Potatoes, for a stronger america (help)

College Admissions
#1

<p>No, not really. Anyways here is my revised essay. I plan to send this off this Saturday to my colleges. If you have comments, please blast away ASAP.. If you notice any atrocious convention errors, let me know; my main aim in this post is a critique in conventions, not style or voice.</p>

<p>The title of this essay is: Spud Muffins</p>

<p>
[quote]
Since I was a youngster, I have always been interested in topics that kids and even adults would find inexorably boring, absurd and yucky. My parents were at one time concerned at my unorthodox interest. I remember myself enraged when my dad decided to turn the channel when I was glued to the TV watching a documentary on OPB about crabs. I recall myself when I was 8 running around my backyard chasing and collecting bugs for my insect morgues. This fascination has even got me in trouble. My home use to have bolt action locks; they have been now been banished by my parents. When I was a kid, I would always play with these locks. Everyone in the house would hear this
“Click..Click…..Click..Click” everyday for about 30 min. My younger sister would commonly come up to me asking in her baby voice (we were 4 at the time) “Um, Jahosaphat why are you so weird?” Like bugs, crabs and bolt action locks, the “putata” (potato) as I use to say, has blown my mind away! </p>

<p>I am amazed at the various functions a potato can perform. It is arguably one of thee most versatile food product out there! Unlike other foodstuffs, the potato comes in various names such as tubers, spuds and taters. Whenever potato comes into someone’s mind, they immediately think “Uh…. Food.” My friends, “the spud” is much more! It has been idolized in toys from the fairly simple “potato cow” to the highly intricate and adaptable “Mr. Potato Head”. It can be used as an economical, effective and highly organic projectile in spud guns and potato cannons. This food product has also been filmed in animated feature films such as Toy Story and is even the most cost efficient organic battery! The potato has also influenced our culture in some ways as well. The potato has given birth to the highly controversial French fry (Or freedom fry, whatever makes people happy) and the potato chip.</p>

<p>The potato did not inspire me to pursue my goals, spark my perceptiveness or inspire me in anyway. I did not find any spiritual meaning, enlightenment or form a deep bond with the potato. What it did though is make me aware of my unique interest in sciences and in history. It all started when I was about to cook some clam chowder when on the TV I saw a documentary on the history about food, mostly concerning spuds. It covered its significance in Ireland, development in American culture and eats. While watching this intriguing documentary, my sister came in looking at my face shaking her head saying something around the lines of, “You weirdo! You are watching a documentary about food you fatso?” She left the room in disbelief throwing a bag of fruit loops. She proceeded to throw (softly) a bag of Fruit Loops at my head laughing hysterically as she left the room. That comment made me think, “Mr. Brain, you and I have been palls for a long time. We are about the same age and been talking to each other for a long time. Don’t you find it odd that we both find a documentary mostly concerning a brown vegetable interesting? You and I both know that most people would rather turn the channel and watch people eat goat parts.” Before that, I never gave much thought about my unique sense of interest and its contribution to my personality.</p>

<p>Most people see some trivial object and immediately think the superficial. When people see a potato, they see a brown vegetable. I see a potential toy, an energy source, a crop with the most yield per acre and potato salad. When people see a factory, they see an unsightly building that smells. I see investments, capital generation, capital goods, innovation and complexity. I have wanted to know how things work and explore ideas. I have been known as being observant and constantly asking questions. I am always willing to learn and listen which has helped build my creativeness, my ability imagine and notice what is invisible to many. All of these are key characteristics of my personality. </p>

<p>"I’m Jahosaphat and I approve this message because under our leaders in the scientific establishment, potatoes have become an under-represented vegetable; we can do better. Potatoes..... for a stronger America."

[/quote]
</p>

#2

<p>channel and watch --don't you mean, then watch?</p>

<p>some words I would leave out, such as fatso, my friends, and 'blows my mind". Your quote from sister, and twice mentioning the thrown Fruit Loops, can be editted. Could be more effective to mention your sister, with more typical interests in TV shows like Powder Puff girls, looked askance at cooking or nature shows. also, "unique interests"</p>

<p>just trying to be helpful; I've come to realize how hard these essays can be</p>

#3

<p>This is sounding much better. I think you have conveyed the origins of your interest in science in an original way. There are several awkward constructions. I suggest:
My parents were concerned about my unorthodox interests.
I remember being enraged.
I recall running around my back yard when I was eight, chasing and collecting bugs for my insect morgue.
My home used to have bolt action locks;
Jahosophat, why are you so weird?</p>

<p>First paragraph, I would drop the last sentence and replace it with a question like, "Why, indeed?" I would start the second paragraph by saying that I had moved on from bugs, deadbolt locks, and crabs to a new fascination: the potato.
Eliminate the first sentence about the fruit loops.</p>

<p>I would drop the first two sentences of the third paragraph and start directly with, "The potato has made me aware of my strong interest in science ..." You don't need those first sentences which address the prompt, I assume.
I am willing to learn and listen, which has helped build my creativity and imagination; I notice what is invisible to many.</p>

#4

<p>Thank you for your suggestions..</p>

<p>P.S. Anyone watch the boston vrs yankies game last night? It distracted me a lot :) Woot woot, jesus hit a grand slam..!!</p>

#5

<p>Need more potato. bump</p>

#6

<p>In the end of the 3rd paragraph, you use the word "You" , which should not be used in essays, I suggest changing "You and Me " to "We".</p>

<p>However, the essay has significantly improved.</p>

#7

<p>I really like it, just watch to make sure you are going into 2nd person</p>