<p>This one thanks to Aussie relatives.</p>
<p>Heaven’s Answering Machine.:</p>
<p>Thank you for calling Heaven.
For English–Press 1; for Spanish–Press 2; for all other languages–Ppress 3.</p>
<p>Please select one of the following options:</p>
<p>Press 1 for requests; Press 2 for thanksgiving;
Press 3 for complaints; Press 4 for all others.</p>
<p>If you would like to speak to:
God the Father–Press 1; God the Son–Press 2; God the Holy Spirit–Press 3.</p>
<p>To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his Social Security number followed by the pound sign. If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.</p>
<p>For reservations to Heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers 3:16.</p>
<p>For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, or life on other planets, please wait until you arrive in Heaven for specifics.</p>
<p>Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today; please hang up and call again tomorrow. The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.</p>
<p>Thank you and have a heavenly day.</p>