the wedding color as the bridesmaids’ dresses – my D was very casual about that, and I eventually realized it did not matter! Same for flower girl’s dress – D just told mother of flower girl to choose something in a purple range and the FG’s dress was delightful, although not at all close to the bridesmaids’ dresses in color. I can be obsessive about some things, and realized that the spirit of the color chosen (for a sentimental reason) mattered more than being matchy-matchy.
– Some of my D’s ideas for the wedding that I had not been enthusiastic about ended up being among my favorite parts of the day. She had wanted us to bring up our croquet set so that guests could play croquet on the lawn during the reception. I thought it would be inconvenient and unlikely to get much if any action, as most reception activity would be inside the tent. The croquet turned out to be a major hit, and the source of some great pictures, and one of the unique aspects of their celebration. Same with her idea of holding off on group posed photos until after the reception (morning ceremony with reception going to mid-afternoon). The post-reception private trolley ride for just bridal party and immediate family to take pics at some local sites was lots of fun, and doing it this way meant the bride and groom did not have to miss the cocktail hour, as often is the case. Amazingly, even the kids stayed fresh and photogenic!</p>

<p>Some things I still struggle with:
The day went so quickly, and I found myself skittering about yet not able to make contact with each guest, as I had hoped to do. (112 or so guests) Many on the groom’s side had traveled far, and although I got to know his family members, I did not get to interact with all of his friends. I was torn between making sure I visited with our own side, many of whom had also traveled to attend, and getting to know the people new to us. There was no receiving line (I think because groom’s parents are divorced and B & G wanted to avoid any potential awkwardness re that since his dad had remarried) so there were some guests I never even met. I hardly danced with my H because I gave priority to interacting with guests (figured H would always be there, and he fully understood and tried to do the same I did.) But I feel bad when I look at pictures and see guests I never met, and also worry that I may have given some of our own guests less personal attention than they deserved. Also had hoped to make more connections between our guests than I accomplished.</p>

<p>H and I did give a joint “duet” welcome speech, alternating short paragraphs, which I tried to make inclusive of each group of guests without naming any individually. I was happy we did this, but wish we had worked enough ahead to have memorized it – we read from our printed copies.</p>

<p>The day after breakfast which we hosted was wonderful, and worked well for getting to visit with some guests in a more relaxed and smaller group. (But only about a fifth of the guests attended, as many had left town following the reception.) </p>

<p>If there are any responses, please do not mention the wedding/reception site, which some have deduced, as I hope to preserve my family’s online anonymity. Any discussions of that aspect are welcome via PM.</p>

<p>Overall, H and I feel quite blessed, and D and her H seem very happy.
Finally, I treasure the appreciative e-mails re the wedding I have received from a number of guests, and resolve to do the same re future weddings I enjoy.</p>

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<p>Jem, thank you for posting and congratulations!</p>

<p>My D sat me down last night and started mentioning the W word, so I really appreciate your wisdom and insight well before I have to start thinking of the details.</p>

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<p>^ I will look forward to your developments along this line. Please keep us “posted!” Enjoy the process – it is a special time and the phrase “When a child finds true love, a parent finds true joy” so resonated with us that we included it in our reception welcome speech.</p>

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<p>She hasn’t gotten engaged yet, she just told me that they have set a timeline for engagement and marriage. This D always has to have a plan, a list, and a timeline for everything. The boyfriend opened up an account for a future child last week. They are both very funny. The reason she told me that they are starting the planning and timing process is because she wanted me to know their priorities and expectations well ahead of time so there can be no hard feelings. They did the same with his family so that we can all know that they are planning a smallish, low-key wedding with a great priority of having it at a time, place and circumstance that will (God willing) include two very elderly and frail grandmothers. They were both afraid that when the ring comes, we will all have hopes and expectations that might not mesh in the excitement of the moment.</p>

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<p>^ They sound so thoughtful and wise, and it sounds like they are communicating very well between each other and with their respective families. Blessings!</p>

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<p>Great to hear from you, I’m wondering about post-wedding let-down, too. Our daughter’s wedding is next month, so I’m hoping to learn from you! Any details I should be aware of that were particularly useful, pro or con? I’m meeting with the caterer, florist, hotel, and first fitting this weekend. The rest I have to handle long-distance. Just getting responses now, the wedding is about six weeks and 1000 miles away! While it’s all fresh in your mind, I’d love any and all advice, from anyone! </p>

<p>We’re pretty easy going, even if it is a black tie preferred (my daughter’s choice) reception. The bridesmaids were not happy with D’s color choice, so we switched to black gowns of their own choosing, gold shoes to keep some of the gold color she originally wanted. (Gold chiffon looks like nude stockings, gold satin too unforgiving, hence the color change).</p>

<p>My daughter and her fiance are very busy, and are happy to have me very involved. I’ve included his family in all major and most minor decisions, and his mom will join us this weekend at all the appointments. </p>

<p>Isn’t it funny how you notice things from the MOB perspective now, such as little notes on the response cards? I love that people take the time to say something nice, instead of just checking off the appropriate box!</p>

<p>And I’m concerned too about getting to talk with all the guests (somewhere around 175-200 I think). I’ll need my sisters to keep me on my toes.</p>

<p>I love your last post! So true!</p>

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<p>Shoot, too late, I mean post #3</p>

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<p>JEM, many thanks for the review/reflections of your daughter’s big day! I’m partial to morning weddings and am pleased to know they still exist! :-)</p>

<p>I so enjoyed looking at all the MOB dress choices, but have forgotten which one you chose! At your convenience, would you please post a link?!</p>

<p>Congratulations!</p>

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<p>^ Here’s a link to the post which refers to my MOB dress.
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1469554-dress-people-mob-help-20.html#post15925259[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1469554-dress-people-mob-help-20.html#post15925259&lt;/a&gt;
The skirt was more ombre in varying shades of silverish/purple than the picture shows. If you can’t see it just PM me with your e-mail addy and I will send you a pic. Thanks for your interest!</p>

<p>And yes, I too am partial to morning weddings. Can’t imagine hanging around all day waiting to get married. My own was at 11 a.m. and my D’s was at 10 a.m.! (They are morning people.)</p>

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<p>JEM- thanks for sharing and congratulations to your family for having such a special time. </p>

<p>Our kids have no wedding plans in the immediate future, but am noting your idea for photos and a touring trolley concept after the reception as an option to mention. Seems like a good way to wind down with the immediate family and wedding party. I also think that letting go of my ways and assumptions will be an important aspect of having a great time with this phase.</p>

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<p>Sounds like it was a wonderful wedding!</p>

<p>I am the single mom of a girl adopted from China, and we had her bat mitzvah (including religious ceremony, borrowed Torah and all) in a Chinese dim sum hall in NYC’s Chinatown where she attended elementary school. It worked out great and everyone had a fabulous time (myself included) but I definitely had to invent the wheel from beginning to end. That night at home, my daughter and i both realized that neither of us had had a single bite to eat! Oh well, we can always go back to the restaurant and order the food on our menu!</p>

<p>Mom of bride, don’t worry, you have many years to meet the wedding guests you didn’t have time to talk to! Congratulations to you and your daughter and son-in-law.</p>

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<p>^^^^^^ Threekids, my main advice is to accept that it is the wedding of the bride and groom, and to the extent possible, let them take the lead, and relax and enjoy. </p>

<p>You are now in the final lap!</p>

<p>What I think helped me:</p>

<p>I made lots of lists, keeping the lists both online and on paper. Had a travel “organization” bag I kept all notes and necessities in. Wanted everything that could be done in advance finished a month before the wedding. Of course that did not happen, but it at least got me to a manageable point. </p>

<p>Because my D’s wedding was a destination wedding for us, I was paranoid about forgetting something so set up a staging area in our guest room weeks in advance. I had lists of what I needed to bring, what my H needed to bring, lists of what I needed to do and when, what I would wear each day/event of the wedding weekend, agendas for the hospitality (in our hotel suite the nights previous to the wedding). Accumulated all the non-perishable supplies for that well in advance. The more I had all set in advance the better I felt. </p>

<p>For the month before the wedding, I made no elective social plans – wanted to free myself up for wedding prep, and be able to relax and savor with any free time remaining.</p>

<p>We got the playlist for the songs for the wedding reception from the groom, and H and I took dance lessons focusing on some of those songs. We even shared the playlist with some of our family and friends so they could practice their dancing as well.</p>

<p>There was a traditional Greek celebratory folk dance at the reception (other mother-in-law was born in Greece) and I learned the steps to it online so I could join in at the reception. Also shared online links to learning that dance with some other guests.</p>

<p>Well in advance, I got a copy of the menu from the restaurant for the morning after breakfast options, whited out the prices, and had it reprinted on nice paper bordered with the wedding color. That way the morning of the breakfast I could replace the restaurant menus with our more gracious ones, as I did not want guests to see prices when ordering. The breakfast was in a private room and I had a table set up with a Bose CD player and romantic music CDs, and also had copies of photo books of D and her fiance on display. All this was easily planned in advance but made that event more gracious/personal. </p>

<p>I had annotated the guest list with comments/info on each of the guests (some based on info provided by the groom), so even if I did not know them myself, I could be somewhat familiar with their backgrounds/connections to the bride or groom when I eventually met them. Brought that along with me, as well as the table seating assignments. </p>

<p>I showed up early at the site (same site for both ceremony and reception) and stashed my supplies (camera, purse, silver tote bag with my notes, etc., cell phone) under my table in the reception tent so that I could walk down the aisle for the ceremony free from “stuff.” </p>

<p>Oh, and I had ordered Solemates silver slip-on ballet flats that folded up and fit into a small zipped packet and stayed in my sliver purse for when, at the reception, my feet tired of being in high heels. Highly recommended!</p>

<p>P.S. I agree – the notes on the response cards were much appreciated.</p>

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<p>THIS!
So true, the day just zips by</p>

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<p>JEM,
Thanks for your post! We will be in this situation next summer, and for us this will also be a “destination” wedding in the sense that the bride’s family lives on the opposite side of the country. I especially appreciated your comments about things that were of concern pre-wedding which didn’t end up being any issue at all on the day of. Specifically, I have been worried about matching colors. I have asked the bride what she would like me to wear and she told me that I should wear whatever I want! I did pry out of her that her mother is wearing long, navy blue, so I guess I won’t worry about “which” navy blue I pick. ;)</p>

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<p>Great job meeting or trying to meet every guest there. I always notice when the bride/groom or their immediate families do that. I think I’ve been to too many weddings where you’re just one of the crowd that was invited and no one in the wedding party makes any effort to acknowledge that you took the time, money, and effort to come; that always comes across tacky to me like “I needed to say I had x guests at my wedding and now that I have them, I will hang out with my 5 best friends all night and not even say hi to the rest.”</p>

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<p>I think one of the things about weddings we all forget is the prime reason is to allow the two people to share in their vows and their special day, and it gets all lost in it having to be perfect. JEM, it sounds to me like your D kind of understood the nature of weddings, the idea of having croquet set up was a hoot, and making it unique is always a great thing. To be honest, I have been at more then a few weddings, with all the fancy trappings, the catering halls with the fountains spraying some sort of punch or whatever,the exquisite gowns, the whole hurrah, and to be honest, the weddings I remember were the ones where people were really happy to be there, and the people were more important than the trappings. My wife and I pretty much planned our whole wedding, and it came together in unorthodox ways, we didn’t go through all the angst, and somehow it came together incredibly well, everyone, even the biggest pain in the butts in my family, remember it and still are glowing about it 25 years later (the same people on the other hand compare it to a cousin’s wedding that had all the glitz and glam, and rip the other one apart, which bothers me,and I hope no one was crass enough to say anything, they did what they wanted to, we did what we did, which was important). </p>

<p>I think your D realized that putting special touches on it makes a difference, one of the reasons we didn’t go the wedding hall route was because to use there was nothing unique about it, about us and who we were. We ended up being married under a beautiful old tree on a stone patio next to a small river in an original growth forest you wouldn’t know was in an urban area, squirrels running around being bad, a blue heron flying overhead, being married by a one of a kind minister, and moving to where we were married to a piece of music that was special to us, and then shared in a heck of a meal done by a family run business, and dancing to a jazz band we had picked personally, and it was magic:). It was magic because it was us and I think people picked up on that. </p>

<p>The other thing to remember is that in the end, people remember what was good about a wedding and forget the bad, like 1970’s wedding tuxedoes <em>lol</em>.</p>

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<p>^ Thank you, your post warns my heart. </p>

<p>Yes, numerous guests commented to us that the wedding was very “Bridename and Groomname” and it was. No tuxes (groom, not a suit guy, wore a blazer and khakis), no tossing of bouquet or garter, no wedding cake (instead, a dessert that groom had made for our D the night they became engaged was served).</p>

<p>Ceremony was under a pavilion on a site surrounded by water on three sides.</p>

<p>The croquet really added a unique flair and was set up on the lawn right by a major river (on the grounds of an urban museum property). The groom’s dad, as well as another guest, accidentally sent balls flying into the river. Fortunately, the balls floated and a very fit friend of the groom’s went over the iron railing, hung on to it for support while reclining on the narrow concrete ledge, and leaned over and out to fish out the balls using a croquet mallet to bring them within reach. The photographer was able to catch this action.</p>

<p>I was so impressed, once I experienced it, with how well the bride and groom handled the planning and details of this wedding, giving it personality while keeping it low key. May their teamwork re their marriage be just as thoughtful and joyful.</p>

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<p>My DD also had a fun outdoor game at her wedding and at least half the guest played. It was fun and light hearted.</p>

<p>Our mantra was, “it’s just a party” so any time anyone began to get stressed about a detail, we said, “it’s just a party”; we ended up with relatively stress-free prep and wedding day and all good memories.</p>

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<p>Also, one thing I highly recommend, make sure the expectations between Bride-Photographer-MOB-MOG for photos is clear AND make sure you, Mom, know the times YOU will be in the photos. It seems like they are taking photos much earlier now than in my day and for an evening wedding, I did not know to be dressed and made up by 11AM for bride getting ready shots. I am thankful for black and white photos!</p>

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<p>Hey JEM!</p>

<p>I’m on cc more sporadically now, and didn’t see your thread! (Until now) I am totally honored that I was helpful in you finding your dress for your D’s wedding! :slight_smile: Hopefully you felt calm and confident! It really was such a pretty outfit and I hope you got lots of compliments!</p>

<p>Hi Threekids! ;)</p>

<p>JEM: The wedding day sounds beautiful. I agree that it’s important for it to be a day about the bride and groom. Yikes, I’ve only planned Bar Mitzvahs where I didn’t have to share in the planning with another family, but alas, I have two sons, so looks like most of the future wedding planning won’t involve me (?) I’ll live vicariously through all you mom’s who are at that stage…I’m still in the college & high school stage over here!</p>

<p>Threekids: I sincerely hope your wedding planning is going smoothly too. Yikes, it’s always all the little details! Remember to have fun and remember on the day of the wedding to look around and enjoy the experience! It really does go so fast after months of planning!</p>