No, not really. Anyways here is my revised essay. I plan to send this off this Saturday to my colleges. If you have comments, please blast away ASAP… If you notice any atrocious convention errors, let me know; my main aim in this post is a critique in conventions, not style or voice.
<p>channel and watch --don’t you mean, then watch?</p>
<p>some words I would leave out, such as fatso, my friends, and 'blows my mind". Your quote from sister, and twice mentioning the thrown Fruit Loops, can be editted. Could be more effective to mention your sister, with more typical interests in TV shows like Powder Puff girls, looked askance at cooking or nature shows. also, “unique interests”</p>
<p>just trying to be helpful; I’ve come to realize how hard these essays can be</p>
<p>This is sounding much better. I think you have conveyed the origins of your interest in science in an original way. There are several awkward constructions. I suggest:
My parents were concerned about my unorthodox interests.
I remember being enraged.
I recall running around my back yard when I was eight, chasing and collecting bugs for my insect morgue.
My home used to have bolt action locks;
Jahosophat, why are you so weird?</p>
<p>First paragraph, I would drop the last sentence and replace it with a question like, “Why, indeed?” I would start the second paragraph by saying that I had moved on from bugs, deadbolt locks, and crabs to a new fascination: the potato.
Eliminate the first sentence about the fruit loops.</p>
<p>I would drop the first two sentences of the third paragraph and start directly with, “The potato has made me aware of my strong interest in science …” You don’t need those first sentences which address the prompt, I assume.
I am willing to learn and listen, which has helped build my creativity and imagination; I notice what is invisible to many.</p>
Woot woot, jesus hit a grand slam…!!</p>