Practice essay

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1

<p>Hey guys, can you grade my essay on a scale of 1-6 and give me some feedback so I can improve it later on?</p>

<p>Is it always best to determine one’s own views of right and wrong, or can we benefit from following the crowd?</p>

<pre><code> Neither words, nor pictures, no matter how vivid, can illustrate the importance of sticking with your own beliefs. There is no doubt that following a tradition is a precious virtue. Nevertheless, innovative achievements are created off one’s own unique perspective. The achievements of Leoh Pei Ming and Joseph Turner could lend potent support to my argument.

National hero Joseph Turner, also known as the painter of light, was the most successful British landscape painter in the 19th century who created a unique Romantic style that had a compelling impact on the impressionists. Turner opposed the superficial tradition of Britain’s historical paintings and decided to create a more sophisticated and luminous style of artwork. Although ridiculed and neglected, Turner did not yield to any criticism and his artwork was soon accepted. It was his unwillingness to conform that led Joseph Turner to create an innovative masterpiece for the human being.

The prominent idea of being unorthodox is more convincing than ever in the achievements of Leoh Pei Ming, the master of modern architecture, who created the marvelous pyramid entrance at the Louvre museum. Leoh Pei Ming proposed his unique pyramid entrance that was described as a mixture of traditional and modern French architecture to the Parisians, but was quickly neglected in 1980. Despite being challenged by 90% of the Parisians, including the Louvre director, Leoh held a 4 day exhibition of a full size model of the pyramid and left everyone in awe. Had Leoh Pei Ming abdicated to early disapproval from the public, would we his creative idea ever been acknowledged?

To conclude, following one’s own viewpoint has shown time and time again to be more rewarding. If we are to achieve greater as human beings, being aberrant is an eminent understanding. Joseph Turner’s romantic style and Leoh Pei Ming’s innovative design are a blessing to society and should always remind us to believe in our own abilities
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2

<p>First some thoughts:</p>

<p>Given the short amount of time graders will spend on each individual essay, you need to be extremely clear and concise. When I read your introduction, I thought was confused on what stance your essay was going to argue because you attempted a concession. While that’s great in an AP DCQ or a similar essay, it’s completely unnecessary in an SAT essay and you’d be much better off simply stating your position. I also did not see the purpose the “neither words, nor poictures…” served. I was taught a very straightforward structure for introductions: 1. clear thesis 2. clarify the thesis based on the argument you are going to make 3. introduce example one briefly 4. introduce example two briefly, adding another if you have three examples. I thought your “innovative achievements…perspective” sentence did a great job for #2 above, but the other segments were less apparent.</p>

<p>Your examples are solid, but could be more varied. A history example coupled with a literary example is what some suggest, but even examples involving different asepcts of history would be good. Your two points are both arts-related, and while they’re well-developed, they’d be stronger if you analyzed a different field. </p>

<p>As I mentioned earlier, clarity is everything in an SAT essay and you want to make sure your logic and reasoning is as clear as possible. You do well in your first body paragraph, but could have more summary. Something step-by-step detailing every step of your logic at the end of your paragraph would make the paragraph more sound (doesn’t have to be extensive, bare-bones and simple is fine: “so and so strayed from the crowd/established his own right and wrong; because this allowed him to do this, his decision of individuality benefitted society overall”). The same thing applies for the second body paragraph; instead of a rhetorical question just state your conclusion. Also, watch out for grammar errors (extra ‘we’ in there?), those can hurt. </p>

<p>You want to put more into your conclusion. You want your conclusion to be at least as long as your body paragraphs, if possible even longer. You could provide the best examples possible, but if you cannot draw sufficient conclusions from them your essay does not match its potential. Make sure you go back through your reasoning again thoroughly. You want to reword your thesis and state it again, as well as the clarification in your intro. In this case, state again why the innovative achievements were only possible because of individuality. Be sure to mention your prongs (which you did) and go back through your reasoning there too if applicable (something simple like, ‘straying from the popular belief allowed Turner to revolutionize art’). You can choose to end with a restatement of your thesis too to leave the reader with a sound idea of what your argument is, and try to end on a positive note (I have heard it helps; as silly as it sounds, something like “individuality is the essence of the human spirit…”).</p>

<p>On a separate note, though vocabulary is important, don’t force it. “If we are to achieve greater as human beings, being aberrant is an eminent understanding” sounds forced. Consider interspersing higher-level vocabulary. Also, work on phrasing. The first sentences of both your body paragraphs are rather convoluted - try semicolons and colons, a semicolon/colon would work great between ‘the 19th century’ and ‘who created’, though it’d require further editing. And make sure you practice writing essays out and not typing them (dunno if you typed or wrote this, apologies if you already are writing), it’s a lot differnet. </p>

<p>Overall, I’d give this a 5. Good examples, but could use work in other aspects. Hope this helps!</p>

3

<p>Thank you for your thorough feedback! After re-reading it, I can see how my introduction can be a bit confusing. Thanks for the advice, now I have a better understanding of what I should work on. And yes, I did type this essay and I realized that I had significantly more time and a lot of that was used on improving vocabulary, which turned out to backfire in a way… Thanks again!</p>

4

<p>This is a five, nicely done but a bit too fact-heavy to be a six.</p>

5

<p>Alright, thx for the feedback as always, Jeremy.</p>