Posting my essays for all to see

fiona_1 · March 25, 2009, 11:39am

MIT reject, Harvey Mudd acceptee, waiting on Princeton. Comment on them, for what it’s worth… I’d be extremely interested in hearing people’s comments. I wrote them pretty last-minute-y. Search my posts if you wanna know my stats :)

(Commonapp) In the space provided below:

My first cheer performance was a disaster. I had five days to learn the 10-minute routine, set to a fast-paced Britney Spears mix track. I had never been fast at picking up dance steps, and before the entire school, I forgot my steps. The next year, I deliberated over joining cheer–the previous year was enough embarrassment for a lifetime. But surprisingly, I found myself enjoying practice, without the pressure of a performance impending in five days. In front of the coldly-reflecting mirror, every finger had to be arranged, every arm poised, every pleat on the skirt tucked carefully. The motions looked smooth, but had been manicured until spontaneity became a fiction. And after I got over my fears, I found performing exhilaratingly exciting. Standing on the track, the familiar beats fluidly caress my ears, and as I count – 1, 2, down, up – I anticipate the high after successfully flying. I just smile and let my body take over.

(MIT) Although you may not yet know what you want to major in:

Ever since I was a wee child, I have asked questions. Horrible questions. I’ll give my mother credit for trying, but back when I asked “Why do I have to take this medicine?”, “Because it’s good for you” didn’t cut it. In the eighth grade, a door opened–my chemistry teacher dropped clear Biuret solution into test tubes, and voila, the protein-containing liquids turned violet. Chemistry has answered some of my questions, like how aspirin relieves headaches (by disabling the pain enzyme). But many are still unanswered. For example, building up complex molecules from simple ones–a conundrum that requires puzzle-solving skills as much as technical knowledge. I don’t expect that a MIT Chemistry education will answer all my questions, but with faculty expertise in many sub-fields, I will learn the basics. And through the widely available opportunities for undergraduate research, I can answer more of my questions; though undoubtedly, I will raise even more along the way.

(Commonapp:

My family is all girls. Typecasting, bigoted but usually somewhat truthful, is brought to a new level of failure here. Where are the alpha male, the housewife, and the child? My 45-year-old mum has been working a nine-to-five accountant job to provide for the family ever since my dad left in 1991–but she also loves to decorate. My grandmother cooks and cleans, but she also weeds the garden. 

I qualify as the child by virtue of age; I study at school and receive the obligatory stream of constant reminders about homework and chores. However, I double as the resident menial laborer, although any other family would think a scrawny 110-lbs girl weak. Assembling an IKEA pine-veneer bookcase? Sure. I also own a keychain screwdriver, and nearly qualify as a mover.

I also work on the technical jobs. Recently I replaced the keyboard on my Dell laptop in order not to pay 40 dollars–“Too expensive!” With an eHow.com guide (step-by-step!) I meticulously unscrewed every one of the 24 screws on the metal chassis before realizing that I only had to remove a plastic bevel above the keyboard. Doing stuff for the family is usually fun, but frustrating. My mother and I once painted an entire master bedroom in seven hours–I couldn’t stand the aroma of turpentine for weeks.

My grandmother, true to stereotype, is a domestic expert. Grandma still alters the curtains with her 1960s Singer. On the same machine that she used to sew my mother’s school uniforms, I’ve learned how to thread a needle and oil the gears, and press the pedal just so that the machine purrs away happily without sticking. Now that her eyesight’s deteriorating, I do some of the sewing; not with the machine, but simple darning and mending.

Apart from sewing skills, my grandmother has taught me real thrift–not just sending used clothes to the Salvation Army, but avoiding waste by extracting full utility from everything. I’ve learned not to throw away dragon-fruit peel; it makes an excellent rejuvenating mask to rival Olay’s best offerings. Led by my grandmother, my family tries to recycle as much as possible–old clothes become rags and worn bed sheets become pillowcases. Much to my chagrin, most Singaporeans still don’t recycle. My friends still throw away aluminum cans despite my reminders: every recycled can saves 300 kcal!

Though my mother supports the family, pays the taxes, and fixes the heaters, she’s not any ordinary worker bee. She’s also a closet wannabe Martha Stewart with a vision for decor. The beautiful cut-rate antique vase (cut-rate, because of the crack on the bottom) in the corner, she bought from eBay. My mother picked out all the knick-knacks and potted plants in the basement, which is wonderfully kitschy and eclectic.

Truthfully, I’m not as close to my mother as my grandmother. When I was young, my grandmother cooked my meals, saw me up the school bus, and oversaw my homework. On the other hand, my mother had to work late and usually came home after I had gone to bed. Still, I see and appreciate her sacrifices; she perseveres for us. I try to contribute too–I tutored a secondary-school boy in Math, Physics and Chemistry, but somehow the $200 I brought in a month didn’t make much of a dent when gas alone was $300. 

I love my mother for what she does (a lot!), but I love her more for why she does it–for the woman who brought her up, and the girl she’s bringing up.

asdf10101 · March 29, 2009, 1:46pm

i actually can’t believe that you were rejected from MIT…dunno what they were thinking, b/c with your stats, awards (international olympiad, hello!), and your writing your should have been an excellent candidate. i think that you have more than a great shot at pton. (go tigers!)

1) a bit cliche, but does its job.

2) closing is pretty cute. again, it does its job.

3) haha. i also put down chem (MIT waitlister here). i felt that my answer was worse than yours though. you turned a rather short/word-restricted prompt into a mini-story that had some context, background, and direction. mini-intro, fast (but not awkward or unusual) segue, and satisfying closing- nice.

4) loved it. i really do see snippets of your personality. it feels like piece by piece i am getting to know you. personal and personable. i can detect zero pretentiousness and 100% genuineness. just 2 things: a) you share the spotlight with your mother and grandmother. and while that may be the intended purpose and a humble gesture, it is not suited for an essay that is meant to showcase yourself. b) structure. a bit too many paragraphs, all of which are consistent in size (good)…but consistently short. there doesn’t seem to be much room to really flesh out each characteristic you bring up about yourself. so basically, i get a good outline of who you are, but not as much substance. bring on the meat! your ideas are great, but kind of scattered (sewing, thrift, handiness…so?). but overall, i love your writing style. it’s casual but controlled, and it really shows that you can write!

reading your essays make mine seem too somber and serious XD o wellz. harvey mudd’s a great place. and best of luck with princeton! i really hope that you get in.

chaospaladin · March 29, 2009, 11:20pm

Excellent essays. :)

fiona_1 · April 1, 2009, 10:03am

I agree with you on the paragraphing bit. My essay does jump around quite a lot, and I was totally stumped on what to cut out–I felt my grandmother and mother were pretty integral.

My results: Denied–MIT, Princeton, Wellesley. Accepted–Harvey Mudd, Reed

fiona_1 · April 14, 2009, 4:59am

bump 10char :)

c1ndy · April 17, 2009, 9:01pm

I am assuming you are posting your essays here to inquire the reasons as to why you were rejected/waitlisted despite your wonderful stats. To make the response most effective, I will try to be as honest as I possibly can. Please don’t take these comments personal.
In my opinion, your essays, though wonderfully written, are somewhat sporadic. Since you want to major in Chemistry, it would help if you focus one or more of your other essays into the joy of conducting experimentations or solving problems. The most significant boost one can give one’s essay is a decent demonstration of passion. Somehow it seems to me that your essays haven’t done a really good job at conveying your inner passion. Saying you have always been inquisitive is one thing, talking about what you have done to pursue your passion is another. Actions speak louder than words.

nj_azn_premed · April 17, 2009, 11:11pm

Your essays sound extremely childish in places and are riddled with severe grammatical errors such as the one noted above. I’d say this contributed to your rejection.

zephyravatar · April 18, 2009, 10:06pm

^unnecessarily harsh.

Your writing is amazing. Forget the pedantic grammar mistakes, good writers can get away with bending the rules. All your responses were engaging, revealing, and unique.

I like your essay in that it really comes from you, and not just any person. I am somewhat surprised MIT, Princeton, and Wellesley rejected, but I am sure you’ll do great at Harvey Mudd.

However, I don’t think there’s quite enough in the essay about you. Depends on the person reading it though.

fiona_1 · April 20, 2009, 1:57am

@c1ndy I can definitely see your point of view, I chose not to write about academic areas because of my awards, as I didn’t want my application to be overly dominated by my academics. But the application probably ended up a little patchy/holey as a result (because of my non-ideal essays)

@njaznpremed Oh Oh, why are there always ‘glaring grammar errors’ which other people can see but I can never spot. Anyhow, there’re more ways to read a text than one, but I honestly didn’t see it as childish. I would be intensely curious to hear your viewpoint…

nj_azn_premed · April 20, 2009, 2:18am

I’m sorry if I seemed harsh, but my intent was to impress upon you some of the more glaring errors in your essays. Here’s my critique of your last essay, since you wanted my viewpoint:

<ul>
<li>You draw too much attention to your family’s financial constraints. This is a somewhat cliche topic for a college essay and it makes it appear as if you’re trying to garner the sympathy vote. </li>
<li>Even the above wouldn’t have been nearly so bad if you had demonstrated ambition or a resolution to rise above your circumstances. Instead, for the most part, you chose to document your complacency with your family’s lifestyle. You offer the admissions officers a day-in-the-life-of that can resemble that of almost any other applicant with similar disadvantages. </li>
<li>You focus far too much on personifying your mother and grandmother and almost de-emphasize yourself in the process. I understand that you were trying to convey that you are a byproduct of what your mother and grandmother taught you. But, what you’re not realizing here is that this is also something that applies to most kids. You’re not differentiating yourself at all.</li>
<li>One of the things you did do well was demonstrate maturity in coping with your situation, but even this attitude seems diluted because of your tone. You’re almost saying: “I’m good, but my mother and grandmother are better.” Well colleges aren’t after your relatives. They want to know why they should accept you.</li>
</ul>

mpicz · April 22, 2009, 10:48pm

Im not an expert or anything, but I consider myself a very good essay writer. Your essays where well written, but to put it simply, I didn’t feel the passion. I also don’t feel like you developed a voice throughout the essays.

But it’s all over now and you’re going to a good college so w.e.

Posting my essays for all to see

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