<p>I guess all you were right - a ploy to get people to subscribe to their service. I don't want to boast, but I thought my essay was pretty damn good:</p>
<p>Living in a middle class family I have the luxury of having many personal belongings. Often times I envelope myself in such items, believing that they somehow define me. Yet as I look at my fortunate situation in its entirtey I realize that in truth a person's possessions and education does not truly define a person.</p>
<pre><code> In today's society it is hard not to believe that our belongings and education define who we really are. We are bombarded with tabloid television shows that tout the mega-mensions up for sale in exclusive neighborhoods. Whenever we hear of a speech to be given from someone who attended an Ivy League college we all get excited to hear the words of a true erudite scholar. Though the average citizen becomes infatuated at such displays, do these displays really make a person better than the poor man who due to unfortunate circumstances is forced to live in an almshouse? Often, more than not, those people are the ones with true character and a strong will.
Take F. Scott Fitzgerald's classic novel The Great Gatsby for instance. Here we have a story of a very wealthy man trying to woo his long love by showing off all his possessions. Mr. Gatsby hires workers to make his property dazzling with vibrant foliage and bands to make his parties lively, doing so to impress his guests with his sophisticated style and manner. Yet all of Mr. Gatsby's chores are done in vain, as his life ends in tragedy; Mr. Gatsby never woos his love, he is shot by a peer, and almost no one attends his funeral. This story is a prime example of how one with excessive indulgences can still be truly unhappy.
Often times many people believe that a person who attended a prestigious university is somehow better than one who attended a lesser known one. Unfortunately, I have even had such thoughts before. However, two people who break the mold of that definition that I look up to greatly are my parents. My mother attended a local community college and my father did not attend college, yet that fact alone does not take away from my awe in them. They've proven to me that they are two people of great character, striving to overcome financial problems and personal problems, regardless the fact that they did not attend a high caliber university.
In our nation of prosperity many people often find it hard to believe that people without great possessions or a great education have anything to offer. However, I challenge that position, instead believing that people who are not as fortunate as others to have luxuries often have something those people with luxuries do not have - character.
<p>But I received a score of 8 with the following comments:</p>
Providing more detail for your examples will make your argument more compelling.
Your examples are appropriate for the topic. </p>
It is important to convey to the reader whether you agree or disagree with the prompt, and I am very glad that you stated that clearly. However, besides simply stating your position, dont forget that the Assignment asks you to support it with reasons and examples. Avoid making generalizations or arguments without reinforcing them with facts and analysis. Just by saying that something is true doesnt make it true. Specific examples are almost always better than general blanket statements. Keep in mind that if you can incorporate current events, history, or literature into your examples, then you have not only strengthened your argument, but also you have impressed the reader with your vast range of seemingly infinite outside knowledge. </p>
<p>Umm, they said my examples were "appropriate" but I need more detail? What do want me to do, summarize the whole damn book of "The Great Gatsby"?! I guess I could go into some more detail with my anecdotal paragraph, but still, this is probably more than I could actually write (this was a type demo) and I got an 8. Sorry if I sound boastful but screw that - this essay is definitely better than an 8; I'd say 10 at least.</p>